Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wednesday, August 01th, 2012. Happy…oh, why bother?
Our InterNetz are pissing Us off this morning. Four separate people are neglecting to respond to Our communications, three of which are of a business nature, three of which were originally sent on SUNDAY, and one of which was in response to a direct solicitation initiated by the non-respondee. Add in the usual quotient of good things happening to bad people and Happy Peppy Plans That Do Not Include Us, and We may just have to turn off the damn computer and go back to bed.
Do you feel better by comparison yet? Good…then Our work here is done.
It is, of course, Make Fun Of Chick-Fil-A Day, so here is The Lovely And Talented Willam Belli to sing you a little song and improve your mood:
In other news, Domenick The Italian Christmas Donkey wants you to know that there are only 145 days till Christmas.
Here’s the HorrorScope:
What? What? WHAT? It’s Tempestt Bledsoe’s birthday? Suddenly, the clouds have parted and all of life is shiny and new. Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day and something-something with Gomer Pyle?
Your compulsion to succeed usually pays off handsomely ("It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." RIP Gore Vidal)
— but right now, you’re not so sure. (Yeah, success is overrated. (WTF are you TALKING about, Kelli?))
Just keep at it this time, as you should find today’s obstacles are just hazy memories not so long from now. (Oh, please. What happened an hour ago is a hazy memory around here.)
There are a few highfalutin folks around you right now. (But that’s okay, because they won’t answer Our emails.)
These individuals really like to live beyond their means — be careful of them. (Why? We will be happy to let them buy Us things.)
Spend too much time with them, especially socially, and you’ll start to feel like you’re missing out if you’re not constantly spending. (If you were (subjunctively) to employ, say, an editor, s/he would tell you that you are muddling your message by using “spend” in two different ways in that sentence. AssHat.)
All of this luxury can be tempting, but it’s not something you can comfortably afford right now. (Speaking of luxury, We got an email earlier from Our Very Favorite Hotel Evah (Which see: http://www.petitermitage.com/ ). It was all We could do not to make a reservation immediately. Alas, poor Yorick…is poor.)
Step back and try and stay grounded. (Grounded?!? What are We, twelve?)
Remember that debt is not a sign of success — nor is it sexy. (And clearly, We? Are all ABOUT The Sexy.)
Your ability to forgive and forget is nearly limitless (Well, you’re half right. We can forget like a trooper.)
— except when it comes to the few biggies. (Was that a fat joke?)
You know the times, when your heart got trampled on and kicked to the curb? (Why, yes. Yes, We do. Thanks for reminding Us. Bitch.)
Ease up on the past; let go of the anger. (Oh, please. What if anger is all We have left?)
(Oooooh…We got all existential on you right there at the end.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.