Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherManNipsMonday, April 1th, 2013. Happy Birthday to Don, who turns twenty-four
today. Also, Happy Birthday to Peter,
who also turns twenty-four today. (It
occurs to Us that We do a great deal of “Happy Birthday” wishing, and yet We
almost never get cake. (Which reminds Us, naturally, of the Marie Antoinette
quote, “If We let you eat any more damn cake, Uranus will eclipse the sun.”))
As
you can see, We are kicking off this brand spanking (heh) new month with a
fevered burst of classiness the likes of which Our Gentle Readers have rarely
seen before. Because Our ass is NOTHING
if not classy, yes? (Well, gassy also,
but lettuce try to stay on point.) How
many OTHER Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s do you know who tell Marie Antoinette jokes?
(If
you’re very, very good (to digress for just a moment), We shall tell you Our
famous Marie Antoinette knock-knock joke, which is the only joke in the history
of comedy to feature Marie Antoinette’s knockers. (One of which was
substantially larger than the other.
True historical fact.))
But
enough of this levity and frivolity. We
have so very much to Cher with you all, and so little time in which to Cher it.
(Does seeing “Cher it” like that make anyone else think of Cheez-Its™? Because mmmmmm…Cheez-Its™.)
First
and Formosa, We were at rehearsal for Our murder mystery on Saturday when the
most amazing thing happened. We cannot
Cher all the details or name any names, as all of the ink is not dry yet, but
one of Our castmates has a connection to
A Very Well-Known Indie Director who is going to be turning Our little murder
mystery into an indie fillum! With Us in
it! Stay tuned to this space for further
developments.
Seconal,
as if that weren’t (subjunctively) all exciting enough, We were wending Our way
home after rehearsal when We were accosted by a dulcet baritone echoing from an
emerald green Alfa Romeo, asking for directions to Our favorite Souf Philly
restaurant. Faster than you can say, “Like
a good neighbor, Funny Farm is there”, We were ensconced in the passenger seat
of said Alfa Romeo to personally direct the owner of said dulcet baritone (and
said Alfa Romeo) to said restaurant. As
We were parking at same, his plans were cancelled, and We were invited to have
dinner with him.
To
make a long story short (too late), We are only writing this e-pisstle now
because he had to leave this morning to chair a board meeting at his company.
Did
We mention that he looks exactly like Cillian Murphy?
Thurgood
Marshall the Third, while Cillian was taking an emergency conference call with
Tokyo yesterday, We discovered that We had finally won PowerBall™. Oh, not the big
prize, of course; only five hundred thousand.
Which will only be a quarter of a million after taxes. But still…enough to demonstrate that We are
not sticking with Our new beau (Our new Boo?) just for the bucks.
Speaking
of basking in the afterglow, here is the
link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies,
frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, thus enabling Us to win The Best Video On
YouTube Award:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history,
and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother,
Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t
get better than they are already, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
In celebrity birthdays, The Lovely And
Talented Michael Long was born today. Or
at least that’s what SitOnOurFacebook told Us.
Last year, anyway. Perhaps, if
Cillian has to work late at the office, We shall jump out of Michael’s cake
later. Or into it. One of those.
You are feeling good about your place in the
world (Are there place cards for Our place?
These are the things We’ll need to be worrying about in Our Whole New
World. Where is Amy Vanderbilt when One
needs her? (Meanwhile, if Amy Vanderbilt married James van der Beek she’d be
Amy Vanderbilt van der Beek. (And he’d
be really grossed out, because she’s been dead for almost thirty years.)))
(Vanderbilt…van der Beek…Vanderbilt…van der
BAH-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha…)
(Sorry.)
— or, if somehow you feel out of sorts, you
see a solution immediately available. (One could always sort out how out of
sorts One feels.)
(Okay, THAT song virtually writes itself.)
Indulge your cultural instincts to get things
going quickly! (Have a bran muffin!)
You’re entering a vibrant time in your life, (You
can say whatever you like, it’s still menopause.)
which means it’s a great time to begin
exploring a new hobby, interest or career opportunity. (Which part of “Cillian Murphy” did you not
hear Us say?)
Your brain is open wide (Indeed so.
We’re like the Reach™ toothbrush guy over here.)
to new ideas and new ways of doing things, (We’ve
tidied up Our point of view, We got a new pair of shoes!)
and it’s ready to put in the practice or
research required for you to excel. (Ugh.
If We never have to look at Excel again, it will be too soon.)
Stepping out of your comfort zone is usually
a bit scary for you, (What if your comfort zone makes you uncomfortable?)
but today it will feel downright invigorating
to go where you’ve never been, see something you’ve never seen, and taste
something you’ve never tasted. (Is it
just Us, or is that just downright dirty?)
Trying something new (Or nude.)
— and encountering some fresh blood while
you’re at it (So We’re in a vampire movie now?)
— is definitely favored through most of the
day. (But how is it flavored?)
Tonight, though, you should take some time
for yourself and get grounded. (We are a
grown woman…who exactly is going to ground Us?)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam,
and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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