I have flown to Moscow; it’s very gay. Well, anyway on the first of May.

(You will note that We have departed (dearly) from Our Christmas-themed series of Erix Daily Horoscope Pixtures Du Jour Au Jus Beaujolais Negligee Bain De Soleil Fifi D’Orsay, but come on, people!  We are only human, and he has CANDY!)

Greetings, Evergreens Revitalize Inspirationless Crèche---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 17, 2010 (So meanwhile, while the rest of Us are contemplating the young gentleman’s candy, and the likelihood of its semblance to an  All-Day Sucker, Our str8 boi readers are all, “Who the fu(k is Fifi D’Orsay?”  Little do they know that just mentally absorbing the phrase “Fifi D’Orsay” will turn you gay for the rest of the day. Olé, hooray, Nanette Fabray.):

(So, as promised, yesterday, We trudged out into The Weather, where We had Our fangs waxed, obtained a losing lottery ticket, and purchased ink for Our printer.  We really might as well have bought a whole new printer, considering what We paid for said ink.  In fact, We may just solve all of Our fiscal difficulties by opening a d@mn ink store.  Jeebus!)

(Is there really such a dearth of ultrasound technicians that We must receive three pieces of junk mail a day exhorting Us to become one?  Have We missed the people roaming the streets, shouting, “My kingdom for an ultrasound technician!”?  Seriously.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

 You can charm people more easily than you can fast-talk or bully them today, (Yes, but what if We fast-talk them AND bully them?)

so kick back, (Don’t wait to kick back…kick ‘em first, and take ‘em by surprise.  They’re all the same size once you kick ‘em in the nutz.)

bat those eyelashes (Bat THEIR eyelashes.  With a baseball bat.)

and watch them scurry (Like the scurvy dogs they are.)

to make you happy. (Fu(king ecstatic, We are.)

Life can be easy!  (So can We.  Although there’s precious little evidence of that.)

You’re about to begin mingling with all kinds of interesting and unusual people, (Get ‘em all in the hot tub, then hit the button that says “puree”.  WE’LL show ya “mingling”.)

and you’ll love every minute of it. (Mmm-hmm.  Don’t hold your breath.)

There’s at least one new acquaintance en route who’ll be around for a while, too, thanks to an astrological setup that will keep that parade of people you’d otherwise never have met going strong. (Is it just Us, or does that sound more like a threat than a promise?)

Whether they turn out to be friends or partners is up for grabs, but who cares? (Most likely, they’ll wind up being friends’ partners.  Sigh.)

Think of this as a social buffet. (Wait…did you say they were en route or en croute?)

 Treat yourself to just a little taste of everything.  (Now you’re just being smutty.   We like that in a person.)

You’re in planning mode (Actually, you’ve misread.  We’re in Carol Channing mode.  Also, We’ve got Bette Davis eyes.  (Perhaps We’re actually in MARGO Channing  mode. Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a nightie bump.))

— so it’s a great time to plan a raging party! (Hmmm….)

Go nuts, (Not that We’ve got far to go…)

 as themes, music, costumes (Egad.)

and more are all game. (Can We play Hump The Hostess?  (AAAAAaaaand We’ve switched to Liz Taylor.))

Make sure it’s so irresistible people come from miles around.  (Who’s gonna clean that up?)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )