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Tuesday, April 2, 2013

You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, April Twoth, 2013.

April Fools!

Speaking of copying and pasting,  here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums: 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get better than they are already, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Okay, it is Pattie Mallette’s birthday today.  And who, you might well ask, the fuck is Pattie Mallette?  She is Justin Bieber’s mother.  She is thirty-eight.  Please come and kill Us now.

Don’t worry about the odds (The evens’ll kill ya twice as fast.)

— you just need to make sure that you’re pushing toward success!  (Pushing what?)

You can overcome almost anything that’s thrown your way as long as you maintain a positive attitude.  (Does it count that We are positive that that’s a load of crap?)

The comfort of home, friends and family will help keep you feeling grounded during any troubling or uncertain times.  (This is the second day in a row she’s blathering on about Us being grounded.  We are a grown-ass woman, Bee-Yotch.  Who da fuq is gonna ground Us?)

(How many people read that sentence properly, with the emPHAsis on “grown-ass”?  It’s okay if you didn’t…We’ll weight right here till you go back.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?  You did?  Good…somebody explain it to Justin Bieber’s mother.)

 The people who care most about you (What people?  Where?)

always have a way of reminding you that the glass is half full, not half empty. (Which would seem optimistic, until you find out half full of WHAT.)

So if you’re feeling the need (For speed?)

for an influx of positive thinking right now, (Call Norman Vincent Fucking Peale.)

set aside some time to hunker down (Hunker down with Hüsker Dü.)

(Hot Topic is not punk rock.)


and just hang with the folks you care the most about.  May We hang well?  Are they well hung?  Inquiring minds want to know, Jacques Cousteau.)

The big wild world (Of Willy Wonka and Where’s Waldo?)

and all of its adventures (That should be “wonders”.  To advance the alliteration.  Asshole.)

can wait for another time.  (Well, that just fell flat, dinnit?)

Things have been more fizzle than sizzle (Fo’ shizzle mah nizzle.)

in the romance department  (Wait…there’s a department?  Do they have a Help Desk?)

lately, but fear not. (Who SAYS that?)

Love takes a turn for the better soon. (Right after it takes a U-turn for the perverse.  (How punk rock wuzZAT?))

Either a current relationship will deepen or a new connection will spark. (Thanks for narrowing that down.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.