Hello,
Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for NoReallyIt’sOnlyTuesday,
April 24rd, 2012. Happy belated William Shakespeare’s
birthday. Forsooth, egad, and odds
bodkins. Also, happy belated St. George’s
Day. St. George was, of course, the
saint who slew a dragon, thereby proving the continued relevance of Catholicism
in the modern age. Today, meanwhile, is
Barbra Streisand’s Birthday. So it occurs
to Us that many of you will not even be reading this, as surely your workplaces
are closed in observance. Babs is,
naturally, an avid Erix Daily Horoscope reader.
In fact, she and Bette Midler sometimes call up and read Erix Daily
Horoscope to Cher.
That
joke was so gay, even We didn’t get it.
You
will no doubt have noticed, and possibly remarked upon, Our absence from
Bloggonia yesterday. Perhaps you recall
a recent e-pissode in which We said that We had made a mistake that We weren’t
prepared to discuss yet? Said mistake
was the occasion of Our 500th e-pissode. It turns out that Our Google-O-Meter™ was
counting various unpublished drafts towards Our total. So these words that you are currently moving
your lips as you read actually comprise the 500th e-pissode of Erix
Daily Horoscope in Bloggonia. Try to
contain your excitement.
We
avoided publishing Our 500th e-pissode yesterday because We
figgered, why not have it coincide with the release of Our latest video, the
twelfth in Our duodecad (We just love saying that…it sounds so dirty), Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus.
Which you will observe above. Also,
here is the link with which Dena will share it with her friends: http://youtu.be/KlqQw4TppqY
You
will also notice that, in honor of Our 500th e-pissode, We have
departed from Our usual practice of using a song lyric as Our subject line,
opting instead for Our new slogan, “Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes:
Where Uranus is Our Rosebud.” If you watch
the video, you will understand. If you
don’t watch the video, you won’t understand.
On the whole you don’t strike Us as particularly understanding. Oh, and, eat Our ass, Orson Welles.
Now,
had you (subjunctively) been a fly on Our wall yesterday, (A.) We would have
swatted your disease-ridden ass with a rolled-up newspaper, and (2.) you might,
pre-swatting, have observed Us involved in a domestic project that may have
also contributed to Our absence from Bloggonia yesterday. To wit, We needed, in service of a small
repair, to find Our fabric scissors.
Which would, generally, be kept in Our sewing kit. (Not that We sew, mind you, but We have
collected, over the years, needles, spools of thread, and various other such
accoutrements, all of which are kept in a large Tupperware™ container to which we
refer, once a decade, as “Our sewing kit”.) Our sewing kit (which We have
now said three times, thereby relieving
Ourself of the need to say it again until 2042)
is kept in the linen closet.
Why? Because that is where The
Sainted Mother keeps her sewing kit, so where the hell else would We put it?
Needless
to say, We couldn’t find the needles (heh), or, more to the point (heh, heh),
the sewing kit. Not even several hours
later, when We had cleaned out and reorganized the entire linen closet, and
done a parenthetical load of laundry. In
fact, We still have no earthly idea where Our fucking sewing kit is, and now We
don’t have to say “Our fucking sewing kit” again until 2052, when We shall, in
all likelihood, be dead.
“Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscopes: Where Uranus is Our Rosebud.”
And
now, the HorrorScope. Reproduced below
that is Our weekend retrospective of the eleven prior e-pissodes of Stazina’s
Time of the Month Horoscopes.
(Oh,
dear. It’s Barbra Streisand’s birthday,
but Kelli wants Us to know that it’s Shirley MacLaine’s birthday. Babs is gonna be pissed. (It TWIRLED up!))
You
are filled with new and great ideas today (Burp!)
—
and you might find that you have a hard time communicating them all to your
people. (Oh, yes, indeed, Our “people”.
This is why We reorganize Our Own linen closet. If We had Our Own “people”, We could come out
of the closet…)
(Oh,
wait…)
The
good news is that you can save some of the best ones for later dry spells. (“Spells” is a peculiar word, no? With its many multiple meanings? “Smells” gets jealous ‘cause it only has one.)
(This
is one of those times when you wish you were (subjunctively) Us, innit?)
