Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThirstyThirstay, April Elebbenf, Twenty-Thirsteen. Happy Birthday to Nick, who turns twenty-four today. At Drexel. But that’s okay, as he is an instructor. Most of the instructors there are twenty-four. At least. A twenty-four-year-old student would be, on the other hand, either a graduate student, or what they refer to as an “alternative student”. Or just really, really slow.
Having just thus discoursed on higher edumacation without once resorting to the word “tard”, We are tempted to just call today a win and be done with it. We shall, naturally, soldier on, but not before We congratulate Ourself from refraining to share today’s meme video in which the baby penguin is tickled.
Also, intercourse the penguin.
We shall also refrain from discussing the weather. Also, We would mention the fact that We broke Our glass unicorn yesterday, but clearly if We were (subjunctively) cast in The Glass Menagerie, We would be playing Amanda, not Laura, so why bother?
We are so cultured, and literary, and classy, We could just scream.
Speaking of penguin fucking, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
A whole bunch of C- and D-list celebrities were born today. Apparently, if We want cake, We’re gonna have to bake it Our Own Self.
You feel quite agreeable today (No We don’t.)
(Seriously…is there ANYONE here who didn’t see that coming? (Don’t MAKE Us use the “tard” word.))
— so much so that you might just charm (Always after me fucking charms…they’re spastically meretricious.)
your way into a new romance (Or at least a BAD romance.)
(Kiss Us quick, We’re Lady Gaga. (If Honey Boo Boo married Lady Gaga, she’d be Honey Boo Boo Gaga. (What? You’d rather We shared the fucking penguin video? (How many people are now picturing a porno starring Burgess Meredith? We’re sorry.))))
or a new job! (We already HAVE a new job! We wear a lot of polyester and try not to spill drinks on people. You should come watch. It’s fun.)
Your energy is a bit low-key, (How kind.)
which is perfect for this mission. (Should you decide to accept it. As always, should you or any of your IM Force be caught or killed, The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This horoscope will self-destruct in five seconds.)
The future is always in motion, (As is the backfield.)
(Do We even need to point out that We have no idea what that MEANS, but it’s an old song lyric.)
so don’t stress (DON’T TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!!)
if you can’t quite make out your goal right now. (Why, it seems like just yesterday that We were playing rugby. (Are there goals in rugby? We certainly hope so…it’s difficult to play a game without goals.))
Simply deal with events as they come along, (Some day he’ll come along, the man I love, and his dick will be long, the man I love…)
(Sorry. Just a little musical interlude.)
and try not to control or predict the future too stringently. (All things considered, it’s so much simpler to predict the past.)
After all, life has many wonderful surprises to offer, (Earthquakes, herpes, the Spanish Inquisition…)
but the trick is to be in a receptive state so you can appreciate those surprises. (SURPRISE!!!)
For now, put the past behind you (Have you SEEN Our behind? There’s no room for anything else back there.)
and focus on the present. (Who got Us a present? You shouldn’t have! (We only said that to be polite…of course you should have. We are, after all, Us.))
The future will be here before you know it. (It tends to follow the present with alarming regularity.)
You may want to move forward with this low-key (Again with the “low-key”?)
relationship, but you don’t know what to say. (That will not, of course, stop Us from talking.)
Don’t force the issue (Also, don’t fight da funk.)
— your energy and honesty can get you through this. (Our what and Our what now?)
You should come out smiling. (Honey, that ship has sailed.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.