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Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I can't stand Lorraine


Hello, Ducks!


Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Hump Day, August 29, 2012.  The very happiest of Hump Days to You and Yours.  And now, Our Blasts-From-The-Past continue apace…

One virgin, one Scot, and one queer

Hello, Ducks!


Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s Daily Horoscope for Thorogood, George, Destroyers, and the, August 25th, 2011. Correct Us if We are wrong (and We thought We were wrong once, but We were mistaken), but wasn’t this stupid hurricane supposed to be ruining Our weekend? And, unless They have changed things, Thursday is not part of the weekend. Fuck you, The Weather, and the hurricane you rode in on.


As an antidote to the suckitude that is The Fucking Weather, here is a video with an angel in it:





In still other news, do you have your tickets to The Wedding Consultant yet? Unless the hurricane destroys the theatre, We shall be strutting and fretting just one week from tomorrow:


Meanwhile, We completely missed Trash Day yesterday, then spent half the night lying awake. We have a few things on what passes for Our mind. Not the least of which is why none of all y’all answered yesterday’s question about Uranus. Tingling? Clenching? Both? Nuns?


And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for: Judi Dench’s buttocks clenching. Or, the HorrorScope:


Your energy levels may be concerning you today, (We don’t have the energy to worry about Our energy.)


but there’s not much you can do except wait. (YOU wait. We give up.)


They’re likely to improve overnight, and you can certainly catch up on anything you didn’t get done today. (So We should put out yesterday’s trash tomorrow? The neighbors will love that.)


Get ready for the view to improve and your energy to increase (Make up your damn mind, Bee-Yotch.)


— the road you’re on right now is going to provide you with some easy, breezy movement (Sleazy, queasy, beautiful Cover Girl™.)


(Remind Us again why We have no corporate sponsors?)


for the next few weeks. (“The next few weeks” covers the run of Our show. We really wish Kelli hadn’t put her asshatty predictions on that.)


This will create perfect conditions (Yeah. “Perfect”. No doubt. You do recall that this is OUR life you’re talking about, yes?)


for launching your latest adventure or work project. (Now We are concerned with possible connotations of “launching”.)


Any conflicts or trials you encounter will be personality driven, so if you just learn when and how to distance yourself from aggravating people, you’ll do just fine. (Oh, it’s just that simple, izzit? Just get away from the aggravating people, then? Antarctica, here We come.)


Remember, you can always rely on yourself. (Not when We can’t even remember to put the trash out.)


Time to reassess what you want from life, and this includes love. (Only the most astute of Our Gentle Readers will realize that she is using “love” in its tennis sense.)


Reflect on past relationships and make a list of all the qualities you liked and loathed from your exes. (Clearly, that way lies madness.)


Break bad dating cycles now. (Obviously, no one reads this far, or someone would have answered yesterday’s Uranus question, but We should like at this juncture to point out that We need a date for Our opening night, so if anyone has Johnny Depp’s new phone number, now would be the time. (We would phone him Our Own Self, but the restraining order forbids it.))




(Your YOUR-O-Scopes:


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.