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Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Midnight at the oasis, send your camel to hump

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WinzDee, September 12, 2012.  Happy birthday to Robin, who turns twenty-four today on The Left Coast.  And Happy Hump Day to the rest of you, who should come to tonight’s Match Games and hump Us.   If We stay awake, that is.

It occurs to Us that, if One is having trouble sleeping, and One finally falls asleep, it is not particularly restful to have a dream about having trouble sleeping.  Just sayin’.

We are playing The Match Game  twice tonight.  At 7:30 and 9:30.  Consciousness permitting.  So get your tickets here:  

Those of you who are fans of Our Sistah Ovella, aka Bob Mason, will want to know that he will be playing Mister Charles Nelson Reilly at tonight’s shows.

We have already spent the better part of Our morning filling out the following interview, so here it is for your perusing pleasure.  As opposed to Us continuing to bitch.  You’re welcome:

(We just accidentally typed “bithc”, and Micro$oft Weird™ pretended not to know that We meant “bitch”.  Fuck you, Micro$oft Weird™.)

Vital Stats:
Hey Philly Fringe Artists, You Alive + Kickin’?

Name: Jesus H. Christ

Age: Math is hard.  Plus, I always forget if B.C. ends on my birthday, or on Good Friday.  Which, truth be told, wasn’t all that “good” from my point of view.  And then there’s all those different calendars, Gregorian chants, Julian Lennon…let’s just say I’m well over two thousand years old.

Where were you born? Away in a manger.

Where do you live now? Well, usually, I art in Heaven.  But for this show, I’m staying in South Philly, across the street from the Duchess, at her friend Angela’s house.  It’s very nice, except there are way too many pictures of me.  There’s one, in 3D, on black velvet, where I swear, the eyes follow you all around the room.

Show Title: The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!

Explain your performance in 2 sentences. To an 8-year-old. It’s a game show where potty-mouthed grownups play Fill-in-the-Blank.  For some reason, my name isn’t in the title.

Do you have children?  That depends on who you read.  Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John aren’t the whole story, you know.

If so, do you love them? I’m Jesus; I love everybody.

What was your favorite toy as a kid? I had a little dreidel; I made it out of clay.

What do you love (or hate) most about Philadelphia audiences? I actually get a little nervous in front of crowds, so the Holy Ghost told me I should picture them naked.  And because I’m, ya know, Jesus, I can see exactly what they look like.  So there’s that.

What would you do if you just inherited a pizzeria?  I’d probably do my loaves-and-fishes trick and turn it into a chain. Heh.  I could really screw with Domino’s and Papa John’s and all of them…just randomly show up at people’s doors with the exact pizza they were thinking of, before they even called anyone.

Did you go to college or grad school? If so, where? I’m Jesus; I know everything.  Why would I need to go to college?  Although I did join a fraternity once, but Dad’s trying to get that hushed up.  Speaking of knowing everything, I should point out that, in order for The Match Game to be fair, I have to turn off my Everything-Knower, so I may not always come off as one of the brightest celebrities.

Your refrigerator: condiments and beer, or real food? Funny thing about my refrigerator…whenever I open it, whatever I want is in there.  I am Jesus, after all.  Although I can never figure out if the light stays on when you close the door.  (Who keeps condoms in the refrigerator?)

Favorite coffee shop?  Anywhere but Starbucks.

What do you order? Mocha Frappacino Latte, Creole Lady Marmalade.  (That woulda been funnier if this were a live interview, because then you’d’ve heard me sing it.)

Marvel Comics, or DC? Can’t we all just get along?

What's your favorite nickname for Philadelphia? Either “The City That Loves You (On Your) Back” or “The City of Brotherly Love Handles”.

What’s the worst piece of advice you ever received? Did you follow it? Didja know The Last Supper was a seder?  My Last Supper, I don’t even get to pick what to eat.  Also, “there’s a thing in the future called a camera”,  I said.  “We’ll get a camera, we’ll take a picture,” I said.  These yutzes wanted a painting.  Do you know how long we hadda sit there while that guy painted us?  Genius, my ass!

What’s the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen on SEPTA? A Romney-for-President button.

A doctor puts a scope inside your ear. What does she see? Strawberry fields forever.  (Heh. I was singing again.)

Do you have relatives more famous than you?  Well, duh.  My Dad.

Carly Rae Jepsen's "Call Me Maybe," or Cookie Monster's "Share It Maybe"? Totally Cookie Monster.  Cookies?  Sharing?  What’s not to love?
Also, here is a po-em from The Duchess (no video, just audio): 

Here is what the City Paper reviewer had to say about Our little epic:

And here is Our Own Personal most recent claim to fame:

Here is last year’s Virgo video, just in case you prefer a bit of naked angel with your morning horoscope:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

Not only is it Linda Gray’s birthday, but also Maria Muldaur’s?  No wonder We’re exhausted.

You need to find a way to let your feelings come out  (That’s what Uranus is for.)

— it’s essential, and you may find that your people are willing to listen if you start out slowly.  (Again with this “Our People” illusion.)

See if you can get them to keep quiet, too.  (Okay, see, now, if We’re gonna have to take hostages, you’re gonna have to wait till We get some sleep.)

It is a great day for romance, so if you’ve got a sweetie, things sure are going to be sweet!  (Oh, shaddup.)

The two of you will have that special unspoken bond, when holding hands is all you need to say. (Is she TRYING to make Us die of projectile vomiting?)

And if you are currently single, guess what? (Another day when We don’t get laid?)

You’re going to fall in love with yourself all over again today!  (Whoopee.)

You’ll see how it’s so much better to be single and able to spend your time with someone you love (yourself) than to slog along with a partner who fills you with feelings of worry or insecurity.  (Yeah.  ‘Cause We’d hate to slog along and get laid.)

 A secret rendezvous?  (With Ourself?  How exactly are We gonna keep that a secret?)

If you’re hankering for a little taste of taboo, peruse the want ads in the local weekly or place one yourself. (So wait…now We’re gonna answer Our own ad?)

Take advantage of this sexually adventurous streak and live out your wildest fantasy. It won’t last.  (How cheerful.)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.