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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Starzina’s Horoscopes: Where Uranus is Our Rosebud

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for NoReallyIt’sOnlyTuesday, April 24rd, 2012.   Happy belated William Shakespeare’s birthday.  Forsooth, egad, and odds bodkins.   Also, happy belated St. George’s Day.  St. George was, of course, the saint who slew a dragon, thereby proving the continued relevance of Catholicism in the modern age.  Today, meanwhile, is Barbra Streisand’s Birthday.  So it occurs to Us that many of you will not even be reading this, as surely your workplaces are closed in observance.  Babs is, naturally, an avid Erix Daily Horoscope reader.  In fact, she and Bette Midler sometimes call up and read Erix Daily Horoscope to Cher.

That joke was so gay, even We didn’t get it.

You will no doubt have noticed, and possibly remarked upon, Our absence from Bloggonia yesterday.  Perhaps you recall a recent e-pissode in which We said that We had made a mistake that We weren’t prepared to discuss yet?  Said mistake was the occasion of Our 500th e-pissode.  It turns out that Our Google-O-Meter™ was counting various unpublished drafts towards Our total.  So these words that you are currently moving your lips as you read actually comprise the 500th e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope in Bloggonia.  Try to contain your excitement.

We avoided publishing Our 500th e-pissode yesterday because We figgered, why not have it coincide with the release of Our latest video, the twelfth in Our duodecad (We just love saying that…it sounds so dirty), Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus.  Which you will observe above.  Also, here is the link with which Dena will share it with her friends:

You will also notice that, in honor of Our 500th e-pissode, We have departed from Our usual practice of using a song lyric as Our subject line, opting instead for Our new slogan, “Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Where Uranus is Our Rosebud.”  If you watch the video, you will understand.  If you don’t watch the video, you won’t understand.  On the whole you don’t strike Us as particularly understanding.  Oh, and, eat Our ass, Orson Welles.

Now, had you (subjunctively) been a fly on Our wall yesterday, (A.) We would have swatted your disease-ridden ass with a rolled-up newspaper, and (2.) you might, pre-swatting, have observed Us involved in a domestic project that may have also contributed to Our absence from Bloggonia yesterday.  To wit, We needed, in service of a small repair, to find Our fabric scissors.  Which would, generally, be kept in Our sewing kit.  (Not that We sew, mind you, but We have collected, over the years, needles, spools of thread, and various other such accoutrements, all of which are kept in a large Tupperware™ container to which we refer, once a decade, as “Our sewing kit”.) Our sewing kit (which We have now  said three times, thereby relieving Ourself of the need to say it again until 2042)  is kept in the linen closet.  Why?  Because that is where The Sainted Mother keeps her sewing kit, so where the hell else would We put it?

Needless to say, We couldn’t find the needles (heh), or, more to the point (heh, heh), the sewing kit.  Not even several hours later, when We had cleaned out and reorganized the entire linen closet, and done a parenthetical load of laundry.  In fact, We still have no earthly idea where Our fucking sewing kit is, and now We don’t have to say “Our fucking sewing kit” again until 2052, when We shall, in all likelihood, be dead.

“Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes: Where Uranus is Our Rosebud.” 

And now, the HorrorScope.  Reproduced below that is Our weekend retrospective of the eleven prior e-pissodes of Stazina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes.

(Oh, dear.  It’s Barbra Streisand’s birthday, but Kelli wants Us to know that it’s Shirley MacLaine’s birthday.  Babs is gonna be pissed.  (It TWIRLED up!))

You are filled with new and great ideas today (Burp!)

— and you might find that you have a hard time communicating them all to your people. (Oh, yes, indeed, Our “people”.  This is why We reorganize Our Own linen closet.  If We had Our Own “people”, We could come out of the closet…)

(Oh, wait…)

The good news is that you can save some of the best ones for later dry spells.  (“Spells” is a peculiar word, no?  With its many multiple meanings?  “Smells” gets jealous ‘cause it only has one.)

