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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Some cats and rats and elephants


Hello, Ducks!


Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for GoodPieRupeeToozDay, August 28, 2012. In Our continued e-ffort to raise laziness to an art form, here is another scintillating encore presentation of an e-pissode of Erix Daily Horoscope from last year at this time, when We debuted Our first Virgo fillum:


Any lyric EXCEPT “I feel the earth move under my feet”


Hello, Ducks!


Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Wenceslas, King, Good, Downlooker Upon Stephen, Feast of…what the hell were We saying? Oh, yes…August 24th, 2011. Happy Hump Day to everyone in the humpus room. Those of you on the Right Coast may have noticed yesterday’s earthquake, and the daily news reports of the imminent arrival of the disastrous Hurricane Irene Ryan, which can only mean one thing…


They’re remaking The Beverly Hillbillies?


No, fool…We have entered Virgo. Leaving Virgo flushed, sweaty, and begging for more. And right away We give you Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope for Virgo, Our most audacious cinematic effort to date. New sets, new costumes, new credits, and a Very Special Guest Star. What more could YouPeople ask for? Go watch it now…We’ll wait:


There…don’t you feel better now? Why, We Our Own Self feel positively Touched By An Angel. Almost as if Della Reese had let Us wear boaf of her wigs.


In still other news, so you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Before you get all cocky and lie to Us, you should be advised that We are now receiving a daily box office report. And We are here to tell you that tickets are being gobbled up like…well, like some sort of gobblable things that are gobbled by gobblers. So if We were (subjunctively) you, We’d go gobble up some tickets Our (or Your) Own Self, before they’re all gobbled away. Particularly if We were (subjunctively) also participating in the Fringe Festival, and were only able to attend certain performances. Go and gobble; We’ll wait (it’s what We live for.):


And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Della Reese wearing Irene Ryan’s merkin. Or, the HorrorScope:


(Obviously, We’re going to have to wait one more time while many of you scurry off to Google “merkin” on Wikipedia.)


There’s an air of impatience today, (Well, We don’t have time for that.)


(Heh. See what We did there?)


and for once it’s not coming from you. (That’s what you think. We have learned to let Our impatience out silently. Just one of the many benefits of long years spent studying Uranus.)


You’re usually the one who is pushing (Heh.)


for things to go further faster, (Ah, yes, the old further faster farter trick. (How is it that We have yet again managed to get all caught up in fart jokes?))


(Meanwhile, since when does Micro$oft Weird™ recognize “farter” as a word? (Oh, dear Jeebus…because We are an inquiring mind who wants to know, We have just been Googling on Wikipedia (and We ain’t just Ritalin Trixie), and here is what We found:


A flatulist, fartist, or professional farter is an entertainer (sometimes considered a comedian) whose routine consists solely or primarily of farting in a creative, musical, or amusing manner.


We are pretty sure that, when Our high school guidance counselor gave Us career aptitude tests, “flatulist” didn’t make the cut (sorry, We HAD to say that.)))


(Although, now that We consider it, We much prefer the term “fartist”. Why are We just learning this now? After all, any damn idiot child can aspire to be a n astronaut, or a fireman…)


but right now that’s not a high priority for you (The antecedent of this particular “that” is too far back in time for Us even to begin to consider.)


(“This particular ‘that’” is positively lyrical, no?)


— things are already working well. (Not yet. But just wait till We get Our flatulist’s license.)


It might take a bit of explaining to set the worried minds of coworkers at ease. (Um, no. This particular flatulist works alone, thank you very much. We don’t want anyone stealing Our thunder.)


(Shtick around for da jokes…We got a million of ‘em.)


Let them know you’re in control and you know exactly what you’re doing even if you don’t. (Whatever We say here wants to have the word “sphincter” in it, but We don’t know what it is yet.)


Right now it’s important to stay in control. (This would be where the second “sphincter” joke goes.)


Spend the morning focusing on your home life. (Then here, We would switch it up and say “hipster” instead of “sphincter”, and throw “Uranus” in there somewhere.)


(That was a sort of behind-the-scenes glimpse at the inner workings of Erix Daily Horoscope. You’re welcome.)


(Wow, We’re really wrapping this up early today! So here’s a question for all y’all; leave your answers in the comments:


When We say “Uranus”, how many of you find that Uranus tingles? Or clenches? Or both?)


(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.