Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for WrenchDay, April 25nd, 2012. Happy birthday to Our Sistah Asphyxia-8, who turns twenty-four today on Some Island Up North. Happy Administrative Professionals Sounds Like A Pompously Politically Correct Way To Say “Hookers” Why Not Just Call Them Secretaries Day to all of Our American Cousins. And Happy Anzac Day to all of Our Friends From The Land Down Under Whose Barbies Are Shrimpy. We did, We believe, look up what the fuck is Anzac Day once in years past, but clearly We hadn’t a brain cell to spare to recall such useless information, so please don’t imagine that We’re looking it up again. And Humpy Happ Day to the rest of you.
Is it just Us, or are a lot of things that for months now have been “going to happen sometime in the future” about to happen ALL AT ONCE? There are just not enough pages in Our calendar.
In other news, when did Blythe Danner become Florence Henderson?
Also, James van der Beek has an ENORMOUS forehead. Or, as We call it in The Bizness, “fivehead”.
And, because its brilliance cannot be overstated, Our new motto: Uranus is Our Rosebud.
Which is a perfect segue (parenthetically, how preposterous are those Segway™ things? They actually have policemen on them here in Souf Philly…We could run faster than one of them in heels, with both titz tied behind Our back and Seann William Scott in Our glove compartment…
(Most of you are now busily trying to imagine what exactly “Seann William Scott in Our glove compartment” is a euphemism for..good luck with that.))
…this is a really long segue, no?...
…to Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus. Which you will observe above. Also, here is the link with which to share it with your friends: http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY
And now, the HorrorScope:
Oh. Our. God. It is Renee Zellweger’s birthday, and no one told Us. This is just the sort of thing that happens when Blythe Danner is not herself.
Keep your mind on the big picture today (Now THERE’S an idea: Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: The Major Motion Picture! With The Stars Art Carney! Audrey Meadows! And Justin Bieber As The Beaver!)
(What the hell just happened?)
— you can’t be bothered with trivialities. (And yet, there is Our life.)
Things are looking good for you, (Honey, there are mirrors in this house. You can’t fool Us.)
as long as you can avoid the nitty-gritty (And the hokey-pokey.)
and just keep your eyes on the prize. (There’s a prize?!?)
Lately, establishing communications with a certain someone has proven to be difficult — there’s nothing like a never-ending game of phone tag to rattle your nerves, is there? (Phone tag is annoying, and We are playing that in one instance. In other instances, however, you cannot call it “tag” if no one is returning your calls.)
Today, you’ll have to get more creative with your approach. (Okay. WWBDD? (That’s short for “What would Blythe Danner do?” If she weren’t (subjunctively), ya know, Florence Henderson.))
If your emails go unanswered, how about sending them an online greeting card? (Why not a Strip-O-Gram™? They’d probably enjoy ignoring THAT, too.)
(Enjoy your Strip-O-Gram™.)
The personalized approach is always the smarter way to go. (Fine. Enjoy your Strip-O-Gram™, BITCH.)
If you can appeal to what interests them most, you’re sure to connect and get them to give you some attention. (The conundrum there is that what interests them most appears to be ignoring Us and giving Us no attention. You see the dilemma?)
(Apropos of nothing, Dial M For Dilemma is a much more poetic title than Dial M For Murder. Discuss.)
The lighter side of love should hold immense appeal now — for you and for all those lucky souls encountering you. (Oh, those lucky, lucky souls.)
Have your smile at the ready, and integrate those flirting ways seamlessly into conversation. (Hey, Baby, wanna climb into Our glove compartment?)
(See? Blythe Danner would never say that. But that slut of a Florence Henderson…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.