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Friday, September 28, 2012

Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan, we’re gonna be on Ed Sullivan!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Friday, September 28, 2012.  Well, This Was The Most Worthless Week That Was is grinding to a close here at Casa de Convalescent Home For Chesty Cough.  (Chesty Cough, you will recall from yesterday’s e-pissode, is a porn star extraordinaire.  (Not, mind you, that We believe you've read yesterday’s e-pissode.  Or any of this week’s, as a matter of fact.  The paucity, scarcity, and dearth of get-well-wishes alone is evidence thereof. Sigh.))

In fact, We weren’t even going to exert Ourselves (how many of Us are there?) today, but We did just have to share the following.  Which is just one more proof that We really do know all the coolest people everywhere.  (Of course, most of them won’t return Our phone calls, but still…We know them!  The restraining orders prove that!)

So here, ladies and genitals, boyzzz and gurrrlllzzz, is the first single released by Scary Mary and the Audio Corsette, all the way from the Witch City of Salem, Massachusetts (is anyone else hearing this in Ed Sullivan’s voice?), “Set Her Free”:

Meanwhile, from The Complete And Utter Coincidence Department, We only learned after We said the preceding that today is Ed Sullivan’s birthday.  (However, We created today’s title at the very end.)
He would have been a hundred and eleven years old.  If he weren’t (subjunctively) ya know, dead.

Here is last year’s Libra video to compare with this year’s (see above).  All of your insights have been so helpful so far…We’re fairly certain We shall be able to train Chesty Cough to blow smoke rings and shoot ping pong balls through the centers of them by the time Scorpio rolls around:

It is difficult to believe that it was only a few short weeks ago that HimSelf was named Groovy Reader of the Month over at Deep Dish:

Here’s the HorrorScope:

In other birthday news, it is Moon Unit Zappa’s birthday today.  She is forty-five, and still has not apparently learned that it is possible to change one’s name.  Also, for those of you who thought there were only three Jonas Brothers (and why you would be thinking about any such thing, We haven’t got any idea), We are here to tell you that, much like Jimmy Osmond (who?), there exists a much-younger Jonas Brother named Frankie, who is celebrating his twelfth birthday today.  We include him here because of his oh-so-adorable nickname, Bonus Jonas, and his not-so-adorable-nickname-that-We-just-made-up, The Condom Broke Jonas.

You need to lend a hand today — someone really needs you, and you can get a lot more done helping others than you can on your own projects.  (Did We or did We not plug Scary Mary and the Audio Corsette earlier?  Completely unbidden, We might add.  It’s as if We’re psychic.  Also, as if We know stuff that’s going to happen before it happens.  (Yes, We already used that joke today, but it was in a text to one other person.  We believe in recycling here at Erix Daily Horoscope.))

It’s one of those days when you’re aiding, not leading.  (If We are aiding, We bet We are also abetting.  (We’re so lyrical, it’s a miracle!  (Also, We are a poet, but We are unaware of it.)))

Try not to get involved in anything that confuses you today (We may have to go back to bed then.)

— it’s only going to lead to frustration. (So much for the back to bed idea…)

This isn’t a great day for learning new tasks or starting new projects. (We’ve already folded the laundry from yesterday…howzzat?)

Your mind won’t be able to focus quickly (Sorry…did you say something?)

 on adapting to new methods or ideas.  (We had a new idea once.  Died of loneliness, it did.)

 If you feel that you’re unclear about a rule or a law, get clarity immediately!  (Also, Get Christie Love!)

Ask someone in the know what the real deal is, (And ask Richard Simmons what the real deal-a-meal is.)

(When an eel bites your heel while it’s copping a feel, that’s a moray.)

and don’t be worried about looking like you don’t know what you’re doing. (Wait…you mean all We have to do is LOOK like We know what We’re doing?)

It’s time to put up or shut up. (Grow up or throw up.  Buck up or fuck up. Pick up or hiccup.  (That there is one of those multi-purpose sentences.))

You’ve been cutting a certain person some slack for a little too long. (Why is “slacks” plural?  It’s not like you can have just one of them.)

Mercy is one thing, but being a doormat is another. (The girl with the face that says “welcome”, that men can wipe their feet on.  (Name that musical, theatre fagz.))

It’s time to establish a brand new pattern in your relationships.  (Paisley!  Houndstooth!  Tartan plaid!)


(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.