Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, April 17, 2013. Happy birthday to Posh Spice, who turns twenty-four today. Poshly, presumably. Not that she cares about Our birthday wishes, when David Beckham is probably banging her like an old screen door. Also, Happy Birthday to Olivia Hussey, who also turns twenty-four today, and whose name We like. You may recall her starring, all those years ago, in a fillum of Romeo and Juliet, opposite Leonard Whiting’s ass. Also also, Happy Birthday to Chuck Biscuits, who also also turns twenty-four today, because, mmmm….biscuits.
It is someone else’s birthday today also, but We cannot for the life of Us remember whose…although We will tell you that it is disconcerting when Google™ changes its logo for One. It’s a nice IDEA, of course, but just a little too Big Brother for Our tastes…after all, We were just earlier Googling “Leonard Whiting’s ass”.
Speaking of uppity technology, Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that “poshly” is not a word. We would make a “Posh Spice’s cooter” joke, but that sounds too much like work.
Apropos of absolutely nothing, Ian Ziering is going to be dancing with the Chippendales. Party with that thought.
Speaking of “Is that a Pabst™ Blue Ribbon in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?”, here is the link with which you will share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosy Starfish, for comparison:
Your family is in charge today (The hell you say.)
— so make sure that you’re listening! (Sorry…did you say something?)
They may just want you around to keep them company, but there could be bigger business afoot. (Was that a fat joke? Or afoot joke? Is there such a thing as an afoot joke? Can there be a fat afoot joke? Or is it an afoot fat joke?)
(Comedy is hard.)
You can help them in a big way! (See? It WAS a fat joke.)
Playing games with someone can be fun sometimes, but it can also be frustrating. (Ya know what’s frustrating? Stuffing a dollar in Ian Ziering’s G-string, and waiting for change.)
(Lest you think We are making up this Ian Ziering story:
So if you’ve been engaged in a tedious game of phone tag for far too long, today you need to try to put an end to it. (Oh, sure. Like it’s so easy to just stop. You’re talking to the person who finally just got quit of a Hundred-Years-War length game of Duck-Duck-Goose. (Which came on the heels (kinky, no?) of a never-ending mumblety-peg match.) “Try to put an end to it”, indeed.)
(Meanwhile, what the fuck is mumblety-peg? Lettuce Google on Wikipedia, shall We?)
(Well, that’s just stupid.)
Make it clear that you aren’t interested in communicating in any way other than face to face right now. (We will pretty much take what We can get.)
It might mean that you won’t be communicating with someone for a long while, but at least when you do it will be a useful and pleasant experience for both of you. (Oh, well, then. As long as it’s “useful” and “pleasant”. Also, Shut. Up. Kelli.)
A short message that’s funny and smart is much more intriguing than a lengthy exposition, (Fuck you, and the whore you rode in on.)
and it’s less investment of time and energy. (Nothing dentured, nothing caned.)
(What does that even MEAN?)
Go short and sweet when checking new people out. (Sure. Because new people just LOVE midgets who Jell-O™ wrestle. AssHat.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.