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Friday, April 20, 2012

I saw a dead skunk on the highway, and I was goin’ crazy from the smell



Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for FriedDay, 4/20, 2012.  Happy birthday to Nima, who turns twenty-four today all the way out on The Left Coast.  Swimming pools, movie stars.  Meanwhile, it must be a very confusing day to be in high school (of course, thinking back to Our Own high school days, riding that barefoot dinosaur uphill both ways in the snow, isn’t EVERY day a confusing day to be in high school?).  What marketing genius scheduled The Day Of Silence to protest the marginalization of LGBTQ students on 4/20?  Who’s gonna know if those silent students are protesting, or just really, really stoned?  Jeebus.

In other news, We have an email this morning exhorting Us to “Find a maid service that meets Our needs”.  And yet, actual emails that We might want to read are winding up in Our spam folder.  The hell?

In still other news, We shot Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus yesterday.  So that means you’ll only have to spend a few more days resoundingly ignoring this: http://youtu.be/jy65nirv_BM 

In still still other other news, evidence that We are an idiot continues to pile up.

Aaaaaannnndddd here’s a HorrorScope:

(As always, in Kelli’s desperate efforts to be relevant, with-it, and hep-to-the-jive (what?), she presented Us with a “celebrity” birthday person who may have actually been born yesterday.  Seriously.  Our Tuesday panties are older than this girl.  The ones We bought THIS Tuesday.  We’re not even gonna dignify her by typing her name here (mainly because We have already forgotten it).  So naturally, We felt compelled to go digging for some celebrity birthday names for today of which someone might have actually heard.  So, happy birthday to George Takei.  Also, happy birthday to Adolph Hitler.)

(Hmm.  While One can easily imagine wishing George Takei a happy birthday, One is having a little difficulty creating a mental picture of the circumstances und3er which One would wish Adolph Hitler one.  Even if he were (subjunctively) still alive.  (Of course, having started this joke, We have nowhere to go with it, so…))

NEW PARAGRAPH! (Our madd writing skillzzzz….lettuce show them to you.)

You are starting something up that needs more serious work than you had realized. (All We’re doing is buying a PowerBall™ ticket…it’s not really that hard. (That’s what she said.))

Make sure that your energy is up for it — but the odds are good it is!  (What an awkward, awkward sentence.  Like, boner-in-polyester-pants awkward.)

(Didn’t see THAT one coming, didja?)

(Heh.  She said “coming”.)

(Apparently, We have mentally gone back to high school.  Or, more likely, junior high school.)

Once it’s past, the day is yours.  (Oh, great…just what We need, an expired day.)

A major shakeup is happening in your world today — and just like when tectonic plates shift, these changes could create quite an earthquake. (Wow.  Your metaphoric skillz are…metaphoric. Not unlike a metaphor.)

But instead of freaking out and running for cover, you should run right out into the open so you can be the first person to take in the new landscape once everything settles down. (Mmm-hmm.  The early bird gets the worm.  Nobody ever mentions the unfortunate early worm.  Also, the second mouse gets the cheese.)

Several new opportunities will be bubbling up from under the surface, (Like farts in the bathtub.)

and you are in the very best position to take advantage of them.  (You’re picturing that now, aren’t you?)

If you’ve been watching and waiting to see what happens regarding a certain romantic situation, well, look out! (We don’t know about you, but We are not seeing “look out!” as a good thing in a romantic context.  Just sayin’.)

(“Look out!” he ejaculated.)

(Heh.  Being twelve is fun.)

It’s go time, (It’s come time.)

with all sorts of possibilities on the horizon. (That engenders absolutely no funny  response.)

What — or who — will you choose?  (Colonel Mustard. In the library.  With the FleshJack™.)

(Oh, go Google it…you know you want to.)

 (Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.