Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, September
12, 2012. Happy birthday to Robin, who
turns twenty-four today on The Left Coast.
And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who should come to tonight’s Match
Games and hump Us. If We stay
awake, that is.
It
occurs to Us that, if One is having trouble sleeping, and One finally falls
asleep, it is not particularly restful to have a dream about having trouble
sleeping. Just sayin’.
We
are playing The Match Game twice
tonight. At 7:30 and 9:30. Consciousness permitting. So get your tickets here:
http://livearts-fringe.ticketleap.com/real-housewives-of-south-philly-play-match-game/#view=calendar
or just show up
at the door at 7 or 9.
Those
of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to know that
he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at tonight’s shows.
We
have already spent the better part of Our morning filling out the following
interview, so here it is for your perusing pleasure. As opposed to Us continuing to bitch. You’re welcome:
(We
just accidentally typed “bithc”, and Micro$oft Weird™ pretended not to know
that We meant “bitch”. Fuck you,
Micro$oft Weird™.)
Vital Stats:
Hey Philly Fringe
Artists, You Alive + Kickin’?
Name: Jesus H. Christ
Age: Math is hard. Plus, I always forget if B.C. ends on my
birthday, or on Good Friday. Which,
truth be told, wasn’t all that “good” from my point of view. And then there’s all those different
calendars, Gregorian chants, Julian Lennon…let’s just say I’m well over two
thousand years old.
Where were you
born? Away in a manger.
Where do you
live now? Well, usually, I art in
Heaven. But for this show, I’m staying
in South Philly, across the street from the Duchess, at her friend Angela’s
house. It’s very nice, except there are
way too many pictures of me. There’s
one, in 3D, on black velvet, where I swear, the eyes follow you all around the
room.
Show Title: The
Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!
Explain your
performance in 2 sentences. To an 8-year-old. It’s a game show where potty-mouthed grownups play
Fill-in-the-Blank. For some reason, my
name isn’t in the title.
Do you have
children? That depends on who you read.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John aren’t the whole story, you know.
If so, do you
love them? I’m Jesus; I love everybody.
What was your
favorite toy as a kid? I had a little
dreidel; I made it out of clay.
What do you
love (or hate) most about Philadelphia audiences? I actually get a little nervous in front of crowds, so the Holy Ghost
told me I should picture them naked. And
because I’m, ya know, Jesus, I can see exactly what they look like. So there’s that.
What would you
do if you just inherited a pizzeria? I’d probably do my loaves-and-fishes trick
and turn it into a chain. Heh. I could
really screw with Domino’s and Papa John’s and all of them…just randomly show
up at people’s doors with the exact pizza they were thinking of, before they
even called anyone.
Did you go to
college or grad school? If so, where? I’m
Jesus; I know everything. Why would I
need to go to college? Although I did
join a fraternity once, but Dad’s trying to get that hushed up. Speaking of knowing everything, I should
point out that, in order for The Match
Game to be fair, I have to turn off my Everything-Knower, so I may not
always come off as one of the brightest celebrities.
Your
refrigerator: condiments and beer, or real food? Funny thing about my refrigerator…whenever I open it, whatever I want
is in there. I am Jesus, after all. Although I can never figure out if the light
stays on when you close the door. (Who
keeps condoms in the refrigerator?)
Favorite
coffee shop? Anywhere but Starbucks.
What do you order?
Mocha Frappacino Latte, Creole Lady
Marmalade. (That woulda been funnier if
this were a live interview, because then you’d’ve heard me sing it.)
Marvel Comics,
or DC? Can’t we all just get along?
What's your
favorite nickname for Philadelphia? Either
“The City That Loves You (On Your) Back” or “The City of Brotherly Love
Handles”.
What’s the
worst piece of advice you ever received? Did you follow it? Didja know The Last Supper was a
seder? My Last Supper, I don’t even get
to pick what to eat. Also, “there’s a
thing in the future called a camera”, I
said. “We’ll get a camera, we’ll take a
picture,” I said. These yutzes wanted a
painting. Do you know how long we hadda
sit there while that guy painted us?
Genius, my ass!
What’s the
most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen on SEPTA? A Romney-for-President button.
A doctor puts
a scope inside your ear. What does she see? Strawberry fields forever. (Heh.
I was singing again.)
Do you have
relatives more famous than you? Well, duh.
My Dad.
Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe," or Cookie
Monster's "Share It Maybe"? Totally
Cookie Monster. Cookies? Sharing?
What’s not to love?
Also, here is a po-em from The Duchess (no video, just audio): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06Np6XthiJU&feature=share
Here
is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic: http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/criticalmass/FRINGE-REVIEW-Real-Housewives-of-South-Philly-Play-Match-Game-.html
And here is Our Own
Personal most recent claim to fame: http://marcharshbarger.blogspot.com/2012/09/groovy-reader-of-month-eric-singel.html
Here
is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with
your morning horoscope:
Here’s
the HorrorScope:
Not
only is it Linda Gray’s birthday, but also Maria Muldaur’s? No wonder We’re exhausted.
You
need to find a way to let your feelings come out (That’s what Uranus is for.)
—
it’s essential, and you may find that your people are willing to listen if you
start out slowly. (Again with this “Our
People” illusion.)
See
if you can get them to keep quiet, too. (Okay,
see, now, if We’re gonna have to take hostages, you’re gonna have to wait till
We get some sleep.)
It
is a great day for romance, so if you’ve got a sweetie, things sure are going
to be sweet! (Oh, shaddup.)
The
two of you will have that special unspoken bond, when holding hands is all you
need to say. (Is she TRYING to make Us die of projectile vomiting?)
And
if you are currently single, guess what? (Another day when We don’t get laid?)
You’re
going to fall in love with yourself all over again today! (Whoopee.)
You’ll
see how it’s so much better to be single and able to spend your time with
someone you love (yourself) than to slog along with a partner who fills you
with feelings of worry or insecurity. (Yeah. ‘Cause
We’d hate to slog along and get laid.)
A secret rendezvous? (With Ourself?
How exactly are We gonna keep that a secret?)
If
you’re hankering for a little taste of taboo, peruse the want ads in the local
weekly or place one yourself. (So wait…now We’re gonna answer Our own ad?)
Take
advantage of this sexually adventurous streak and live out your wildest
fantasy. It won’t last. (How cheerful.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile,
why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than
necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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