Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! For GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?, May 28nd, 2013. It has come to Our attention that some Gentle Readers may be flummoxed by Our “Tuesday’s child is Jacques Cousteau” verse of late. Here is a helpful hint: begin singing at “GoodPieRupeeTuesday”, then continue singing throughout. You will be amazed, astonished, agog, and aghast. You’re welcome.
We certainly had a whiz-bang whirlwind of a Walla Walla Washington weekend, and We trust you did the same. We murdered people (well, actually, We were present when people were murdered, but We Our Own Self Personally didn’t actually murder anyone (the murderer is chosen by popular vote, and since when were We ever popular?)), We made meatballs, and We carted off free books from a used bookstore that was closing. Also, We unearthed an old script that We wrote several years back, which had been eluding Us with a cunning ordinarily only displayed by non-inanimate objects.
Speaking of the weekend, Happy Belated Birthday to Dave, who turned twenty-four this past weekend. Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Dave, who also turned twenty-four this past weekend. (Both Daves being named “Dave”, We could have just said that once. But that would be cheating, and is certainly not the kind of Highly-Trained-Professional Ass(tromalogical) Ho(roscopulist) that We ass-pire to be around here.) Happy Belated Birthday as well to Frank, who turned twenty-four this past weekend as well. Also as well too, Happy Belated Birthday to Harley, who turned twenty-four this weekend also. As well. Too. (This would be Harley-who-is-a-real-person, as opposed to Harley, the character in the murder mystery. Art isn’t easy. (Art who?)) Additionally, Happy Belated Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Deb, who turned twenty-four this past weekend additionally, as well as to Nathan, who turned twenty-four this past weekend. As well.
Meanwhile, “ass-pire”? We kill Us. We are pixturing the ass-pirations of an ass-piring ass-pirer even as We speak. Or perhaps “ass-pire” is a noun, akin to “empire”. (Previously on Boardwalk Ass-pire…)
Of course, it would not be a weekend in Our life if someone weren’t pooping in Our punchbowl, and indeed they were. Not only are We headed for a major disappointment, but We get to be disrespected along the way. Because, apparently, We never learn. Yay, Us.
But enough of that negatory talk (despite the fact that Micro$oft Weird™ would have Us believe that there is no such word as “yay”. What the hell is up with that? (Micro$oft Weird™ also tried to autocorrect “negatory” to “nugatory”. What the fuck is “nugatory”? We tried to look it up, but Our efforts were nugatory. (See what We did there?))), it is Sicily Yoder’s birthday! Shirley you all remember Sicily Yoder’s birthday from last year’s celebrations? Just in case you don’t, here is a little memory refresher to freshen up your memory in case your memory has that “not-so-fresh” feeling:
We just went looking up famous people having birthdays today, lest We deprive you of any essential information to share over your barbecued weenies later on. We found a site that had thirteen famous folks with birthdays today listed, among them singers Gladys Knight and Kylie Minogue, James Bond author Ian Fleming, sports legend Jim Thorpe, and former NooJork Mayor Rudy Giuliani. And, right there amidst these other luminaries? Editor of The Amish Garden News, Sicily Yoder.
So stick a candle in your shoofly pie, boyz and gurrlllzzz. (Is it just Us, or would “stick a candle in your shoofly pie” make a helluva euphemism? (Also an Elton John song. (Although they’d’ve probably frowned on it at Princess Di’s funeral.)))
Gawd bless the WorldWideInterWebNetz.
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
For those who enjoy history, here is Our Gemini 2011 video, which was Our very first one:
Apropos of ABsolutely nussing, here’s a little song that’s been stuck in Our head:
Nice gherkin if you pet it,
And if you pet it, it will cry
Also, get your tickets NOW for the WaitStaff’s upcoming Spring Into Summer Match Game, this Friday and Saturday, May 31 and June 1, at 7:30 at L’Etage. More info here: https://www.facebook.com/events/422346354528494/ We are foregoing Our murder mystery paycheck for this, so (A.) come see it now because (2.) that won’t be happening again anytime soon.
And now the HorrorScopes:
It’s way too easy for you to spin out of control today (Good thing We don’t go to spin class, eh? Although We might go if it were (subjunctively) called “Spin Out Of Control Class”. (Oh, who are We kidding? We would not.))
— maybe even losing your temper if things get really weird! (Wait…weirder that they are already?)
Try not to get too excited about the news of the day, (We’ll do Our best.)
as no one has all the facts yet. (Mrs. Garrett has them. And she’s told some of them to Blair, and some of them to Jo, and some of them to Natalie. She’s keeping Tootie in the dark, though.)
(On CBS tonight: The Amazing Racist…)
Today, you need to tidy up your free time! (Not to mention, tidy up your point of view. (You’ll get a new attitude.))
Your extra hours are spaced out here and there throughout the day. (That sounds very confusing. Like Daylight Saving Time on acid.)
But if you take a few minutes to rearrange them, (But wait…do We take these few minutes out of the extra hours, or out of the hours that We already had? (This is the time-space continuum. This is the time-space continuum on drugs. Any questions?))
you’ll be able to get yourself a nice big chunk of hours that you can fill up with a great big dose of fun that you’ve been craving! (Okay, “chunk of hours”? “Dose of fun”? Seriously?)
Try to avoid canceling out on too many people, though. (Oh, indeed. We wouldn’t want to interrupt them cancelling out on Us.)
If you flake out on your social plans at the last minute, (We just attempted to research the origins of the phrase “to flake out”. It wasn’t very interesting, and We’re sorry We mentioned it.)
you could do a lot of harm to your hard-won reputation. (A hard-won reputation and a hard-on reputation are two different things. Discuss.)
What you expect and want from love turns out to be very different from what you need. (Especially since, when Kelli says “love” to Us, she Always means it in the tennis sense.)
(Heh. A sports joke. That never happens. There should be a drinking game. (Tennis is a sport, right?))
This new, mature you (The fat jokes weren’t enough? Now We get old jokes?)
is ready to deal with what a relationship really is. (It doesn’t have to be real; imaginary is fine. Hell, it’s already inflatable.)
You disdain illusions and crave reality. (True dat. We are a big ol’ disdainer from way back. (Disdain in Spain spays males in Lake Champlain.))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.