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Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Livin’ la vida loca

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  WinesDay, April Turd, Twenty-Turdteen.  Happy birthday to Erin, who turns twenty-four today.

We started writing today’s e-pissode in the middle, with the Ricky Martin piece, because it wasn’t grabby enough to be the lead, but yet it sprang forth fully formed from Our fevered brain, kind of like Athena out of Zeus’s forehead.  For those of you who are into Greek.

So if this all seems just a little more disjointed (double-jointed?  (did somebody say “joint”? (does “double-jointed” mean there are TWO joints?))) than usual, that could be why.  (Or it could just be Our senility.)

You may notice that, subsequent to Our writing the Ricky Martin piece, We were unable to find anything else grabby enough to be the lead, either.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad. (Resistance is futile, people.  We are going to keep saying that until We make it a saying.  Like “fetch”.)

Today’s Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Pixture Du Jour Au Jus (Gesundheit) comes to Us courtesy of The Lovely And Talented AstroGeek, to whom you should all pay a visit.  We’ll wait right here till you get back.

Here, meanwhile, from The Don’t Say We Never Gave You Nothing Department, for those of Our Gentle Readers who are of a more viZZZual persuasion, are the twelve signs of the zodiac represented by animated gifs.  We Our Own Self Personally are particularly enamored of Capricorn.  (It is Safe For Work.):

You’re welcome.

In other news, We will be making meatballs today.  Because the Ack-A-Me had a sale,  and We are an old Italian grandmother.  It is Our goal to be able to create an impromptu dinner of spaghetti, meatballs, and gravy at a moment’s notice, should the Italian Olympic Men’s Swim Team drop by unexpectedly for carbo loading.

(Is it just Us, or is “Carbo Loading” a great name for a fat drag queen?   Just Us? Alrighty then.)

So meanwhile, Ricky Martin wants Us all to know that he used to drink five cups of coffee a day, and now only drinks two.  This is why We have a Twatter account:  to keep Us aware that it is every bit as boring to be Ricky Martin as it is to be Us.  Of course, Ricky Martin can still look in the mirror and see Ricky Martin, while We look in the mirror and see…whatever this is.  So there’s that.

(That was the Ricky Martin piece We were talking about earlier.  Just in case you dozed off.)

Speaking of Ricky Martin jerking off while looking at himself in the mirror,  here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

Well, how silly are We!  (Don’t answer that.)  We made reference earlier to a video being Safe For Work, but who on earth would be in the office on Wayne Newton’s birthday?

Keep on moving forward!   (Also, keep on keeping on!  Also also, keep on truckin’!  Or fuckin’.  One of those.)

It’s one of those days (Innit though?)

that’s easy to write off if you feel lazy or depressed, (The sun is shining, and We are not feeling depressed.  We are also not feeling lazy…as We mentioned earlier, later on, We shall be rolling Our meat into balls.)


 but you should be able to find a spark within yourself that keeps you on track and energized.  (“On CRACK and energized” would be a much more phitting phrase, no?)

 People will be giving you some wonderful feedback today (Keep your fuckin’ static to yourselves, people.)

 — but will you be able to set your ego aside long enough to listen to it without getting defensive?  (Probably.  We are generally too busy being offensive to be defensive.)

 What they’re going to tell you comes from a genuine, compassionate place (Madagascar?)

— they’re not just trying to find flaws to pick on!  (Flaws? FLAWS?!?  Just because We look in Our mirror and don’t see Ricky Martin…)

(Parenthetically (hence the brand new set of parentheses), We just looked in Our mirror and saw Martin Landau’s ass.  Unfortunately for Us, We were looking at Our face at the time.)

They have faith in you, (Good.  If We’re a religion, We don’t have to pay any taxes.  Also, We get hot and cold running wine, and all the altar boys We can molest.)

which is why they think you can do better.  (Now watch Us fool them by doing worse!)

You are capable of amazing things and they know it! (We are a veritable Amazing Grace Slick.)

(We have no idea what that meant.)

The worst mistake you can make today is to limit yourself.  (We hate to quibble with such a dire prediction, but wouldn’t it be just slightly worse to use Drano™ instead of Cremora™?)

Take command of your romantic possibilities and you’ll find (That you’re in charge of absolutely nothing?)

that even the wildest schemes have a way of falling into place.  (If they fall into place, they really aren’t all that wild, are they?  Well, ARE THEY?)

Taking off to Tahiti to meet the love of your life on a whim?  (We are thinking that, if We were (subjunctively) going to Tahiti, We’d go on a plane, but whatevs.)

Absolutely not a problem! (There are so many problems in that sentence, it’s a problem to try to list them all.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.