(This is one of those times when you wish you were (subjunctively) Us, innit?)

When was the last time you got seriously flirtatious? (That depends on whom you ask.  (She said coyly, batting her eyelashes from behind her fan.))

(If you’re actually picturing that right now, We may need to have a drink together later.)

You know, that non-subtle, sparkly-eyed flirt that involves cheesy-yet-charming lines and good clean compliments? (You had Us at “non-subtle”.)

There is nothing wrong with making someone else feel good, especially because it will end up making you feel good too! (Well, only if you’re doing it right.)

Make someone’s day today … toss out a compliment to a clerk in a store, smile at a random stranger or send a drippy sweet email to your honey. (“Drippy”?)

Remind yourself that life is supposed to be fun!  (Really?  Is that written down somewhere?  And is it legally actionable?  Where are Our “people”?  Get Our solicitor on the phone!)

Keep things clear and upbeat with friends, family and dates. (Also figs.)

The key is to think fast, talk about lots of fresh ideas and have fun. (Also, a number of other words beginning with F.)

 Past history can wait (As opposed to future history?)

— you don’t want to waste energy this great. (Well, if it isn’t Our Auntie Climax!)

Here’s that retrospective We promised you.  Your-O-Scopes are below:

Welcome to A Very Special Almost-All Video E-Dition Of Erix Daily Horoscope.  In honor of the arrival of the twelfth installment in the duodecad (We just this minute learnt that word…it means “group of twelve”…Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even know it…they want us to substitute “duodenal”) that is Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes, We present a retrospective of the first e-leven e-pissodes, in order from the very beginning:

GEMINI:  Where it all began.  Gad, We were windy back then.  The most memorable thing for Us about this e-pissode was an on-set accident that occurred just before We began filming, in which We smashed Our nekkid left big toe into a piece of furniture.  So, in Our opening credits sequence, which appears in each and every video, when you see Us walking down the stairs, it will amuse you to know that Our left shoe is full of blood, Our left big toe is swollen to the size of Daniel Day-Lewis, and We are in terrible pain.

(How many of you perverts are now trying to figger out what exactly the size of Daniel Day-Lewis is?)

CANCER: All We remember about these next two is that, in a burst of efficiency and brilliance on the part of Our director, We shot them both on the same day.


VIRGO: Never ones to rest on Our laurels, We decided to change it up for Virgo, which was also the first clear indication of the serial nature of Our storyline.  The appearance of The Angel in the thumbnail for this video predicktably piqued Our audience’s interest (see what We did there?).  We are pretty sure We shot Libra on the same day.


SCORPIO:  We definitely shot these next two on the same day.  We are particularly enamored of the Halloween art direction in Scorpio, especially the pre-credit teaser.  Pre-credit teasers become more common from here on out, while the reading of the birthday wishes is retired in favor of a scrolling list.  Also, the cameraman character becomes gradually more defined, in anticipation of his upcoming special e-pissode.

(All of these musings are available to be quoted(for a small fee) as footnotes by those doing masters’ theses or doctoral dissertations on the subject of Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes.)


CAPRICORN: Here is the aforementioned special cameraman e-pissode.  This was so much fun to shoot, and We mostly recall Our director making one impossible thing after another happen with demented ease and glee.  (“Demented ease and glee” really should be the name of something…but what?)  In addition to its contribution to Our storyline, it is funny to Us that this is, quite parenthetically, Our Christmas e-pissode.  Merry!

AQUARIUS:  This is Our last “normal” e-pissode, and, as such, We have almost no recollection of actually shooting it:

PISCES: We were so fortunate to get to work with Barrymore-Award-winning actor, Michael Doherty, on this e-pissode.  Because We’re connected like that.  Some day, he will be famous, and he will have to pay Us a metric fuckton of money to destroy every copy of this video and deny that it ever existed.  No amount of money, however, can cause Us to unsee looking down his pants:

ARIES: And, of course, Our most recent effort prior to Taurus, which caused one Gentle Reader to inquire who the actor playing Our mother was.  Sigh.

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.