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Monday, August 20, 2012

Domo arigato, Demi Lovato




Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for  Monday, August 20, 2012.  Our WorldWideInterWebNetz wanted Us to know that it was someone called “Demi Lovato”’s birthday today.  Naturally, We have no idea who that is, but she immediately inspired today’s subject line.  Although Our WorldWideInterWebNetz would do well to wait until We have had at least one entire cup of coffee before informing Us that anyone was actually born in 1992, or We might have to punch it in its WorldWideInterWebNetzian piehole.  Seriously, how is this child famous?  Shouldn’t she still be in high school?

Oh, fercrissakes, Micro$oft Weird™, “piehole” is so too a word.  It means the same thing as “cakehole”, except pie is generally better.

Now We want pie.

Speaking of Young People, We spent most of Our weekend surrounded by them, as We had the last two days of Our student fillum shoot.  If you have been to Our SitOnOurFaceBook page recently, you will have seen pixtures of Us outside of a tent, in the company of a lanky youth with a very large gun.  Well, on Friday, those industrious and clever Young People had erected (ahem) that self-same tent in a recording studio, so We could shoot interior scenes.  On the plus side, being indoors greatly reduced the artistic participation of Our insect friends.  On the minus side, the tent was now full of vile smelling straw and/or hay (is there a difference?  If so, what is it?), and We had to play the entire scene on Our geriatric knees.  Ah, the glamour.

(Parenthetically (hence the parentheses), simply by Googling “hay vs. straw” on Wikipedia, We immediately came up with the answer to Our earlier query.  We suggest you skip the next two paragraphs (or at least nakedly skim them); We know We are (skipping, not nakedly skimming):

Hay refers to grasses or legume plants cut down fresh and baled for animal feed. Hay bales are usually greener than straw bales, the plant material finer. Hay smells really nice, too. You would not want to use this stuff as mulch, or you'd end up sprouting a yard full of alfalfa or whatever. It's also more expensive than straw, about three times as much, depending on the grass type. No one would use hay as bedding.

Straw is the dried stalks of cereal plants, like wheat. It's a by-product of harvest. If any seeds remain on the stalks, it's by accident. Therefore, straw is nutritionally void, and is not animal feed. However, that lack of seeds makes it a fine mulch, and an inexpensive bedding material. We line our chicken coop with it, and recommend it for weed suppression projects.

)

Zzzzzzzz…ooops, We’re back.

We cannot, of course, tell you what We spent the day…and evening…and night DOING in the tent, as you may someday have the opportunity to see this fillum, and We wouldn’t want to spoil it.  Although We will tell you that We were nearly killed by a tentpole, and that is not a euphemism. (Although We were surrounded the entire time by plenty of tentpole, none of which, unfortunately, ever posed any threat to Us whatsoever, and that IS a euphemism.)

Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t think “tentpole” is a word.  Micro$oft Weird™ apparently hasn’t seen Our Young People.


On Saturday, We were up at the crack of ass after precious little sleep to go back on location for the exciting conclusion of Our saga, which involved the return of Damien, the four-year-old Demon Spawn Of Satan.  Also, Our character had a wife, at least long enough for her close-ups, after which We spent the rest of the day addressing Our remarks to her empty chair.  Once these supernumeraries had been dispensed with, Our costar and We demonstrated why you should always hire theatre actors for your cinematic endeavors, as We pumped out the same three-page scene over and over again as they shot it from every angle except possibly endoscopically.

We do so hope they don’t get the editing room and discover Our Foghorn Leghorn imitation.

On Sunday, of course, We played The Match Game.  Which We will be doing again on Thursday:

Everyone’s favorite sketch comedy troupe The WaitStaff will be doing A Very Special Preview Performance of their Fringe show, The Real Housewives of South Philly Play The Match Game!, on Thursday, August 23 at 7:30 at L’Etage.  The SitOnMyFaceBook event has more info here http://www.facebook.com/events/485179294844645/ and tickets are available here: 
The contestants for this performance will be artists from other (funny) Fringe shows:

Darryl Charles (ComedySportz)
Jeff Soles (Wawapalooza 6)
Steve Mclean (Fringe Wraiths)
Jefrey Wilkerson (I Hate Monologues)

Viva La Fringe!

Apropos of nothing, was there anyone who didn’t think that William Windom was already dead (except, possibly, William Windom)?

Here’s the HorrorScope:

You need to show someone you’re on their side (That depends…how big is their tentpole?)

(Clearly, We have a one-track mind.  (Fortunately, there’s a dolly on it.  (That there was a little cinema joke.)))

 — even if you’ve got other things to do today.   (Wow.  How callous izzat?  “Yeah, We’ve got your back.  As soon as We pick up the dry cleaning and empty the litter box.”)

That just means it is going to take extra energy on your part, but you can do it!  (Yes, We can!)

The karma alone is worth it.  (And, as a bonus, there’s a chameleon.)

 There’s a real heat growing between you and someone else —  (That’s what happens when you rub two tentpoles together.  (It occurs to Us that We may have a concussion after all.  Of course, how would anyone know?))

unfortunately, this person is probably not emotionally available right now.  (Trust Us, you do not need to be “emotionally available” to properly celebrate Demi Lovato’s birthday with Us.)

You need to pull your heart out of this situation (Did you never re-read this, Kelli?  Because that is certainly not how We would choose to phrase that.)

and look at it with practical eyes. (How dull.)

Is all of this stress really worth the potential payoff? (NO.)

Probably not. (Or frayed knot, depending on your perspective.)

Moving on may be difficult, but it may be the only way to deal with a situation in which you’re not getting what you deserve.  (What We deserve would also seem to depend on One’s perspective.)

You’ll find comfort in rituals. (Also in victuals.)

That’s why now’s a great time to cultivate a daily or weekly observance.  (Really?  If We only make one observation a week, Our life is gonna come to a (more) serious standstill.)

It can be anything: a hot bubble bath, a noon nap, a climb up a rock wall  (“A climb up a rock wall”?  Have you MET Us?)

---whatever it is, relish the experience and give yourself something to look forward to. (Tentpoles at twenty paces.)


 

(Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
                            
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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.