Here’s to the ladies who lunch while Proud Mary keeps on burnin’

Greetings,  E! Retrospective: Insufferable Comedians---

Here is your horoscope for Friday, December 10, 2010 (Gracious Good Morning, Erix Daily Horoscope readers!  We are coming to you live, after one of those nights in which We slept in twenty-minute increments, each said increment including a bizarre dream all its own, none of which were connected, although various items and themes recurred.  We shall not attempt to recount them all to you, but We do feel compelled to mention the one in which Ms. Tina Turner was performing Ms. Elaine Stritch’s one-woman show.  If this should ever happen in real life, (A.) We want tickets, and (2.) We want a percentage of the box.)

(You did all realize that, by “box”, We meant “box office”, and were not referring in any way shape or form to the individual personal boxes of Ms Turner and Ms. Stritch, who, as Grown Women Of A Certain Age, are entitled to maintain (or not maintain, as they see fit) control over and privacy of their own personal individual boxes.)

(Did We mention We were sleep deprived?)

(Meanwhile, all of Our str8 boi readers are all like, “Who the fu(k is Elaine Stritch?”  All Our g@y boi readers are all, “Does anyone (pause-pause-pause) still wear (pause-pause-pause) a hat?” and “Who let these cute str8 bois in here?”)

(In other news, Micro$oft Weird™ is positively SHRIEKING at Us that the paragraph that begins, “You did all realize that, by “box”…” is, in reality An Extremely Long Sentence That We Should Consider Revising.  You leave Our pussy clause ALONE, Micro$oft Weird™!  (Today’s Horoscope brought to you by Lady Clairol: mix a double batch and get a snatch to match.))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Your future is much on your mind right now, (Wait…there’s a future?)

and with good reason (Wait…there’s a reason??)

— you can see that things are getting better, (What things?)

but your new ideas (We haven’t had an idea in YEARS.)

are starting to push you in a new, even more positive direction!  (Pushy wanker.)

Consistency is an important part of your life right now, (Our life currently has the consistency of baby poo in a Cuisinart™.)

(That was a little word pixture that We painted just for you. You’re welcome.)

and it has enabled you to decrease your stress level quite a bit. (THE HELL YOU SAY!!!)

Today the placid surface of your life gets stirred up a bit, but this is something you’ve been waiting for — and looking forward to. (We don’t’ so much wear placid.  We prefer a nice slimming stripe.)

It’s not an upheaval; (But is it an upchuckal?)

 it’s an invigoration. (You just keep your nasty hands AWAY from Our vigors, ThankYouVeryMuch.)

This change is a darn good one, (So good, in fact, that you’ve used the intensifier “darn”.  Which is something 1950s housewives did to socks. We Our Own Self Personally much prefer an intensifier that refers to something 1980s teenaged boys did to socks.  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.  Sluts.)

full of lots of positive opportunities and some possible financial benefits as well.  (We are all in favor of financial benefits.  In fact, We continue to bend over for pennies in the streets.  Why We don’t have a boyfriend, We’ll never know.)

Never before has an earthquake yielded such a beautiful landscape!  (Oh, goody.  Our life is having an earthquake.  We can hardly wait.)

You’ve got momentum, (Also Mylanta™ and Metamucil™.)

and some great energy is coming your way, too. (Not to mention a wicked p00p.)

(P00P!)

 If someone special is on your mind, (Buckminster Fuller?)

let them know. (Um, he’s kind of, you know, dead.)

If you’re feeling at loose ends, look for new possibilities, online and in real life. (We’re gonna let all y’all figger out just what exactly “possibilities” is a euphemism for.)

 (Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )