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Monday, April 9, 2012

But I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for JustAnotherManwich™Monday, April 09, 2012.  Oh my dears!  And dearettes!  The excitement is palpable here this morning!  (That means, for you non-cunning linguists, that it is capable of being palped.  So palp away, you palping palper people, palp palp palp till you just can’t palp no more!)  We are quivering on the verge of this, the beginning of Our FIVE HUNDREDTH  E-pissode in Bloggonia!

Now, of course, there are far more than 500 e-pissodees of Erix Daily Horoscope altogether…We have been doing this, as We frequently point out, since 2001. Of course, back then, the e-pissodes were cave paintings, and were only shared with a select few people.  Because it’s awfully damn difficult to email people a cave.  In fact, most of those cave paintings prior to 2004 have been lost entirely.  Along with many of the fair-weather friends to whom they were addressed.  Archival e-pissodes from 2004-2007 can still be found (and can now be downloaded as e-books…oh, modern technology!) at http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/epsingel .

Then, in 2010, We exploded onto the scene in Bloggonia, and began sharing Our wit and wisdom with The Great Unwashed.  Of course, Himself was still at the helm then, so all was not beer and skittles.  Here is that very first entry, as an example of what passed for The Funny around here before Starzina arrived on the scene:

Bay-Bee, it’s cold outside

Greetings, Eccentric Rapist Instigates Chastity---

Here is your horoscope for Monday, January 04, 2010 (Well, happy d@mn new year, y’all. And happy Monday. Poised though We are to go all New Millennium on yo’ @sses and enter the Blog-O-Sphere, We just couldn’t ask you to cope with one more new and different thing on this heinous back-to-the-office Monday. Particularly as We lolled about (which, We should point out, is not at all the same thing as “LOLed about”) in Our ever-so-cozy bed while all y’all slogged through the frigidity. You’re welcome.):

(We would make some effort to recap Our Christmas shenanigans at this juncture, but that would be a week and a half’s worth of updates. Why, the bizarre dreams alone would be a novella. A telenovella. Stella’s telenovella. Stella’s telenovella, with some fella’s umbrella, smell a vanilla patella, Stella.)

(You DID sing that last bit, didn’t you? If not, We’ll wait while you go back. (To the tune of “The Name Game” for the musical ‘tards amongst you…ready, set, go! (See? Isn’t your Monday just a little bit brighter already? You’re welcome…AGAIN. (And what have YOU done for US lately?))))

(Those of you who are unwilling or unable to accept the bastardized pronunciation of “vanilla” as “vanella” can just go back and rewrite the whole thing for Us, starring Magilla Gorilla. Also, you can kiss Our grits. Which have been conveniently shoved up Our @ss. (Hey, it’s a new year, and We have turned over a new leaf. Unfortunately for you, it was poison ivy.))

(Also, We know you are waiting with bated breath (and, parenthetically (hence (say it with Us) the parentheses), We are aware that long-time Eric’s Daily Horoscope readers have certainly assimilated the correctness of “bated breath” versus the incorrectivity of (and, indeed, disgustingancigation of) “baited breath”. Indeed, We are WELL aware, as We recall just how very long a time We had to wait for you to master “bated breath”.)…

(We’re gonna pause right in mid-parenthetical for a rousing SEE WHAT WE DID THERE?)

…for Our promised revitalization (there were no parentheses at the beginning because it was a continuation of the preceding parenthetical. Try to keep up. Jeebus!) of Our archival versions. Soon, Glasshoppah, velly soon. But if you’d like to whet your appetite (or wet your whistle, or whittle your…well, never mind), go here: http://www.lulu.com/epsingel .)

(And now, like sands through the hourglass, (or, alternatively, like sh1t through a goose), these are the Dayz of Our Livez…)

Your work, health and daily routines are highlighted by the Moon today. (Well, when the Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, what the h3ll does that even MEAN?)

Take a moment to consider how fulfilled you are from one day to the next. (Mmm-hmm. NOT a good idea. One moment, We’re “taking a moment to consider”; next thing ya know, We’re “heading to the belltower with an Uzi”.)

Are you getting enough time to eat well (Oh, please…have you SEEN Our @ssz lately? (Well, clearly it’s impossible to see it all at the same time. We now have a tattoo on it that says “To be continued”. We had hired a midget to follow Us about with a wheelbarrow, but We forgot Ourself and sat down. Fortunately, the midget was able to get out, but he left the wheelbarrow up there. (We’re a little pressed for time…if We just tell you that there’s supposed to be a “valet parking” joke here, can you fill it in your own selves? KThxBye.)))

and rest deeply? (Well, not as deep as the wheelbarrow.)

(Heh. We kill Us.)

Does your current schedule give you space to enjoy quality time with those you love? (Clearly, “quality time” is a euphemism. You decide for what.)

Efficiency is the name of the game today (No. No, it isn’t. As We have clearly already established, the name of the game today is either “Stella” or “Magilla Gorilla”, depending on how you choose to pronounce “vanilla”. Try to pay some g0dd@mn attention.)

so if you need time or space to rework a more practical routine, take it. (Somehow, that makes Us think of baton twirling. There’re two brain cells We’ll never get back.)

Colleagues are more supportive of your shifting priorities than you realize. (Well, maybe, but We sure did p1ss off the midget.)

(Heh.)
Now, of course, We have classed up the proceedings considerably.  Also, We have added Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope videos to the mix: Please go watch the latest one here: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM  and share it with your friends.

If you would like to see some of the other videos We’ve posted recently, please check out this past weekend’s e-pissodes.

In other news, Happy Easter Monday!  Except, Our Dilbert calendar informs Us, in Scotland.  What day it is in Scotland, We haven’t got any idea.  Let’s just declare it LookingUpEachOther’sKilts Day and move on, shall We?  After all, We are The Internationally Ignored Starzina Starfish-Browne, and We can do as We damn well please!


Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

OhMiGod, to top off all the excitement, it’s Leighton Meester’s birthday!  Yesterday Taylor Kitsch, today Leighton Meester…if we had any idea who the fuck any of these people are, We might not feel eight hundred and twelve years old!

(We are immeasurably cheered by the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ would like Us, in the preceding paragraph, to change “fuck” to “fucks”.  Thanks, Micro$oft Weird™!)

Try not to push those stray thoughts out of mind today — you’ve got some heavy emotional business to take care of now, and the only way you can make that happen is if you follow every lead. (Honey, if it weren’t for stray thoughts, We’d have no thoughts at all.)

You are possessed of an overpowering spirit of renewal (What are We, a library book?)

— and this bodes very well for anyone from your past who’s looking to come back into your life. (We see dead people.)

Are you willing to give someone a fresh start? (That Depends™…what are they willing to give Us?)

You should be prepared to at least weigh pros and cons. (That sentence is particularly funny if you imagine, as We are, the pros and cons as people, i.e. professionals (or prostitutes; your choice) and convicts.)

But you don’t need to respond to an email or a voicemail unless you really want that person back in your life. (If, however, they have gone to the trouble of sending you a cave painting, you really shouldn’t ignore them.  The way people are always resoundingly ignoring Us.  What We ever did to people, We’ll never know.  We try to be nice…)

(Oh, shut up.)

Don’t encourage anyone unless there’s a real possibility of a reunion.  (You mean, DON’T get their hopes up, then crush them like bugs on the rocky shoals of despair?  You’re no fun.)

(We just had t o re-create the entire “answering back Kelli’s horoscope” part from memory, because Micro$oft Weird™ froze on Us.  Apparently, changing “fuck” to “fucks” was too much for its fucking little brain.  Fucker. (Of course We were able to…We are A Highly-Trained Prostitute…er, Professional.  (Do not attempt this at home.)))


 Take it slow when it comes to revealing your true intentions to a crush.  (Especially an Orange one.)

(What?)

Playing it safe might be your best bet today. (As opposed to other days, when playing in traffic is Our best bet?)

Once you know if the feelings are mutual, (The feelings are never mutual.  Trust Us.)

you’ll be more confident in your flirting.  (To say nothing of Our farting.)


  And have We mentioned Our latest video?  http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.