When
was the last time you got seriously flirtatious? (That depends on whom you
ask. (She said coyly, batting her
eyelashes from behind her fan.))
(If
you’re actually picturing that right now, We may need to have a drink together
later.)
You
know, that non-subtle, sparkly-eyed flirt that involves cheesy-yet-charming
lines and good clean compliments? (You had Us at “non-subtle”.)
There
is nothing wrong with making someone else feel good, especially because it will
end up making you feel good too! (Well, only if you’re doing it right.)
Make
someone’s day today … toss out a compliment to a clerk in a store, smile at a
random stranger or send a drippy sweet email to your honey. (“Drippy”?)
Remind
yourself that life is supposed to be fun!
(Really? Is that written down
somewhere? And is it legally
actionable? Where are Our “people”? Get Our solicitor on the phone!)
Keep
things clear and upbeat with friends, family and dates. (Also figs.)
The
key is to think fast, talk about lots of fresh ideas and have fun. (Also, a
number of other words beginning with F.)
Past history can wait (As opposed to future
history?)
—
you don’t want to waste energy this great. (Well, if it isn’t Our Auntie
Climax!)
*********************************************
Here’s that retrospective We promised
you. Your-O-Scopes are below:
Welcome
to A Very Special Almost-All Video E-Dition Of Erix Daily Horoscope. In honor of the arrival of the twelfth installment
in the duodecad (We just this minute learnt that word…it means “group of
twelve”…Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t even know it…they want us to substitute
“duodenal”) that is Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes, We present a
retrospective of the first e-leven e-pissodes, in order from the very
beginning:
GEMINI: Where
it all began. Gad, We were windy back
then. The most memorable thing for Us
about this e-pissode was an on-set accident that occurred just before We began
filming, in which We smashed Our nekkid left big toe into a piece of
furniture. So, in Our opening credits
sequence, which appears in each and every video, when you see Us walking down
the stairs, it will amuse you to know that Our left shoe is full of blood, Our
left big toe is swollen to the size of Daniel Day-Lewis, and We are in terrible
pain.
(How
many of you perverts are now trying to figger out what exactly the size of
Daniel Day-Lewis is?)
CANCER: All We remember about these next two is that,
in a burst of efficiency and brilliance on the part of Our director, We shot
them both on the same day.
LEO:
VIRGO: Never ones to rest on Our laurels, We decided
to change it up for Virgo, which was also the first clear indication of the
serial nature of Our storyline. The
appearance of The Angel in the thumbnail for this video predicktably piqued Our
audience’s interest (see what We did there?).
We are pretty sure We shot Libra on the same day.
LIBRA:
SCORPIO: We definitely shot these next two on the same
day. We are particularly enamored of the
Halloween art direction in Scorpio, especially the pre-credit teaser. Pre-credit teasers become more common from
here on out, while the reading of the birthday wishes is retired in favor of a
scrolling list. Also, the cameraman
character becomes gradually more defined, in anticipation of his upcoming
special e-pissode.
(All
of these musings are available to be quoted(for a small fee) as footnotes by
those doing masters’ theses or doctoral dissertations on the subject of Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscopes.)
SAGITTARIUS:
CAPRICORN: Here is the aforementioned special cameraman
e-pissode. This was so much fun to
shoot, and We mostly recall Our director making one impossible thing after
another happen with demented ease and glee.
(“Demented ease and glee” really should be the name of something…but
what?) In addition to its contribution
to Our storyline, it is funny to Us that this is, quite parenthetically, Our
Christmas e-pissode. Merry!
AQUARIUS: This
is Our last “normal” e-pissode, and, as such, We have almost no recollection of
actually shooting it:
PISCES: We were so fortunate to get to work with
Barrymore-Award-winning actor, Michael Doherty, on this e-pissode. Because We’re connected like that. Some day, he will be famous, and he will have
to pay Us a metric fuckton of money to destroy every copy of this video and deny
that it ever existed. No amount of
money, however, can cause Us to unsee looking down his pants:
ARIES: And, of course, Our most recent effort prior
to Taurus, which caused one Gentle Reader to inquire who the actor playing Our
mother was. Sigh.
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner,
We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right
they are!). For real live actual
ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek
here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you
only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you
actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions
and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™,
hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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