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Thursday, April 4, 2013

Young girl, they call them the diamond dogs

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  ThurstonHowellTheThirdsDay, April Sally Forth With, Four Score And Seven Years Ago Our Forefathers Won Fords On Wheel Of Fortune…


We’re just a bit excited here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! today, as it is the occasion of Our 750th post in Bloggonia!  Our Diamond Anniversary, if you will.  Or even if you won’t.  (No, seriously…send Us diamonds, dammit.  A kiss on the hand may be quite continental, but Carol Channing is older than God.)

Dearest People on SitOnOurFaceBook:  do We REALLY strike you as someone who plays Farmville?  Seriously?

And, while We’re on the subject of non sequiturs, here is a commercial entitled “Paper Isn’t Dead”, or whatever the Frawnch equivalent would be.  It is Safe For Work:

Can One actually be “on the subject of” non sequiturs?  Or is that an oxymoron?

Do you find that, as you get older, you have trouble deciding whether you’re being an oxymoron, or just a regular moron?  Or is that just Us?  Just Us?  Alrighty, then.

Moving right along, Gentle Readers who gently read yesterday’s e-pisstle (instead of nakedly skimming it…Lex!) will be shrilled and ignited to know that We did, in fact, make meatballs, as We intended.  So, if you should some day soon drop by, and We decide that an impromptu meal is in order, We can just pull Our balls out of the freezer…

What?  Oh, you’re wondering how One knows that a meal is impromptu, instead of oxymoronic.  Talk about non sequiturs…

We just wandered off and watched the trailer for the remake of The Great Gatsby with Leonardo DiCaprio.  Do you get the feeling this poor man has no sense of humor?  Leo, honey, lighten up.  Go do a Police Academy reboot with Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill.  Jeebus.

Speaking of pulling Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer,  (oh, sure, you’re paying attention now that they’re Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls.  (of course, he is Italian.))  here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums: 

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

It is Nancy McKeon’s birthday.  She was, of course, the lesbian on The Facts of Life.  Well, ONE of the lesbians.

You need to make big plans today (Well, We have big plans for the weekend….does that count?)

(More on that story as it develops.  (Heh.  We said “moron” again.))

(How stupid wuzZAT?)

— things are going your way still, (Kiss Us quick, We’re Bing Crosby.)

(Did We just make a Bing Crosby joke?  How old a woman would you say We were?)

but if you don’t capitalize on this momentum, (Shouldn’t that be “if you don’t capitalize on This Momentum”?)

(We kill Us.)

 you are sure to fall behind in the long run. (Honey, Our behind does NOT run.)

Think it all through!  (But that will give Us a sick headache, Abner.)

(Why does Micro$oft Weird™ not recognize “Abner” as a word?  Haven’t they ever heard of Abner Doubleday?  He invented pulling Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls out of the freezer.  In the bottom of the ninth.  (We have no idea what that last part meant, but somehow it juts sounded right there.))

(Because We are An Inquiring Mind Who Wants To Know (no, really…who wants to know?), it occurred to Us to wonder what would be retrieved if One were to Google “Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls” on Wikipedia.  The answer?  Not much.  Only about fifty hits, mostly using the phrase “busting Leonardo DiCaprio’s balls”.  If One clicks on the “Images” tab, only two of the resulting images even actually contain Leonardo DiCaprio, and none of them contain balls.)

(Sigh.  The WorldWideInterWebNetz have severely disappointed Us.  Again.)

If you stop and think about it today,  (What exactly is “it”?)

 you’ll realize that the greatest battles of your life have been battles of will. (Second only to battles of won’t.)

So if you encounter conflict today, keep that in mind.  (“it”, “that”…does anything around here have a fucking antecedent?)

 If you can focus your brainpower on achieving one goal today, (And that is one big-ass, honking “If”.)

there is nothing and no one that can stop you. (Nothing AND no one would be two things, yes?  Does anyone else see an inherent contradiction here?  If a Zen Buddhist falls down in a forest in Shanghai, will a stripper dressed as a butterfly in Cleveland shoot ping pong balls out her cooter?)

(Ooops….We just woke up the naked skimmers.  Too bad, so sad, anal sex with your dad.)

Do not accept compromise just for the sake of keeping the peace.  (Hell no…make ‘em throw in the peace PIPE as well.)

 Move forward with your ideas. (We had an idea once.  It died of loneliness.)

If you display all the confidence you feel, you won’t ruffle any feathers — you will inspire people.  (How many people are still stuck on the stripper dressed as a butterfly?)

Don’t just ask ‘So, what do you do?’  (Certainly not.  That’ll never get you anywhere.  Ask instead, “Do you suck, fuck, swallow, and take it up the ass, or am I wasting my time on a Jesus freak?”)

(Didn’t see THAT coming, didja?)

Instead, go for something far more revealing. (We already had a stripper shoot ping pong balls out her cooter…what the hell else do ya wanna see?)

You could meet people who share your point of view in some really amazing ways now — but you’ve got to ask all the right questions.  (See above.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.