Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMandingoMonday, April 8rd, 2013.
So, despite all of Our trepidations, We successfully murdered mysteriously twice this weekend, without poisoning anyone, dumping drinks over anyone’s head, or making (much of) a fool of Ourself. We know you were all waiting with bated breath to hear of this outcome, as We could tell by the hoards of you who showed up and/or wished Us to break a leg.
Who let all those crickets in here?
In other news, We have no other news.
Speaking of pulling Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer (that was from Thursday’s e-pissode, but We enjoyed it so ,much on re-reading that We thought We’d just leave it there. You’re welcome. ), here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
It’s Betty Ford’s birthday. We’ll drink to that.
Today’s issue is here to stay (We do not have issues. We have subscriptions.)
— or until you decide to do something about it! (Could we do something about the fact that fully half of the people on the WorldWideInterWebNetz who are maundering on about the death of Margaret Thatcher don’t have the vaguest idea who the fuck Margaret Thatcher even was?)
Make sure that you’re pushing yourself hard to ensure that things go the right way for you in the future. (We do try.)
If your recent dreams have been unclear, don’t waste any of your brain power freaking out about it. (On the other hand, if they have been nuclear, bombs away! (We had a dream the other night in which Ru Paul was asking Us to appear in some sort of promotional video, presumably for Drag Race. And We were REFUSING! Seriously, We were hollering at Ourself both in and outside of said dream.))
There is no need to solve every puzzle they present, because they are not literal warnings of what is about to happen in your life! (Okay, enough with the exclamation points, already.)
They are just pieces of your subconscious flying around in your brain, (Okay, why is Our subconscious in pieces? Who da fuq broke Our subconscious?)
bouncing into each other. (So now Our brain is a big ol’ bouncy castle, eh? This is your brain…this is your brain on Chuck E. Cheez™. Any questions?)
If you want to look for insight on how to handle tough issues, then turn away from dreams and toward your friends. (Why? Do they have better dreams than We do?)
They have advice you need to hear. (Sorry…what?)
(Heh. See what We…oh, never mind.)
Make some plans this morning (Let’s invade Poland!)
— you’ve got the knack for finding fun things to do and bringing together great people. (See, We mostly prefer great people one at a time.)
By this afternoon, you need to be low-key when it comes to your love life. (So, wait….there’s a lower key than “dead”?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.