And Katie had a baby so I guess Tom’s straight

Greetings, Elves Reconstruct Infinitesimal Carousel---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, December 13, 2010 (When One is “almost finished” with One’s Christmas shopping by Memorial Day, One feels no great pressure to finish the last ten percent.  Consequently, One spent the entire weekend never wandering farther from One’sHouseWhereOneLives than the Ack-A-Me, Christmas-be-damned.   (Parenthetically (hence the…well, you get the idea), Micro$oft Weird™ is always sticking its busybody nose in and telling Us what to do, yet when We mistype “Christmas” as “Christams”, as We are wont to do, it can’t be bovvered to autocorrect Us.  Wankers.))

(We were going to tell you about Our dreams last night, of which there were three, which were epic, but as We sat down to start typing this, the first of the three had gone clean out of what passes for Our mind.  We are pretty sure it was something relatively pleasant about show business (which is absurd, as there is nothing “relatively pleasant” about show business), but that is all We can recall.  The second dream was basically a Saw ripoff, which We ended Our Own Selves by saying, “This is annoying and stressful, and We’re going to wake up now.”  In the third, Our entire extended family, including grandparents and others long deceased, as well as all current extant great-grandchildren, were  living (or at least staying) in Our childhood home for an extended period for some reason that was unclear to Us.  Also, there were pets, specifically dogs.  (The Sainted Mother is now rummaging for her smelling salts.)  One couldn’t have five seconds alone, and One couldn’t get a bathroom break.  (Long-time Erix Daily Horoscope readers will have noticed by now that Our dreams in some way always wind up involving toilets.)  The only specific thing We remember from the dream is Our grandfather arranging flowers in a vase, which ought to send Our family who are reading this into fits of hysterics.)

(And to all of this, We say: “What the fu(k ever happened to good old-fashioned s3x dreams?” (Or, for that matter, to good old-fashioned s3x?))

(Micro$oft Weird™, meanwhile, suggests that We change “pretty sure” to “sure”, which isn’t the same thing at all.  Also, it doesn’t recognize “ripoff” as a word.  Of course, Micro$oft Weird™ probably doesn’t have to pay to use its ownself, so how would it know?)

(In other news, “what the fu(k ever happened to s3x dreams?”  Heh.)

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

 Reach out toward others today (Only if We can also touch them.)

— they need you more than they are letting on, (How does it FEEL to need, b1tches?)

and your energy is actually much better spent on altruistic efforts (Suddenly you slipped into a tongue with which We are unfamiliar…is it perhaps Urdu?  Did you slip into Urdu?  And is there any on your shoe?   (Where IS Urdu, anyway?  And are there Jews in Urdu?  Probably a few.  Who knew?))

(See what happens when YouPeople leave Us all alone?)

 than anything designed to get yourself ahead.  (Fine.  Another day, no head.  What else is new (with the Jews in Urdu)?)

Your mind is in a very powerful phase today (Yes, its phasers are apparently set on “Stupid”.)

— especially where visual abilities are concerned — so it’s a great day for artistic endeavors and projects. (Ya hear that?  It’s a great day to be autistic.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Rainman. (Does this mean Tom Cruise is gonna come and rescue Us?  ‘Cause, truth be told, We’d still fu(k him if he’d keep his crazy yap shut.))

On the home front, (It’s a good day for a foam hunt.  (Also, it’s a good thing she didn’t say “comb front”.  (Also also, orange you glad We didn’t say cabana?)))

you should get started with any home improvements (Jeebus Cripes, the InterNetz just told Us that Jonathan Taylor Thomas is twenty-nine years old.  Not that We ever watched that show, but still…)

or redecorating that you’ve been contemplating. (Clearly, it is time to redecorate the windmills of Our mind(s).)

You may find some inspiration early today that makes all your choices clear and popular.  (As opposed, of course, to Our usual “queer and poopular”.)

 Watch out for new opportunities online. (Hey, look!  We won the Nigerian lottery!)

A new face or odd juxtaposition could just jump out at you. (One would imagine that anything referred to as a “juxtaposition” would be inherently odd.  Seriously,…look at that word.  It’s like two Scrabble™ champions threw up on each other.)

When it does, check the profile. (Also, check yo’seff befo’ you wreck yo’seff.)

Even if you find nothing in common at first glance, (Check their pants?)

you’re sure to see more soon.  (In their pants?  (You make my pants wanna get up and dance…))

(We just realized that the two celebrities referenced in today’s Erix Daily Horoscope are Tom Cruise and Jonathan Taylor Thomas.  Which makes all this “pants-checking” ever-so-much more relevant.)

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )