Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, April Twenny-Turd, Twenny-TurdTeen. Forsooth, odds bodkins, and what-what-whatnot, it is, perforce, William Shakespeare’s birthday. It is also, sources tell Us, somewhere in the vicinity of the beginning of baseball season, hence today’s subject line. Contrary to what Americans would have Us believe, baseball was indeed played back in Shakespeare’s time. Except they called it “cricket”, and they kept their balls in codpieces.
We do so love history here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We have to; We’ve lived through so much of it.
In more recent news, Happy Birthday to Amy, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in New Jersey. Can it really have been ten years ago that We appeared together in Creussical: The Musical? What talented fourteen-year-olds We were!
We had initially intended to write today’s entire e-pissode in iambic pentameter in honor of The Bard (that’s what The Kewl Kidz call Shakespeare, for those of you who aren’t The Kewl Kidz), but We have to move this along to get to some emergency script surgery on Our murder mystery. Turns out, the interrogation scene isn’t long enough to give the kitchen adequate time to prepare the main course. Art, as they say, isn’t easy.
We, on the other hand, are. Easy, that is. Try to tell as many people as you can.
Speaking of “Capital One™: what’s in YOUR codpiece?”, We are still awaiting with bated breath (which, as We have explained many times before, is different than baited breath, because, eeeeuuuuwwww) photographs of codpiece contents from Minnesota. To quote historically from yesterday:
“And now, having spent a full twenty-four hours reflecting upon Our naked Minnesotan, One wonders if it isn’t, in fact, a little cold in Minnesota to be naked. Shrinkage issues, and whatnot. Perhaps naked Minnesotan experts will weigh in on this. Hopefully with photographic evidence.”
Speaking of “Is that the Virgin Mary in your Speedo™, or are you just happy to see Us?”, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video,
(…that inside joke was so far inside, only one of Our Gentle Readers will even understand it. But that’s just the kind of full-service ass(tromalogical) ho(roscopulist) We are. Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope!, tickling Our Gentle Readers’ funnybones one at a time. Since 2001.)
(Micro$oft Weird™ doesn’t seem to believe that “funnybones” is a word. Apparently, Micro$oft Weird™ hasn’t looked in Our codpiece lately.)
and We could not wait to Cher. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
Speaking of Shakespeare, the following thespian luminaries are also having birthdays today: Barry Watson, of Seventh Heaven fame (and who ISN’T waiting for his Hamlet?); Valerie Bertinelli, who may finally be ready to give Us a truly memorable Lady MacScottishPlay; Lee Majors, clearly on the verge of redefining King Lear; Joyce DeWitt (could there BE a more brilliant choice to don trousers and blackface for Othello?); and, of course, Herve Villechaize, who unfortunately shuffled off this mortal coil before giving Us the definitive Richard III.
Now is the best possible time for you to get started on something new. (Jeebus Cripes, We just got done casting an entire season of Shakespeare…you want We should do a bubble dance?)
It could be a new house, a new job or even a new romance — but you’re feeling the urge to leave the past behind for good. (Yeah, leaving the past behind tends to be a good idea. Because if you are looking forward to the past? You’re going to be seriously disappointed.)
There are several key facts you still don’t know, (Do We know that We don’t know them? And how do We know that We don’t know them, if We don’t know them? Is puzzlement.)
so this is not a good time for any major action. (It is, on the other hand, an excellent time for some privates action.)
(Paging Minnesota…Minnesota, to the white courtesy phone please…)
If you are trying to come (Heh. )
to a decision about a person you have just met, an opportunity that has just arrived on your doorstep, (Opportunity is at the door, and you should see her knockers!)
or an upcoming travel itinerary, hold off making any commitments right now. (Oh, no, you don’t! We have had commitment papers drawn up, and We are having him committed! And won’t he be SURPRISED!)
New acquaintances just immediately get you. (Well, aren’t they lucky?)
(Apropos of nothing, We walked all the way to Our class at Drexel yesterday. Why are We not thin?)
Could it be that there’s a potential romantic attraction here? (It certainly could be. We are attracted to so many people. The problem is, they are never attracted to Us.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.