Google+ Followers

Friday, September 14, 2012

I said NO, NO, NO

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 14, 2012.   It is Amy Winehouse’s birthday.  They tried to make her go to rehab, but she said, “Fuck you; I’m dead.”

So, recent events having proven to US that We are completely alone in here, We’re gonna talk about whatever We want, and not worry about entertaining anybody’s asses.  To wit, New And Improved(?) Glee. We are not entirely sure We are on board.  For one thing, the “spin-off” of Rachel in New York?  Has already been done.  It was called That Girl, and it starred Marlo Thomas.  Of course, in this version, she has a gay boyfriend, but…oh, wait.  Never mind.

Also, where was everybody?  Finn, Mercedes, Quinn, Santana, Puck, Emma, Mike, etc., etc.?  All the absences made it really difficult to remember who had graduated and who hadn’t.

That said, all of those people are still on contract, AND they’ve added about twenty new characters?  (And that was just the lunch lady.  (Ba-DUMP-bump.))  There are too many people on this show.  It is time for a tornado to blow through Lima, Ohio and thin the herd.  Seriously.  While We applaud Ryan Murphy for not letting these characters stay in high school until they’re collecting their pensions, it’s time to let go.  See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya….don’t let the screen door hit ya where the good lord split ya…buh-BYE!

In still other news, it’s a good thing Christian Guy looks so much like Christ, or We would forget he was Christian Guy, not having heard him speak in so long.  Also, if We were Mercedes, We’d be very upset to be being replaced by a drag queen.  Also also, bringing on Puck’s younger brother so We will assume he is “just like Puck”, and thereby forgive you the absence of character development is lazy, lazy writing.

Naturally, We shall tune in next week anyway.

Meanwhile, We Our Own Self Personally are now following yet another Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopular) bloggist, which see: How can you fail to believe in someone who tells you Uranus isn’t good for making babies?

Editing to add this, which just went live:

In other other news, tickets are almost gone for The Match Game  tonight and tomorrow, so grab ‘em quick if you’re planning to come:

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need a new adventure — and one is coming your way at top speed!   (No doubt The Poseidon Adventure.  With Shelley Winters as The Lunch Lady.)

Hop on board and take the reins as you find a way to have fun without spoiling any other plans you had made.  (So what you seem to be saying, with your limited linguistic skills, is that We had originally made plans to have no fun…is that right, AssHat?)

The amount of work you put into something is directly proportional to the quality of said work, (ExACTly.  The less work We have to do, the better.  See?  Proportional.)

so try not to cut any corners today. (Of course not.  Where’s the fun in that?)

Give yourself all the time you need, (Time being, naturally, infinite.  Also, controllable by mere mortals.  Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)

(This just in:  Mittens R-money wants Us all to know that “middle income” is $200,000 to $250,000 a year.  So even when We were working, We were impoverished.  Good to know, asshole.)

so you won’t rush and miss some very urgent details. (Not to mention unguent details. And ungulate details.  Don’t miss those, either.)

Be thorough with everything you do — spell check every email before sending it off, (Also, climb ev’ry mountain.  And ford ev’ry stream.)

and make sure you have returned all important phone calls by the middle of the day. (Well, yes.  It’s very important that you give everyone their phone calls back.  By the end of the day, everyone should have exactly the phone calls they started out with.)

Leaving too many questions unanswered will cause someone’s imagination to spin in some weird directions.  (Why?)

(She didn’t answer Our question.)

Those around you may be moving slow, (Hi, Uncle Joe!)

(If you got that?  You are very, very old.  Go directly back to bed.  Do not pass gas, do not collect  200,000 dollars.)

(See how We tied that all together?  THAT’S comedy.)

(Is there an echo in here?)

but according to the stars, (Get ready to match the stars!)

you’re raring to go. (What does that even mean?)

You’ll love a challenge now, and if you make an effort to make connections, they can really go places.  (Who are these “they” of whom you speak?  Why can’t WE go places?)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.