Grease is the word

Greetings, Exclaiming, “Rooster!” Intimidates Cock---

(Cock-A-Doodle-Doo!  (Any Cock’ll Do!))

(Erix Daily Horoscope…it’s like Sesame Street, for grown-ups.)

Here is your horoscope for Thursday, December 30, 2010 (Happy New Years Eve Eve Eve was weak to all you New Years Eve Eve Yves Montand celebrators out there.  We Our Own Selves Personally plan to just watch The Poseidon Adventure and call it a night.  Fortunately, We only look like Shelley Winters from the back.):

(In terms of other New Year-related activities, We are attempting to imagine the reinvention of these humble pages as a vehicle for, if not fiscal recompense, at least some notoriety beyond the seven of all y’all who currently read them.  Any and all suggestions in this regard are welcome.  It is unclear to Us whether any of all y’all ever share Our musings with others, although We do seem to have one Google Reader follower whom We do not know personally.  Yay, Us.  Also, We are the only thing you find if you Google “Abraham Lincoln” and “A Lady from Ealing” together.  So there’s that.  Sigh. 2011 is going to be a long year.)

(In random other news, We continue to have bizarre dreams on an ongoing basis.  Two quick bizarre dream recaps:  in one, John Travolta was on the roof of the house next door to Our childhood home, n@ked and masturbating at passersby. (Not old, fat John Travolta, mind you.  But not young, built John Travolta either.  More like a thirty-ish John Travolta who hadn’t swallowed too many Bens and Jerrys. (One wonders why Micro$oft Weird™ accepts “Bens” but not “Jerrys”.  Then One sees that it doesn’t accept “-ish” either, and One throws up One’s hands.  Then One wonders why the h3ll One ever swallowed One’s hands in the first place.)))

(As for the second, We need to tell you that We frequently have Poseidon Adventure-related dreams.  Sometimes We are on the capsized ship, and other times We are aware that it is a movie, and we are either acting in it, or watching missing scenes.  In the most recent dream, as the ship was turning over, We calmly walked down the gangplank onto the dock (why the ship was turning over at the dock, We haven’t got any idea), and spent the rest of the dream on Our cell phone with the cruise line, trying to get Our money back.)

(And We wonder why no one dates Us.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

Though life isn’t exactly comfortable right now, (We have a brand new bathrobe. We may never leave the house again.)

you can still get a lot done.  (But can We get a lot well done?  More to the point, can We get a lot bloody, bloody, bloody Joan Crawford rare?)

 It may be best for you to close your door or turn off your phone (Or mix your Midol™ with speed…have your period six times in one day.)

— anything that can help you to relax. (A nice dickie leaps to mind.)

(Meanwhile, The Sainted Mother forwarded this to Us yesterday.  It is an email from a company from which she ordered a pre-owned book.  We would go work for them, but they live in some big square state that grows corn:

“Hello!      

         

(Your book(s) asked to write you a personal note - it seemed unusual, but who are we to say no?)            

             

Holy canasta! It's me... it's me! I can't believe it is actually me! You could have picked any of over 2 million books but you picked me! I've got to get packed! How is the weather where you live? Will I need a dust jacket? I can't believe I'm leaving Mishawaka, Indiana already - the friendly people, the Hummer plant, the Linebacker Lounge - so many memories. I don't have much time to say goodbye to everyone, but it's time to see the world!              

               

I can't wait to meet you! You sound like such a well read person. Although, I have to say, it sure has taken you a while! I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but how would you like to spend five months sandwiched between Jane Eyre (drama queen) and Fundamentals of Thermodynamics (pyromaniac)? At least Jane was an upgrade from that stupid book on brewing beer. How many times did the ol' brewmaster have one too many and topple off our shelf at 2am?              

               

I know the trip to meet you will be long and fraught with peril, but after the close calls I've had, I'm ready for anything (besides, some of my best friends are suspense novels). Just five months ago, I thought I was a goner. My owner was moving and couldn't take me with her. I was sure I was landfill bait until I ended up in a Better World Books book drive bin. Thanks to your socially conscious book shopping, I've found a new home. Even better, your book buying dollars are helping kids read from Brazil to Botswana.              

               

But hey, enough about me…”  Seriously?)

             

 The energy around you today is powerful, (We had chili for dinner last night.)

so take it seriously!  (Thank you, oh, interrobang of Serious McSeriousness.)

Keep in mind that everything will be magnified 10 times at least (And We STILL probably won’t be able to read it.)

… tiptoeing around the house could cause walls to crumble, (Imagine what tiptoeing through the tulips could do.  God bless Us, every one.)

and a firm handshake could sprain a wrist. (Limp wrists sink ships…no, wait…loose lips swing hips…d@mn those old sayings; why do they never make any sense?)

You can’t even imagine what could happen if you smile at someone a little too long!  (But We’re pretty sure pyorrhea is involved.)

(It’s okay…We’ll wait while you go look it up.)

The bottom line is that you carry extra weight today (Manny, take this and give it to Our grandson.)

and can make a lot happen with little effort. (Oh, please. It’s past one o’clcok, and We’re still writing this stupid horoscope.)

 Make the most of it — take a big risk.  (Walk softly and carry a big dickie.)

You might have some pent-up energy that’s not perfect for romance, so power through a work project in order to direct it productively. (There were a number of words in that sentence that We didn’t recognize, individually or in groups.  And We ain’t lookin’ ‘em up, neither.)

The flip side is you’ve got the chance for progress and regeneration. (Don’t MAKE Us slap you, bee-yotch.  (Actually, We have no idea what she’s talking about.))

(Shout-outs to all y’all who welcomed Us back yesterday.  Don’t be strangers.  (Well, don’t be any stranger than you already are.))

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )