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Thursday, August 2, 2012

Movies were movies when you paid a dime to escape

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thursday, August Twoth, 2012.

And now for something completely different:  a glimpse into Our day.  We are serving up an abbreviated Erix Daily Horoscope today, as We are off to audition for a student fillum.  For which, We might add, We are wildly inappropriate, which probably means We are wasting Our time and will not get the role.  Alternatively, We WILL get the role, which will then guarantee that the entire misguided enterprise will conspire to annoy Us beyond all that is holy.

Speaking of wildly inappropriate, We are also submitting Ourself (well, Our materials…pixtures, resumes, whatnot) for a television role for which We are also wildly inappropriate.  We will obviously not get this role, because, no matter how annoying it turned out to be, it would pay Us money and be a step up the ladder, and We certainly can’t have that.

When We return to OurHouseWhereWeLive, We will be updating all y’all on the upcoming antics of everybody’s favorite sketch comedy troupe, the WaitStaff.

Could Our day get any more jam-packed and fun-filled?  Is there a way to shoehorn a “fudge-packed” joke in here somewhere?  And what about Naomi?

Here’s the HorrorScope: We are accepting volunteers to Answer Kelli Back, as We need to go perform Our ablutions.  (Why We have to run around like a crazy person on Mary-Louise Parker’s birthday is beyond Us.):

And now, The Lovely And Talented OurMizDonna Answers Kelli Back:

You need to deal with something that is totally new and wild (wouldn't wet and wild be more fun?)

 — so see if you can shake off (wait for the shake!)

 your confusion--you know it’s there-- and embrace this change. Make it even wilder (you mean, like what he did with the character of Willy Wonka?...wait for it...THERE YOU GO!!),

 if you can! There is nothing standing in your way today (stand in the place where you live)!

 The road is wide open and slanted slightly downhill (like my sex life) 

— just enough to let you coast along nicely. Let your ambition take a back seat for today (back seat??  again, like my sex life),

 while you just ride out the day and see what it brings you. Go through this day as if you were pedaling leisurely along through a giant, blooming garden (bloom this you idiot).

 Take your time and you will find a few breathtakingly beautiful surprises (oh hell, just surprise me with fact, that would shock me),

 some comforting sights and some very intriguing new specimens (specimens, hmmm....again mysteriously like my sex life...maybe KelliBelliBoBelli does have psychic powers after all). 

 Waiting and watching; waiting and watching (aahh  I remember this...the rhythm method, right?).

 If you’re staring at the phone, expecting that call, it just isn’t going to happen (and if you're stranded at the drive-in, you may be branded "a fool").

 Instead of remaining at an impasse (with your posse), 

why not make the first move (check mate!)?

 Just be casual — and if nothing else, at least you’ll know where you stand (stand in the place where you live...REM lives).

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.