Hello, Ducks!
Starzina
Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, April Sally Forth
With, Four Score And Seven Years Ago Our Forefathers Won Fords On Wheel Of
Fortune…
Sorry.
We’re
just a bit excited here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! today, as it is the occasion
of Our 750th post in Bloggonia!
Our Diamond Anniversary, if you will.
Or even if you won’t. (No,
seriously…send Us diamonds, dammit. A
kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but Carol Channing is older than
God.)
Dearest
People on SitOnOurFaceBook: do We REALLY
strike you as someone who plays Farmville?
Seriously?
And,
while We’re on the subject of non sequiturs, here is a commercial entitled “Paper Isn’t Dead”, or whatever the
Frawnch equivalent would be. It is Safe
For Work: http://vimeo.com/61275290
Can
One actually be “on the subject of” non sequiturs? Or is that an oxymoron?
Do
you find that, as you get older, you have trouble deciding whether you’re being
an oxymoron, or just a regular moron? Or
is that just Us? Just Us? Alrighty, then.
Moving
right along, Gentle Readers who gently read yesterday’s e-pisstle (instead of
nakedly skimming it…Lex!) will be shrilled and ignited to know that We did, in
fact, make meatballs, as We intended.
So, if you should some day soon drop by, and We decide that an impromptu
meal is in order, We can just pull Our balls out of the freezer…
What? Oh, you’re wondering how One knows that a
meal is impromptu, instead of oxymoronic.
Talk about non sequiturs…
We
just wandered off and watched the trailer for the remake of The Great Gatsby with Leonardo
DiCaprio. Do you get the feeling this
poor man has no sense of humor? Leo,
honey, lighten up. Go do a Police Academy reboot with Seth Rogen
and Jonah Hill. Jeebus.
Speaking
of pulling Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer, (oh, sure, you’re paying attention now that
they’re Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls. (of
course, he is Italian.)) here is the
link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends,
enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history,
and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother,
Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
And now, in case you thought things couldn’t
get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:
It is Nancy McKeon’s birthday. She was, of course, the lesbian on The Facts of Life. Well, ONE of the lesbians.
You need to make big plans today (Well, We
have big plans for the weekend….does that count?)
(More on that story as it develops. (Heh.
We said “moron” again.))
(How stupid wuzZAT?)
— things are going your way still, (Kiss Us
quick, We’re Bing Crosby.)
(Did We just make a Bing Crosby joke? How old a woman would you say We were?)
but if you don’t capitalize on this momentum,
(Shouldn’t that be “if you don’t capitalize on This Momentum”?)
(We kill Us.)
you
are sure to fall behind in the long run. (Honey, Our behind does NOT run.)
Think it all through! (But that will give Us a sick headache,
Abner.)
(Why does Micro$oft Weird™ not recognize “Abner”
as a word? Haven’t they ever heard of
Abner Doubleday? He invented pulling
Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer.
In the bottom of the ninth. (We
have no idea what that last part meant, but somehow it juts sounded right
there.))
(Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants
To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), it occurred to Us to wonder what would
be retrieved if One were to Google “Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls” on
Wikipedia. The answer? Not much.
Only about fifty hits, mostly using the phrase “busting Leonardo
DiCaprio’s balls”. If One clicks on the “Images”
tab, only two of the resulting images even actually contain Leonardo DiCaprio,
and none of them contain balls.)
(Sigh.
The WorldWideInterWebNetz have severely disappointed Us. Again.)
If you stop and think about it today, (What exactly is “it”?)
you’ll
realize that the greatest battles of your life have been battles of will. (Second
only to battles of won’t.)
So if you encounter conflict today, keep that
in mind. (“it”, “that”…does anything
around here have a fucking antecedent?)
If you
can focus your brainpower on achieving one goal today, (And that is one
big-ass, honking “If”.)
there is nothing and no one that can stop
you. (Nothing AND no one would be two things, yes? Does anyone else see an inherent
contradiction here? If a Zen Buddhist
falls down in a forest in Shanghai, will a stripper dressed as a butterfly in
Cleveland shoot ping pong balls out her cooter?)
(Ooops….We just woke up the naked skimmers. Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)
Do not accept compromise just for the sake of
keeping the peace. (Hell no…make ‘em
throw in the peace PIPE as well.)
Move
forward with your ideas. (We had an idea once.
It died of loneliness.)
If you display all the confidence you feel,
you won’t ruffle any feathers — you will inspire people. (How many people are still stuck on the
stripper dressed as a butterfly?)
Don’t just ask ‘So, what do you do?’ (Certainly not. That’ll never get you anywhere. Ask instead, “Do you suck, fuck, swallow, and
take it up the ass, or am I wasting my time on a Jesus freak?”)
(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)
Instead, go for something far more revealing.
(We already had a stripper shoot ping pong balls out her cooter…what the hell
else do ya wanna see?)
You could meet people who share your point of
view in some really amazing ways now — but you’ve got to ask all the right
questions. (See above.)
In gaseousness,
Starzina Starfish-Browne
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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