Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Fridee Frisée Frizz-Ease™ Febreeze™
Nope-We-Got-Nothin’, April 26, 2013.
Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Roxane, who turns twenty-four today
somewhere in Virginia. Happy Birthday
also to Raechal, who also turns twenty-four today, albeit in New Jersey. Also also, Happy Birthday to Christina, who
also also turns twenty-four today, but (surely you didn’t think We were gonna
give you a second “albeit”) in Massachusetts, which, Our InterNetz inform Us,
is neither in Virginia nor New Jersey.
(Nor, presumably, in Old Jersey, although they didn’t mention that
specifically.) And, last but not Lee Strasberg, Happy Birthday to Letta, who
turns twenty-four today, mercifully right here in The City Of Brotherly Love
Handles.
Whew! That there’s a whole lotta geography for a
geographically-challenged person like Our Own Self. And it ain’t over yet, because Happy Birthday
In Advance to Dena, who turns twenty-four tomorrow in MaryLand, which We believe
We have discussed at length in these e-pisstles before.
(Being
the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on
being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found
Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to. Here it is, and you’re welcome:
Maryland, We have just been informed by
Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon
being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said,
“Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?
Why not HenriettaMariaLand?” She made further remarks involving Queen
Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and
“HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any
attention to her.)
Did
it butter your butt that your second “albeit” was just a “but”, but not an “albeit”,
albeit not a “butt”, buttered or not?
What?
What
what chicken butt.
We
were about to embark upon a screed about how rude These Pesky Kids are on the InterNetz,
but then We realized that those who would most need to hear it weren’t paying
any attention, so We’ve spared you. Once
again, you’re welcome.
Speaking
of “apparently, str8 bois will NOT send you random pictures of their junk, even
if said pictures cannot possibly be traced back to them”, as you can see above,
We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the
Month Horoscope: Taurus video. Here is the
link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies,
enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history,
and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual
reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
It is Tom Welling’s birthday. Really, what else do you need to know? (Well, this just in…apparently, you also need
to know that it is Michael Damian’s birthday, as he just thanked Us on Twatter
for sharing Our Starzina’s Time of the
Month Horoscope: Taurus video.)
People
keep asking you if something’s wrong (Of COURSE something’s wrong…people keep
asking Us stupid questions!)
— which is part of the problem, actually! (See? Even
Kelli knows wuzzup…and We all know what an AssHat SHE is.)
You
just need some time to yourself, (But first, let’s put on a whole bunch of
unnatural fibers and go sling drinks at a murder mystery.)
but
since that’s so unusual, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Cyndi Lauper.)
they
think there’s more to it. (Oh, there’s
ALWAYS more to it. Because there’s never
LESS to it, ya know?)
You
are doing very well, (At WHAT, prithee?)
(Didn’t
see that “prithee” coming, didja?)
balancing
your emotions with the emotions of others, (In what universe would you possibly
imagine that We care about “the emotions of others”…whatever those might be?)
and
it is going to pay off in a big way, today. (And yet, We would do it for a
dollar. Go figger.)
By
being in synch emotionally with the people around you (Especially being in the
KITCHEN synch emotionally.),
you are showing folks that you are someone who
is enjoyable to work with (And even more enjoyable to PLAY with. Wink-wink, nudge-nudge, know-what-We-mean,
know-what-We-mean…)
(Where’d
all those crickets come from?)
—
that you are someone who can compromise and work with others toward a common
goal. (And We are NOTHING if not common.)
Focus on that flexibility today, and get ready
for the give and take of negotiations. (If
We’re focused on flexibility, “negotiations” must be what The Kidz are calling
it these days.)
Be
ready to bite your tongue (How ‘bout We bite other people’s tongues?)
—
or not. (Party pooper.)
You’re
liable to blurt out how you really, truly, deeply feel, (Or how We truly madly
deeply feel?)
whether it’s angry, excited, lusty (Ang Lee
for short.)
(What?)
or
who knows what. (We just said “What?”)
Maybe
it’s not such a bad thing. (Or maybe
shut the hell up and let the grownups talk.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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