Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Tuesday, September 25, 2012.
Three days coming, three days with you, three days going. We are very confused. Sunday was definitely a “coming” day, and today it is definitely “with Us”. We are unclear as to what yesterday was, although it’s pretty clear that this shit ain’t gonna start going away until at least tomorrow.
And We had so many plans for things We needed to get done after the show closed. Sitting around watching snot fall out of Our nose was, oddly, not on the list. What a waste of a week.
Our apologies to Heather Locklear, but We are fairly sure you wouldn’t want Us to show up to your birthday festivities in Our current condition.
Meanwhile, from the No ‘Tard Left Behind Department, Presidential Candidate and Inappropriate Spray Tanner Mitt Rmoney doesn’t know why you can’t open the windows on an airplane. Is it just Us, or is this assclown starting to make Dumbya look smart?
Because We clearly have nothing, here are some tweets from Twatter:
Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong unless it's the rearview mirror and you're driving a school bus.
I wish babies would stop saying "hi" to me while in the checkout line. I don't fucking know you. Don't talk to me.
Your neck tattoo says "Only God can judge me", yet here I am.
Remember, if you're attractive, it's called persistence. If you're ugly, it's called being a stalker.
It would be nice if people with lazy eyes would put a Post-It on the one they want me to look at when we're talking.
The best way to prepare Brussels sprouts is to throw them in the trash while ordering a delicious pizza.
You don't have to break my heart to make me cry. Just put me in Home Depot and tell me to find an air filter.
Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above). All of your insights have been so helpful so far, much like Helen Keller in an air traffic control tower.
It is difficult to believe that it was only three short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html
Here’s the HorrorScope:
Your leadership is rarely in question, and today shows why that’s the case. (Because We’re all alone in OurHouseWhereWeLive?)
You take the reins at work or at home in a way that shows everyone concerned what’s what. (Wait…We’re on a horse? Are We Isaiah Mustafa?)
Don’t look back! (Or down. Or in the basement.)
The future belongs to people who think for themselves, (That’s what YOU think.)
so where does that leave you? (In bed, hopefully.)
Being a part of the crowd is important, (Ve vant to be alone.)
and you certainly don’t want to create tension among your people. (If We have so many damn people, why can’t one of ‘em be sick for Us?)
But when you start agreeing to things that you don’t actually believe in, that’s too far over the line. (One toke over the line, Sweet Jeebus…)
Today, you have to hold on to your convictions and keep your individuality. (That sounds like a lot of work. Can We do it tomorrow? Or, preferably, next week?)
If other people react poorly to your opinions or disagreement, then that’s their problem to solve — not yours. (Good.)
Make a few plans today. (Perhaps We shall start in on next week’s social calendar. Assuming, of course, that We live that long.)
You could bake a cheesecake (In what universe?)
or you could ask that good-looking stranger to grow old with you. (Yeah. Because that’s a pick-up line that’ll work.)
You pick! (You suck!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.