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Monday, April 1, 2013

No, you’re a very special girl, June. (April.) April. (Thank you.)

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  JustAnotherManNipsMonday, April 1th, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Don, who turns twenty-four today.   Also, Happy Birthday to Peter, who also turns twenty-four today.  (It occurs to Us that We do a great deal of “Happy Birthday” wishing, and yet We almost never get cake. (Which reminds Us, naturally, of the Marie Antoinette quote, “If We let you eat any more damn cake, Uranus will eclipse the sun.”))

As you can see, We are kicking off this brand spanking (heh) new month with a fevered burst of classiness the likes of which Our Gentle Readers have rarely seen before.  Because Our ass is NOTHING if not classy, yes?  (Well, gassy also, but lettuce try to stay on point.)  How many OTHER Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist)s do you know who tell Marie Antoinette jokes?

(If you’re very, very good (to digress for just a moment), We shall tell you Our famous Marie Antoinette knock-knock joke, which is the only joke in the history of comedy to feature Marie Antoinette’s knockers. (One of which was substantially larger than the other.  True historical fact.))

But enough of this levity and frivolity.  We have so very much to Cher with you all, and so little time in which to Cher it. (Does seeing “Cher it” like that make anyone else think of Cheez-Its™?  Because mmmmmm…Cheez-Its™.)

First and Formosa, We were at rehearsal for Our murder mystery on Saturday when the most amazing thing happened.  We cannot Cher all the details or name any names, as all of the ink is not dry yet, but one of Our  castmates has a connection to A Very Well-Known Indie Director who is going to be turning Our little murder mystery into an indie fillum!  With Us in it!  Stay tuned to this space for further developments.

Seconal, as if that weren’t (subjunctively) all exciting enough, We were wending Our way home after rehearsal when We were accosted by a dulcet baritone echoing from an emerald green Alfa Romeo, asking for directions to Our favorite Souf Philly restaurant.  Faster than you can say, “Like a good neighbor, Funny Farm is there”, We were ensconced in the passenger seat of said Alfa Romeo to personally direct the owner of said dulcet baritone (and said Alfa Romeo) to said restaurant.  As We were parking at same, his plans were cancelled, and We were invited to have dinner with him.

To make a long story short (too late), We are only writing this e-pisstle now because he had to leave this morning to chair a board meeting at his company.

Did We mention that he looks exactly like Cillian Murphy?

Thurgood Marshall the Third, while Cillian was taking an emergency conference call with Tokyo yesterday, We discovered that We had finally won PowerBall™. Oh, not the big prize, of course; only five hundred thousand.  Which will only be a quarter of a million after taxes.  But still…enough to demonstrate that We are not sticking with Our new beau (Our new Boo?) just for the bucks.

Speaking of basking in the afterglow,  here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums, thus enabling Us to win The Best Video On YouTube Award:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get better than they are already, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

In celebrity birthdays, The Lovely And Talented Michael Long was born today.  Or at least that’s what SitOnOurFacebook told Us.  Last year, anyway.  Perhaps, if Cillian has to work late at the office, We shall jump out of Michael’s cake later.  Or into it.  One of those.

You are feeling good about your place in the world (Are there place cards for Our place?  These are the things We’ll need to be worrying about in Our Whole New World.  Where is Amy Vanderbilt when One needs her? (Meanwhile, if Amy Vanderbilt married James van der Beek she’d be Amy Vanderbilt van der Beek.  (And he’d be really grossed out, because she’s been dead for almost thirty years.)))

(Vanderbilt…van der Beek…Vanderbilt…van der BAH-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha…)


— or, if somehow you feel out of sorts, you see a solution immediately available. (One could always sort out how out of sorts One feels.)

(Okay, THAT song virtually writes itself.)

 Indulge your cultural instincts to get things going quickly!  (Have a bran muffin!)

You’re entering a vibrant time in your life, (You can say whatever you like, it’s still menopause.)

which means it’s a great time to begin exploring a new hobby, interest or career opportunity.  (Which part of “Cillian Murphy” did you not hear Us say?)

Your brain is open wide  (Indeed so.  We’re like the Reach™ toothbrush guy over here.)

to new ideas and new ways of doing things, (We’ve tidied up Our point of view, We got a new pair of shoes!)

and it’s ready to put in the practice or research required for you to excel.  (Ugh.  If We never have to look at Excel again, it will be too soon.)

Stepping out of your comfort zone is usually a bit scary for you, (What if your comfort zone makes you uncomfortable?)

but today it will feel downright invigorating to go where you’ve never been, see something you’ve never seen, and taste something you’ve never tasted.  (Is it just Us, or is that just downright dirty?)

Trying something new (Or nude.)

— and encountering some fresh blood while you’re at it (So We’re in a vampire movie now?)

— is definitely favored through most of the day. (But how is it flavored?)

Tonight, though, you should take some time for yourself and get grounded.  (We are a grown woman…who exactly is going to ground Us?)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.