I shot Santa in my underwear; what he was doing there I'll never never know

Greetings, Evildoers Reveal Indoor Cantilever---

(No, it DOESN’T make any sense; what’s it to ya?)

Here is your horoscope for Toozdee, December 14, 2010 (Apparently, George Washington died on this date, two hundred and eleven years ago.  We just learnt that moments ago on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, specifically SitOnMyFaceBook.  And why is that random factoid of any importance to all y’all?  It is important to all y’all because it is a clear indicator of just what a cr@p episode of Erix Daily Horoscope this is going to be. (Our friends across the pond in Great Britland would say it was going to be “pants”. As in, “it’s going to be a totally pants episode of Erix Daily Horoscoupe.” (They put extra “U”s in things, as well.  (We had to put quotation marks around the U, otherwise it would read as “Us”.  And We refuse to pluralize with apostrophes, as it just encourages the ignorant.))  For those who are unaware, when the Britlandish say “pants” they mean what We in the US (oh, dear; now We’ve got “U”s, Us, and the US all in the same d@mn paragraph.  Good thing We haven’t got an editor, or his head would explode.) mean when We say “underpants”.  How Our underpants became an adjective is a mystery to Us all.  Although, if you’d seen the size of Our Own PERSONAL underpants lately, you would imagine they could be all eight parts of speech as well as several expletives. (How Our Underpants Became An Adjective is also going to be the title of Our new children’s book, coming soon to a Barney Noballs near you.))):

(See?  Totally pants. Perhaps sharing a recipe will pull Us out of this underpantsesque morass.  (Heh…” more ass”…get it?)  Don’t say We never gave you nuffing.  (Mainly because that would be a double negative.):  http://www.seriouseats.com/talk/2010/07/boiled-water-recipe.html Be sure to read the comments as well. )

(If anyone can explain to Us why Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to put a comma after the “double” in “double negative”,   We shall come to your house and make you that recipe for dinner.)

(As your gastronomic juices churn (eeeuuuwww), you will no doubt be relieved to learn that We got some Christmas shopping done yesterday, and will be doing some more today.  Also, We will be getting Our hair did.  Hi-ho, the glamorous life!  (Who you callin’ “ho”? (Don Ho, ho, and now Don Ho and George Washington have appeared in the very self-same underpantsy episode of Erix Daily Horoscope.  We would say something about strange bedfellows, but that would be Abe Lincoln.)))

 (Our-O-Scopes:)

You need to get busy today (Also, get jiggy wid it. (We accidentally typed three Gs in “jiggy”.  We took one out, and Micro$oft Weird™ STILL doesn’t think it’s a word.))

— not that it’s all that difficult, given your amazing energy!  (And not that We’re all that energetic, given Our amazing difficulties.)

(Speaking of amazing, does the fact that The Amazing Race is singular make it racist?  Discuss.)

(We just bob and weave, don’t We?  Never know where We’re going to go next, do ya?  Full of sound and fury, negrifying stuffing, innit?)

You should feel all fired up early in the day, (Wouldn’t One need a jawb in order to be fired?)

and then just get more and more revved up as you find new things to do.  (Is “revved” like “bovvered”?  (There’s a whole Britlandish theme going on in here today, isn’t there?  And yet it’s still pants.))

Take a deep breath, because respiration, as everyone who’s done breathing exercises knows, contributes greatly to inspiration.  (More importantly, if you stop breathing, you’re kind of fu(ked, you stupid git.)

 If you’re already inspired, go ahead and aspire to make your ideas real. (That’s all well and good to say, but We still haven’t thought up a plot for How Our Underpants Became An Adjective.)

You can do it, especially if you’re keeping your thinking well oxygenated, (In about six seconds, We are going to choke the very life out of this stupid extended breathing metaphor/analogy/SoiledFruitOfTheLoom™s.)

and chances are a heck (Way to intensify.  @sshat.)

of a lot greater than average that folks are going to want to help you out. (Yeah.  ‘Cause THAT happens.)

This could be a pretty exciting one!  (Just because you’ve put a random interrobang there doesn’t make it so, bee-yotch.)

You’ve certainly got into the spirit of things, and it’s seriously contagious. (So is diphtheria.)

Get everyone nearby in on your good energy and inspiration (SHADDUP!)

— someone who wanders by might just change your life.  (Translation: a homeless person will p00p on your stoop.)

(This is the word of the lardass; thanks be to pants.)                              

(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:

http://www.humorscope.com )