Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, May 1th, 2013. Happy Hump Day, Happy May Day, and Happy Beltane. We just now heard of that last one…whatever bloats your goat.
We have a totally tedious day ahead. We are doing a focus group which does not start until 8 o’clock. And We cannot for the life of Us remember what We are supposed to be focused on. But We’re pretty sure it’s boring. Although there are probably plenty of hookers who aren’t making what We’re going to be paid for Our time. And, prostitution not being a career option for Us (as We are not even able to give it away), selling Our opinion would seem to be the next best thing. Lord knows, We have an unlimited supply of them. Unlike, say, doilies. Which We would have to tat. Which would entail learning to tat. Which, presumably, would require tatting lessons. Hopefully from a master tatter. Tat, tat, tat…tat, tat, tat…tat your doily, tat your doily…
There. Having read that paragraph, you should now be approximately as bored as We will be at 8 o’clock this evening. Our work here is done. (You DID realize that “Tat, tat, tat…tat, tat, tat…tat your doily, tat your doily…” was meant to be sung to the tune of “Shake Your Booty”, didn’t you? Because, if you didn’t, We can wait here while you go back…)
Speaking of prostitution, booty shaking, and the like, it has just come (heh) to Our attention that May is National Masturbation Month. So ponder on THAT as you gambol about the May pole.
Not only do We have this ridiculous evening focus group scheduled, We are also up at the veritable crack of ass this morning (as you may note from the early arrival of this e-pisstle (unless We get distracted by bright shiny InterNetz (We have already worked about half of a cryptic crossword puzzle))). Sigh. It ain’t easy being Us.
Attention, SitOnOurFaceBook friends: We? Do not play Farmville. Are you fucking retarded? How many fucking requests to shove a fucking rutabaga up your fucking stupid assholes do We fucking have to ignore before you fucking GET that We? Do. Not. Play. Farmville. Jeebus.
Well. We feel much better now. We love the smell of fucking rutabaga assfuckers in the morning. (That there is a fillum quote. From Asspocalypse Now.)
Speaking of people with tuberous vegetables in their rectum (rectum? We nearly KILLED ‘em! (Why is this new paragraph making Us think of Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in that new Liberace movie?)), as you can see above, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Taurus video. Here is the link with which you will share it with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Taurus video for comparison:
And now (changing, for some artifactual reason, to birthday-cake-icing-baby-blue), here are the HorrorScopes:
Sweetie DARLINGS! It is Joanna Lumley’s birthday! Stoli, Sweetie Darlings!
You’ve got some concerns about how other people see you (Especially blind people.)
— and they may not be entirely without merit! (They are probably, however, entirely without merit BADGES, as We cannot imagine that they are Boy Scouts.)
Don’t get paranoid, though. (It is not paranoia if they really ARE all out to get you.)
You just need to tweak your public persona a bit. (Alternatively, twerk your pubic persona. Au gratin.)
Someone who claims to be an expert in something actually doesn’t know what the heck they are talking about. (Do amateur prostitutes not get paid?)
(Oh, and Kelli? “Heck”? Seriously? Who SAYS that?)
But is it up to you to set them straight? (Honey, if WE are in charge of straightening things, there’re gonna be issues.)
Not if it could make you look bad. (Wait…We could look WORSE?!?)
Your reputation should be your top concern today, which means that you might need to do things you would not normally do, or avoid doing things you think you should do. (Wow…so glad you cleared THAT right up.)
So just let all of the chips fall where they may, (Mmmmmm….chips.)
and avoid getting your hands dirty in the process. (That would seem to depend on where these free-falling chips actually fell, no?)
You wanna be startin’ something? (Yes. We “wanna” be quoting a thirty-year-old song lyric as though that somehow makes Us hep to the jive. AssHat.)
The stars say it’s a great time to get romantic ventures off the ground. (We’ll take Paul Lynde to block.)
Early on, focus (Please don’t say “focus”.)
on one potential cutie. (Is it just Us, or is it impossible to see the word “cutie” without thinking “patootie”?)
Later in the evening your attentions are better off in a large group. (Well, We may be in a large group, but We can’t promise We’ll be paying attention.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.