Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday,
HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs,
StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, April Twenny-Turd, Twenny-TurdTeen. Forsooth, odds bodkins, and
what-what-whatnot, it is, perforce, William Shakespeare’s birthday. It is also, sources tell Us, somewhere in the
vicinity of the beginning of baseball season, hence today’s subject line. Contrary to what Americans would have Us
believe, baseball was indeed played back in Shakespeare’s time. Except they called it “cricket”, and they
kept their balls in codpieces.
We do so love history here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We have to; We’ve lived through so much of
it.
In more recent news, Happy Birthday to Amy,
who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Jersey. Can it really have been ten years ago that We
appeared together in Creussical: The
Musical? What talented
fourteen-year-olds We were!
We had initially intended to write today’s
entire e-pissode in iambic pentameter in honor of The Bard (that’s what The
Kewl Kidz call Shakespeare, for those of you who aren’t The Kewl Kidz), but We
have to move this along to get to some emergency script surgery on Our murder
mystery. Turns out, the interrogation
scene isn’t long enough to give the kitchen adequate time to prepare the main
course. Art, as they say, isn’t easy.
We, on the other hand, are. Easy, that is. Try to tell as many people as you can.
Speaking of “Capital One™: what’s in YOUR
codpiece?”, We are still awaiting with bated breath (which, as We have explained
many times before, is different than baited breath, because, eeeeuuuuwwww)
photographs of codpiece contents from Minnesota. To quote historically from yesterday:
“And now, having spent a full twenty-four
hours reflecting upon Our naked Minnesotan, One wonders if it isn’t, in fact, a
little cold in Minnesota to be naked. Shrinkage issues, and
whatnot. Perhaps naked Minnesotan experts will weigh in on this.
Hopefully with photographic evidence.”
Speaking
of “Is that the Virgin Mary in your Speedo™, or are you just happy to see Us?”,
as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s
Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video,
(…that inside joke was so far inside, only
one of Our Gentle Readers will even understand it. But that’s just the kind of full-service
ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) We are.
Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, tickling Our Gentle Readers’ funnybones one at
a time. Since 2001.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to believe
that “funnybones” is a word. Apparently,
Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t looked in Our codpiece lately.)
and We could not wait to Cher. Here is the link with which you
will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history,
and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual
reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
Speaking of Shakespeare, the following
thespian luminaries are also having birthdays today: Barry Watson, of Seventh Heaven fame (and who ISN’T waiting for his Hamlet?);
Valerie Bertinelli, who may finally be ready to give Us a truly memorable Lady
MacScottishPlay; Lee Majors, clearly on the verge of redefining King Lear; Joyce
DeWitt (could there BE a more brilliant choice to don trousers and blackface
for Othello?); and, of course, Herve Villechaize, who unfortunately shuffled
off this mortal coil before giving Us the definitive Richard III.
Now
is the best possible time for you to get started on something new. (Jeebus Cripes, We just got done casting an
entire season of Shakespeare…you want We should do a bubble dance?)
It could be a new house, a new job or even a
new romance — but you’re feeling the urge to leave the past behind for
good. (Yeah, leaving the past behind
tends to be a good idea. Because if you
are looking forward to the past? You’re
going to be seriously disappointed.)
There
are several key facts you still don’t know, (Do We know that We don’t know
them? And how do We know that We don’t
know them, if We don’t know them? Is
puzzlement.)
so
this is not a good time for any major action. (It is, on the other hand, an
excellent time for some privates action.)
(Paging
Minnesota…Minnesota, to the white courtesy phone please…)
If
you are trying to come (Heh. )
to
a decision about a person you have just met, an opportunity that has just
arrived on your doorstep, (Opportunity is at the door, and you should see her
knockers!)
or
an upcoming travel itinerary, hold off making any commitments right now. (Oh, no, you don’t! We have had commitment papers drawn up, and
We are having him committed! And won’t
he be SURPRISED!)
New
acquaintances just immediately get you. (Well, aren’t they lucky?)
(Apropos
of nothing, We walked all the way to Our class at Drexel yesterday. Why are We not thin?)
Could
it be that there’s a potential romantic attraction here? (It certainly could be. We are attracted to so many people. The problem is, they are never attracted to
Us.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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