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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Don't be the bunny, don't be the stew

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Sunday,  April 8rd, 2012.  Happy Easter!  Unless, of course, you’re Orthodox.  Although We suppose the chances of anyone orthodox reading this are Virginia Slim to nun. So Happy Easter!

(Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us to change “nun” to “none” in the preceding paragraph.  Apparently, you have to rise from the dead pretty early in the morning to pull the wool over Micro$oft Weird™’s eyes.  Although it didn’t say a word about “Virginia Slim”.)

We are up, as you can see, at the crack of assz this Easter morning.  We have already found Our basket.  It will surprise no one that it was exactly where We left it, still covered in cobwebs.  The WorldWideInterWebNetz this morning, meanwhile, are, fittingly, like an empty tomb. Or maybe people are just ignoring Us, specifically.  Good luck witht hat, because We’re not going away.

(We just went off to find Kelli’s Easter ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulations), because We decided to be magnanimous and give YouPeople an actual horoscope after We re-run some other crap.  Kelli informs Us that today is Taylor Kitsch’s birthday.  Who the fuck is Taylor Kitsch?)

Welcome to A Very Special (Almost) All Video E-Dition Of E-Rix Daily Horoscope.  Above, of course, you will find Our Time of the Month Horoscope for Aries, the link for which is here: 

Meanwhile, Our very talented friends at Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die have reached their initial Kickstarter goal, but please don’t stop donating; We hear they are having some legal difficulties about which We will tell you as soon as you go watch their video:

Now that the gag (heh) order has been lifted, We can share with you the letter they received from Messrs.  Coon and Dibble’s attorney:

To: Messrs.  Alexander Bechtel, Michael Doherty, and Gregory Nix

From: Justin M. Bieber, Esquire, Attorney-at-Law

Re: “Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die”


On behalf of my clients, Jeffrey P. (aka “Jeff”) Coon and Benjamin W. (aka “Ben”) Dibble (henceforward “The Plaintiffs”), I must express some grave reservations regarding your proposed theatrical entertainment entitled Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die. While it is certainly true that The Plaintiffs are theatre artists like (allegedly) yourselves, and while they do, in fact, possess healthy senses of humor about themselves and their chosen profession, I am sure you will understand that they cannot in good conscience subject themselves to the slings and arrows of any Tom, Dick, or Harry with an axe to grind and a Kickstarter account.  They have reputations to maintain.  Why, Mister Coon is, by his own admission, currently molesting a young altar boy in the Walnut Street Theater’s production of the acclaimed drama, Doubt. And Mister Dibble is, to my own certain knowledge, watching.

That said, I am confident that we can come to some agreement that will allow some form of your endeavor to move forward in a way that will be fiduciarily beneficial to all concerned parties while eliminating any potential embarrassment to The Plaintiffs.

Herewith are a few of the issues we wish to resolve:

1. The Title: This is, to my mind, the thorniest issue.  While the content of your little pageant will be seen only by those misguided enough to purchase tickets, the title Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Die will no doubt be bandied about in the public press for several months on end.  We find this completely unacceptable, especially with regard to the negative connotations of the word “Die”.  The following are some alternative title suggestions, all of which have been agreed upon by The Plaintiffs.  Please advise my office as to which one you will be adopting prior to your project moving forward:

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Experience Malaise

Jeff Coon or Ben Dibble Must Have A Hangnail

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Diet

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble’s Excellent Adventure

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble in Porgy and Bess

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Must Tie-Dye

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Cure Cancer

You’re A Good Man, Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble, Superstar

Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome

If you have no clear preference, it may help you to know that The Plaintiffs strongly favor the last entry.

2. Casting:  It is unclear to us whether it is your intention to portray The Plaintiffs as characters in your little entertainment or not.  If you do intend to have Mister Coon and/or Mister Dibble appear as characters, we must certainly insist on casting approval. Mister Coon and Mister Dibble will agree to play themselves for a sum of not less than twice the LORT-A weekly minimum per performance.  Further, Mister Coon and Mister Dibble will agree to play each other for a sum of not less than quadruple the LORT-A weekly minimum per performance.  It is further understood that, if Mister Coon and Mister Dibble appear in the show, no other actors will be allowed onstage with them.  Please see Appendix A for information regarding hiring specifications for their individual dressers.

It should be unnecessary to point this out, but, for completeness sake, if Mister Coon and Mister Dibble are appearing in the piece, the title must be changed from Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome to Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble in Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble Are Awesome, where “Jeff Coon and Ben Dibble” appear in a typeface that is no less than 200% of the size of the other words in the title, and where “Awesome” is either glittered or neon, depending on the medium.

3. Royalties: In addition to royalties for the use of The Plaintiff’s names 
(please see Schedule B for amounts), the following words and phrases will also require royalty payments (again, please see Schedule B for amounts):





A little dab’ll do ya

Yabba Dabba Doo






Any other form of the verb “to be”





Movin’ On Up

East Side

Deluxe Apartment in the Sky

Any word beginning with C (yes, especially that one)

Thank you in advance, gentlemen, for your kind attention to this matter.  The Plaintiffs and I look forward to your cooperation.


Justin M. Bieber, Esq.

Here, meanwhile, are several WaitStaff sketches to while away your weekend hours:

Our recent appearance as Joan Rivers, opening the WaitStaff show:

And here We have Rick Santorum on The Dr. Phil Show:

And have We mentioned Our latest video? 

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

You are feeling much less inclined to hang out with people today (Because nobody asked Us?)

— even your close friends and family!  (Random exclamation points this early in the morning?  Have you no class?)

That’s okay, as everyone needs some down time now and then to recharge their emotional batteries.  (If you change that to “emotional assaults and batteries”, it becomes much more colorful.)

There’s a new relationship in your life, (Define “new”.)

and it’s going to start taking you in some very interesting directions. (Define “interesting”.)

You might not feel completely comfortable with this person right now, (Because We have no idea who the hell they are?)

but you can sense that, deep down inside, the two of you have a lot in common. (Well, THERE’S a picture.)

Give this thing time, and keep in mind that you don’t have to break any speed records.  (It’s not like We’re getting any younger over here.)

Take it slow. (We will take it any way We can get it.)

There are no rules. (And yet, you just made two of ‘em.)

And it’s a partnership — work on it together.  (Our right hand is Our right hand man.  If you know what We mean. And We think you do.  Perverts.)

Your emotions could get the best of you today. (We don’t have a best today.  Fooled them!)

Give yourself a few moments to process new information before acting on it. (We are currently drinking chocolate truffle coffee.  Something caused the concept of a jelly bean cocktail to cross what passes for Our mind.  We Googled it on Wikipedia, but We don’t have the proper ingredients.  Alas, poor Yorick.)


(It is nine o’clock in the morning…We didn’t want the cocktail for NOW.  But there is no way to obtain the proper ingredients for later, either. (Also, it sounds like something we would want exactly one sip of, before deciding it was entirely too sweet, and then We’d be stuck with an entire bottle of blackberry brandy, and who the hell drinks blackberry brandy?)

When you allow some time to pass, you’ll be less likely to say something you’ll regret later. (One would now be forced to ponder the difficulty of saying something One regrets when One is talking to Oneself…thanks, Kelli!)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.