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Friday, April 26, 2013

Rock on

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Fridee Frisée Frizz-Ease™ Febreeze™ Nope-We-Got-Nothin’, April 26, 2013.  Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Roxane, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in Virginia.  Happy Birthday also to Raechal, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in New Jersey.  Also also, Happy Birthday to Christina, who also also turns twenty-four today, but (surely you didn’t think We were gonna give you a second “albeit”) in Massachusetts, which, Our InterNetz inform Us, is neither in Virginia nor New Jersey.  (Nor, presumably, in Old Jersey, although they didn’t mention that specifically.) And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Letta, who turns twenty-four today, mercifully right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.

Whew!  That there’s a whole lotta geography for a geographically-challenged person like Our Own Self.  And it ain’t over yet, because Happy Birthday In Advance to Dena, who turns twenty-four tomorrow in MaryLand, which We believe We have discussed at length in these e-pisstles before.

(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to.   Here it is, and you’re welcome:

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)

Did it butter your butt that your second “albeit” was just a “but”, but not an “albeit”, albeit not a “butt”, buttered or not?


What what chicken butt.

We were about to embark upon a screed about how rude These Pesky Kids are on the InterNetz, but then We realized that those who would most need to hear it weren’t paying any attention, so We’ve spared you.  Once again, you’re welcome.

Speaking of “apparently, str8 bois will NOT send you random pictures of their junk, even if said pictures cannot possibly be traced back to them”, as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

It is Tom Welling’s birthday.  Really, what else do you need to know?  (Well, this just in…apparently, you also need to know that it is Michael Damian’s birthday, as he just thanked Us on Twatter for sharing Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.)

People keep asking you if something’s wrong (Of COURSE something’s wrong…people keep asking Us stupid questions!)

 — which is part of the problem, actually!   (See?  Even Kelli knows wuzzup…and We all know what an AssHat SHE is.)

You just need some time to yourself, (But first, let’s put on a whole bunch of unnatural fibers and go sling drinks at a murder mystery.)

but since that’s so unusual, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Cyndi Lauper.)

they think there’s more to it.  (Oh, there’s ALWAYS more to it.  Because there’s never LESS to it, ya know?)

You are doing very well, (At WHAT, prithee?)

(Didn’t see that “prithee” coming, didja?)

balancing your emotions with the emotions of others, (In what universe would you possibly imagine that We care about “the emotions of others”…whatever those might be?)

and it is going to pay off in a big way, today. (And yet, We would do it for a dollar.  Go figger.)

By being in synch emotionally with the people around you (Especially being in the KITCHEN synch emotionally.),

 you are showing folks that you are someone who is enjoyable to work with (And even more enjoyable to PLAY with.  Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, know-what-We-mean, know-what-We-mean…)

(Where’d all those crickets come from?)

— that you are someone who can compromise and work with others toward a common goal. (And We are NOTHING if not common.)

 Focus on that flexibility today, and get ready for the give and take of negotiations.  (If We’re focused on flexibility, “negotiations” must be what The Kidz are calling it these days.)

Be ready to bite your tongue (How ‘bout We bite other people’s tongues?)

— or not. (Party pooper.)

You’re liable to blurt out how you really, truly, deeply feel, (Or how We truly madly deeply feel?)

 whether it’s angry, excited, lusty (Ang Lee for short.)


or who knows what. (We just said “What?”)

Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.  (Or maybe shut the hell up and let the grownups talk.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.