Hello,
Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WrenchDay, April
25nd, 2012. Happy birthday to Our Sistah
Asphyxia-8, who turns twenty-four today on Some Island Up North. Happy Administrative Professionals Sounds
Like A Pompously Politically Correct Way To Say “Hookers” Why Not Just Call
Them Secretaries Day to all of Our American Cousins. And Happy Anzac Day to all of Our Friends
From The Land Down Under Whose Barbies Are Shrimpy. We did, We believe, look up what the fuck is
Anzac Day once in years past, but clearly We hadn’t a brain cell to spare to
recall such useless information, so please don’t imagine that We’re looking it
up again. And Humpy Happ Day to the rest
of you.
Is
it just Us, or are a lot of things that for months now have been “going to
happen sometime in the future” about to happen ALL AT ONCE? There are just not enough pages in Our
calendar.
In
other news, when did Blythe Danner become Florence Henderson?
Also,
James van der Beek has an ENORMOUS forehead.
Or, as We call it in The Bizness, “fivehead”.
And,
because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
Which
is a perfect segue (parenthetically, how preposterous are those Segway™
things? They actually have policemen on
them here in Souf Philly…We could run faster than one of them in heels, with
both titz tied behind Our back and Seann William Scott in Our glove compartment…
(Most
of you are now busily trying to imagine what exactly “Seann William Scott in Our
glove compartment” is a euphemism for..good luck with that.))
…this
is a really long segue, no?...
…to
Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus.
Which you will observe above. Also,
here is the link with which to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY
And
now, the HorrorScope:
Oh.
Our. God. It is Renee Zellweger’s
birthday, and no one told Us. This is
just the sort of thing that happens when Blythe Danner is not herself.
Keep
your mind on the big picture today (Now THERE’S an idea: Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: The Major Motion Picture! With The Stars Art
Carney! Audrey Meadows! And Justin Bieber As The Beaver!)
(What
the hell just happened?)
—
you can’t be bothered with trivialities. (And yet, there is Our life.)
Things
are looking good for you, (Honey, there are mirrors in this house. You can’t fool Us.)
as
long as you can avoid the nitty-gritty (And the hokey-pokey.)
and
just keep your eyes on the prize. (There’s
a prize?!?)
Lately,
establishing communications with a certain someone has proven to be difficult —
there’s nothing like a never-ending game of phone tag to rattle your nerves, is
there? (Phone tag is annoying, and We
are playing that in one instance. In
other instances, however, you cannot call it “tag” if no one is returning your
calls.)
Today,
you’ll have to get more creative with your approach. (Okay.
WWBDD? (That’s short for “What
would Blythe Danner do?” If she weren’t (subjunctively),
ya know, Florence Henderson.))
If
your emails go unanswered, how about sending them an online greeting card? (Why not a Strip-O-Gram™? They’d probably enjoy ignoring THAT, too.)
(Enjoy
your Strip-O-Gram™.)
The
personalized approach is always the smarter way to go. (Fine. Enjoy your Strip-O-Gram™, BITCH.)
If
you can appeal to what interests them most, you’re sure to connect and get them
to give you some attention. (The
conundrum there is that what interests them most appears to be ignoring Us and
giving Us no attention. You see the
dilemma?)
(Apropos
of nothing, Dial M For Dilemma is a
much more poetic title than Dial M For
Murder. Discuss.)
The
lighter side of love should hold immense appeal now — for you and for all those
lucky souls encountering you. (Oh, those lucky, lucky souls.)
Have
your smile at the ready, and integrate those flirting ways seamlessly into
conversation. (Hey, Baby, wanna climb into Our glove compartment?)
(See? Blythe Danner would never say that. But that slut of a Florence Henderson…)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner,
We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right
they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you
only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you
actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions
and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™,
hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
No comments:
Post a Comment