Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherTantricMonday, April 2, 2012. Happy unbirthday to Michael, who did not turn twenty-four on April Fool’s Day. We trust you all had a lovely National Cleavage Day on Friday, followed by a festive April Fool’s Day/Hairy Palm Sunday. And now, welcome to the working week. Unless, of course, you managed to win the lottery, in which case, why haven’t you called?
We Our Own Selves Personally had a jam-packed, fudge-filled…er, FUN-filled weekend, at least in Our dreams. Why, We could keep HBO, ShowTime, AND Logo in scripts for decades, if only We could remember the damn things.
Speaking of television, this happened in Our very neighborhood: http://www.fox.com/kitchennightmares/full-episodes/13241240/chiarella-s , for those of you who like restaurant-reality shows with a soupcon of soap opera.
In other “entertainment” news, We attempted to watch Bridesmaids this weekend. Twice. Apparently, We were not in the proper frame of mind. Whatever the fuck THAT might be. The second time, We didn’t even make it as far as the appearance of FatChickWhoDidn’tWinAnOscar™. Which was fine with Us, because We loathed what We saw of her the first time around. She is apparently Hollyweird’s go-to fat chick, being, like, the only one and all. It must be strange for craft services to have to prepare actual food that somebody isn’t barfing up. At any rate, her name escapes Us, but she also has that CBS sitcom on Monday nights. You know the one, it’s distinguished from all the other CBS sitcoms because in this one, the fat ugly comedian guy is married to this fat chick, instead of to a supermodel.
So, anyway, boo-hoo, no Oscar™ for FatChick. Shelley Winters didn’t win an Oscar™ when she got fat to do The Poseidon Adventure, and she had to swim besides. She did, however, win Oscars™ for other things (such as OMFG, Did You Read Anne Frank’s Diary? She’s In The Attic!), and she didn’t start out as a fat chick. So go back to cramming yourself onto the small screen, FatChick, and better luck next time. Because ya know what? A fat chick who doesn’t have an Oscar™? Is just another fat chick.
In actual entertainment news, We got a little cluttered over the weekend here, with videos of this, that, and your mother, so We’ve cleaned house and are back on task: please go have a look at Starzina’s Time Of The Month Horoscope: Aries video, and share it on SitOnMyFaceBook:
Here it is again, in case you missed it:
(If you actually want to see videos of this, that, or your mother, check out Our e-pissodes from this past weekend.)
And here is a HorrorScope:
You’re feeling totally jazzed up (We interrupt this sentence to bring you the phrase “jizzed up”. Because We are twelve.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ just autocorrected “jizzed” to “jazzed”. Which, had We (subjunctively) not caught it, would have blown (heh) Our entire joke. (How is it that Micro$oft Weird™ still does not know that “subjunctively” is a word? Have you learned NOTHING from Us?))
and excited over something new today (Sketch Comedy Class begins this evening! We always like Spring Sketch Comedy Class the best, because every week it gets warmer, and is lighter out later. Also, comedy.)
— it may be a new love interest, a new activity at the gym or even a new responsibility at work. (Or, if you roll those all into one, We might be beginning a fabulous new career in prostitution.)
(She works hard for the money, so hard for it honey…)
Whatever it is, go for it with abandon! (Just abandon!? Why not reckless abandon!?!? Nipples to the wind, and titz akimbo!!!)
(Titz Akimbo was, actually, the gymnastics coach at Our high school. Needless to say, We didn’t win very many events.)
You’ve got to speak the truth today — and loudly! (TITZ AKIMBO WAS, ACTUALLY, THE GYMNASTICS COACH AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL!!!)
(Heh. We kill Us.)
Do not stay quiet (Not to worry.)
if you see someone acting improperly or telling a self-serving lie. (We are trying (and failing, We might add) to imagine a NON-self-serving lie, and why One might tell such a thing.)
This is not the time to suppress your concerns, suspicions or fears — especially if you would be doing so in an effort to impress someone. (Yeah. ‘Cause nothing impresses people more than a big ol’ mess of unsuppressed concerns, suspicions, and fears.)
Pretending to be something you’re not in order to impress other people is dishonest, and it doesn’t usually work (Also, it is called ”acting”.)
— besides, you’re better than that. (Obviously. Hence the fact that We never get hired.)
Don’t be surprised if those strays at the pet store tug at your heartstrings. (Are We the only One Who’s suddenly hungry for Chinese food?)
Whoa! (Wait…We’re buying a horse?!? What, are We having a dinner party?)
Before you run off and buy a cat or dog, (See if House Of Wang is open tonight…why should You have to cook your own Chinese?)
or add to your menagerie, (Blow out the candles, Laura.)
(That was a little litter-hairy reference. ‘Cause We’re classy like that.)
consider the commitment. (Did you have those papers drawn up AGAIN? Dammit!)
You’re probably not ready to devote at least ten years of your life to its care. (Oh, please. You pop them bad boys into the microwave, they’re done in ten minutes.)
Wait a while. (Alternatively, wait a whale. Have a really BIG dinner party. With Eskimos. (Have them bring pies.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.