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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Plucked her eyebrows on the way, shaved her legs and then he was a she

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, April Turdieth, Twenny-Turdteen.  Happy Birthday to Francisco, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back.  Also, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Billy, who does NOT turn twenty-four today.  In MaryLand.  And, since We seem to be on a roll (Kaiser? Crescent?) with Our previous geographical dissertation on MaryLand, We reproduce it here again for your edification and literary enjoyment:

(Being the sort of full-service Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! that We pride Ourself on being, We rooted through the archives a la a pig rooting for truffles and found Our prior discourse on MaryLand so YouPeople didn’t have to.   Here it is, and you’re welcome:

Maryland, We have just been informed by Wikipedia, was named after somebody called Queen Henrietta Maria, who, upon being informed of said naming, is reported (possibly spuriously) to have said, “Yo, bitches…my name is Henrietta Maria…wuzzup wit’ dis “Mary Land” shit?  Why not HenriettaMariaLand?”  She made further remarks involving Queen Latifah and Finland, but, as Queen Latifah had not been born yet, and “HenriettaMariaLand” would never fit on a license plate, no one paid any attention to her.)

In other news, the Tony nominations were announced.  Former As the World Turns star Billy Magnussen was nominated for one.  You have no idea who he is, you say?  Check out about a kabillion pictures of him here: Said pictures are NOT safe for work.  Billy gave an interview recently where he talked about how “creative viZZZualization” had contributed to his success.  Yeah, right.  Because looking like that had nothing to do with it.  We’d gaze at Our navel, too, if it were (subjunctively) all up in the middle of abs like that.  Jeebus.

Speaking of “they say the Visible-Penis-Lines are bright on Broadway” (Kiss Us quick, We’re George Benson.  With Robby Benson as The Beaver.), as you can see above (heh), We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Taurus video.  Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:

And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:

In celebrity birthdays, if Eve Arden were (subjunctively) still alive, she would be a hundred and five today.  But she’s dead.  So she’s not.

You need to take advantage of today’s big opportunity (Well, you know what they say:  big opportunities, big knockers.)

— even if you’re not the one who sees it first. (And what exactly would you have Us do to the person who DID see it first, and who, therefore, assumes it to be THEIR Opportunity With The Big Knockers?)

 Sometimes you’ve got to elbow folks out of the way when you know you’re more deserving!  (And sometimes you’ve got to knee ‘em.  It’s like the commercial says:  sometimes you kick in the nuts, sometimes you don’t.)

Do you think you’re in need of some inspiration in your job or schoolwork?   (“Schoolwork”?  Seriously?)

If your brain just doesn’t seem to be able to concentrate on one thing for more than five minutes,  (Sorry…did you see something?)

(In addition to Seeing What We Just Did There, Helen Keller just fell down.  On Forest Whitaker.  There was sound.)

you don’t need inspiration — you need a vacation.  (Sing it, Sistah!)

You need to slow down.   (Any slower and We’d be going backwards.  Which might have the benefit of confusing people.)

You need to take a walk, (On the wild side?  Can there still be colored girls?  Will they go, “Doo do do, do do, do do do do”?)

put things into perspective, (Please, Escher, don’t hurt ‘em.)

and get a reality check (Check please!)

about your place in the world. (We try to ask for what We want.  We still don’t get it.  Sigh.)

Trying so hard to keep busy could be a coping device — are you trying to avoid dealing with something?  (There are way too many words in that sentence.  Here is what it sounded like to Us: “Are you too busy coping with trying to avoid dealing with coping with something you’re too busy to deal with coping with that Jack built?”  Shut. Up. Kelli.)

Face up to it and move on.  (Alternatively, kick it in the nuts.  Oh, and move on.)

Your unique personality is gaining you notice from a certain cutie. (Despite all evidence to the contrary?)

After all, your essential self is so very attractive!  (Indeed.  On the inside, We look exactly like Billy Magnussen.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.