Running for the shelter of her Mother’s Little Helper

Greetings, Esthete Repeats Indiscreet Countertweet---

Here is your horoscope for Wednesday, December 01, 2010 (Ah, December!  Clearly coming in like a lanai, and out like a lambada instructor.  (Whatever happened to the lambada?  Once a dance craze, now not even recognized by Micro$oft Weird™.  Sigh.  All good things must come to Our rear end.)  Happy birthday in advance to Blair, who turns twenty-four today. (As he is, We just recently learned, a New Reader of Erix Daily Horoscope, a veritable virgin with a hypothetical hymen…(ooops, sorry; We forgot Ourself.  Once again behaving in a manner We had sworn to eschew (gesundheit (thank you)))…We will deign to explain that the rain in Spain stays mainly in de plane, Boss, de plane…and also that We turn twenty-four over and over again until We get it right.  Although, if you were (subjunctively) looking at a pixture of Blair instead of whatever Erix Daily Horoscope Pixture Du Jour Au Jus It’s Too Fu(king Early in the Morning For A Hervé Villechaize Joke is up there staring you in the face, you would know that he did twenty-four pretty d@mn fine the first time around, just sayin’.):

(Speaking of rain, whoever is in charge of the back alley abortion that is today’s weather had better see to it that this cr@p has all ceased and desisted by tomorrow, as We have Places To Go And People To See.)

(It will no doubt be a fascinating glimpse into Our domestic goddesshood for you to learn that, as We are casting these pearls of wisdom before you, Our adoring swine (hmmm…that didn’t come out quite right, did it?), We are emptying the dishwasher and doing a load of laundry.  The tinsel, the glamour, the hustle, the bustle, the electricity in the air that is Our life!  Perhaps later, We shall put on a shirtwaist dress and pearls and run the vacuum.  (How odd that pearls appeared twice in this paragraph.  Pearl Bailey, Pearl S. Buck, Purlie Victorious Judson.))

(Anybody else still fixated on Blair’s hypothetical hymen?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

If you don't have a press secretary, photographer and personal assistant, you should probably ask around for a few numbers. (While We could certainly avail Ourselves of the first and the third, We’re pretty sure nobody needs to see a pixture of Us at this precise moment.)

Managing your social schedule at the moment isn't something you'll want to do alone.  (Little Rhoda and her social engagements…kiss Us quick, We’re Eileen Heckart.)

Of course, you might also enlist the aid of that delightful new friend of a friend.  (Wait…Our friends have other friends?!?  Who allowed THAT to happen?)

(Just in case the suspense was killing you, We have now moved the laundry to the dryer.  And the top rack of the dishwasher is empty.  How We don’t drop dead from the excitement, We’ll never know.)

Cancel your appointments and tell your friends not to worry. (Mmm-hmm.  ‘Cause We were knee-deep in all the concern.)

No one will see you for a while (Well, of course not.  What with Our @ssz eclipsing the sun and all.)

-- no one except that one particular person you've been craving, that is.  “Craving”?  Really?  This doesn’t bode well…are We gonna fu(k ‘em, or eat ‘em?)

 Remember when you had your wisdom teeth out and the dentist gave you those wonderful pills to help with the pain? (No.  Because We never had Our wisdom teeth out.   Hence all of this WISDOM.  You’re welcome, you lucky, lucky people.)

(The dishwasher is now empty.  Heigh-ho, the glamorous life!)

You'll feel even better than that.  (Than what?  A middle-aged hag with an empty dishwasher?  Gee, thanks.  At this rate, We’ll be working Our way UP to fishwife.)

 An authority figure (Skater),

 elder (Berry),

or trusted professional (Carpet cleaner)

(See, OUR way makes it more specific.  YOUR way was extremely vague.  Now, We’re betting on the authority figure skater.  Who would Brian Boitano do?)

will be only too happy to help you make the right impression. (…ist painting.)

All you have to do is smile. (Isn’t that a song from some musical? (Or, possibly, every musical written between 1936 and 1954?))

(Well, the laundry isn’t going to fold itself.  And if We’re going to vacuum in a shirtwaist dress, We’re gonna need to squeeze into Our Playtex Living Girdle™.  So catch ya on the flip side.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )