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Wednesday, January 11, 2012

I can see Paradise by the dashboard light

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WentSwimmingWhereSomeBoysWere, January 11, 2012.  (“2012”?  Really?  How did THAT happen?)    Happy birthday to OurMizCynthia, who turns twenty-four today, and whose natal anniversary is responsible for today’s Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus M Night Shamalamadingdong.  Not that We require an excuse to share a pixture of Mister Depp, especially on Hump Day.  Speaking of which, Happy Hump Day to the rest of you.  Could somebody get on (heh) getting Us a hump sometime before the world ends in December?  KThxBye.  Alternatively, could people just return Our phone calls?

Meanwhile, if you thought We had nothing yesterday (and, judging by the deafening non-response, you did), then the less-than-nothing We have today should elicit the overwhelming sound of one hand clapping erasers. (Get it?  “Less than nothing”…”erasers”…?  Oh, go fuck yerself.)

(Micro$oft Weird™ is using a blue squiggly line to inform Us that the “go” in “go fuck yerself” may be an incorrect word choice on Our part (yeah, right), but when We click on it, it has no suggestions as to what alternative We might wish to substitute.  (“Come fuck yerself”?  “Swim fuck yerself”?  “Fuck fuck yerself”? “Extrapolate fuck yerself”? (Before you ask, Micro$oft Weird™ is also using a red squiggly line to inform Us that “yerself” is misspelt.  (As is “misspelt”.) However, changing it to “yourself” does not eliminate the blue squiggly line, or the lack of suggestions resulting therefrom. (It will further interest you to know that Micro$oft Weird™ is using a GREEN squiggly line in the sentences “Swim fuck yerself” and “Fuck fuck yerself” to indicate that the correct form of “fuck” in those sentences is actually “fucks”.  (We are somewhat flummoxed by the fact that it is giving no indication of the doubled word in the sentence “Fuck fuck yerself”, but We have chosen to attribute that to the capital letter. Testing testing? Nope…that’s not the reason.)))))

To reiterate, go fuck yerself, and the whore you rode in on. (Since when is “therefrom” not a word?)

In much the same way that some people will see the glass as half empty, while others see it as half full, and the smart people will say, “get a different glass”, some people will see the proceeding as being all about profanity, while others will see it as being all about cunning linguistics, while the smart people will say, “why doesn’t Starzina have a job teaching high school English?”

Here We are on a job interview for the head (heh) English teacher position at Greater Philadelphia’s Charles Nelson Reilly High School:

 Share it with all your friends:

Meanwhile, if Charlene Tilton’s people don’t soon send Us a check…Charlene, you DO have people, don’t you?  Alternatively, The HorrorScope:

Your sweet side is out in the open for all to see (Lovely.  Dip Us in chocolate and throw Us to the lesbians.)

 — so show off!  (As though We need permission. (Although if anyone’s on their way to the market, We are all out of persimmons.))

(You know how there’s that whole list of diagnostic signs that someone is having a stroke?  It occurs to Us that, if We were (subjunctively) to have  a stroke while We were typing this horoscope, and We kept on typing, no one would know the difference.  Food for thought, no?)

If you’ve got a sweetie, (Would a sweetie and a sweetie pie be the same thing?  Because, all things being equal, One would imagine that the one with pie would be better.)

make sure to sweep them off their feet, (Alternatively, fweep them off their seat.  Because ANYBODY can sweep.)

but if not, you’re sure to catch someone’s eye today.  (Insert hooker-with-a-glass-eye joke here.)

When you first learned to ride a bike, there came a moment when your mom or dad had to let go of the bike and let you go forward on your own. (Why that had to happen on the expressway, We’ll never know.)

It was a moment of fear, exhilaration and independence.  (And explains Our lifelong dependence on Depends™.)

Today, life will give you that same feeling (Poop!)

when you finally let go of something (Poop!)

you’ve been watching over carefully. (Okay, two out of three ain’t bad.  (Kiss Us quick, We’re Meat Loaf. (It occurred to Our inquiring mind to wonder whether Meat Loaf’s name is one word or two.  Which sent Us a-Googling on Wikipedia to discover that Mister Loaf’s name is indeed two words.  You’re welcome.)))

This could be a person, a relationship or a project. (Which, in Our new position (heh) as high school English teacher, We should point out is very similar to the definition of a noun. Or the quarterback of the football team.)

(Seriously, though…you can picture Starzina teaching high school English, yes?)

You have to realize that things are fine on their own, and you should step out of the picture.  (Sweetie (pie) Darling, We ARE the picture.)

An urgent issue needs your attention today. (An Argentinean in Uruguay walks into a bar…)

(We have no idea where that came from.  Although wait till you see Our grammar test made up entirely of knock-knock jokes.)

Don’t put it off until tomorrow. (That’s right; procrastinate RIGHT NOW, while you still can.)

The sooner you tackle the problem, the quicker you can go out and have some real fun. (What were We saying about the quarterback of the football team?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.