Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 17, 2013. So Nelly Furtado is still alive…who knew?
Meanwhile, the alleged “middle schoolers” who were supposed to be attending last night’s murder mystery turned out to be high school seniors, which meant that We didn’t have to take out any of the smutty parts. It also led Us to lament Our lack of ability to set people on fire with Our thoughts.
In other news, thanks to Dena, who pointed out that the name of the movie starring Debbie Reynolds and Albert Brooks, which was recently remade as The Guilt Trip with Seth Rogen and Barbra Streisand, was Mother.
We just got distracted by bright, shiny InterNetz for the better part of an hour. Clearly, We got plenty o’ nothin’, and nothin’s plenty for We. (Did We mention that Nelly Furtado is still alive?)
Speaking of nuttin’, honey:
And now the HorrorScopes:
Wow. Speaking of “We got nothin’”, there aren’t even any fun celebrity birthdays today to help Us out. Unless, of course, you count the Ayatollah Khomeini, who was, as We recall, a laff riot.
(The Ayatollah Khomeini has, meanwhile, been dead since 1989, and yet Micro$oft Weird™ still recognizes both “Ayatollah” and “Khomeini” as correctly spelled words. “Furtado”? Not so much. Sorry, Nelly.)
(Also, “Ayatollah” is a title, isn’t it? Does anyone remember Ayatollah Khomeini’s actual first name? Ayatollah Alphonse Khoemini…Ayatollah Ringo Khomeini… Ayatollah R. J. “Knuckles” Khomeini…)
(Turns out, We had a little somethin’ after all.)
Courtesy of Heather, meanwhile, We have discovered that We shall be spending Our twilight years starring in the Americanized version of this BBC sitcom:
Life’s an adventure for you today (No doubt The Poseidon Adventure.)
— and for those lucky enough to get to hang out with you! (If they’re hanging with Us, We hope they’re well-hung.)
See if your people can handle the pace as you run them through your exciting new schemes! (Maybe Ricky will finally let Us be in the new show down at the club.)
You’ve got the strong energy required to take the initiative and start a new adventure! (There’s that word again. Kiss Us quick, We’re Shelley Winters.)
Peel back the layers of what intrigues you in life, (Just how many pairs of underwear is Johnny Depp wearing, anyway?)
and you will discover at least one new opportunity for exploration. (Ordinarily, We would make a joke here about opportunity’s knockers. However, having just mentally explored Johnny Depp’s underwear, knockers are the furthest thing from what passes for Our mind.)
Learn more about one of your hobbies or interests — it’s time to become more expert at what you love to do. (Just because We haven’t done it in a while doesn’t mean We’ve forgotten how.)
Knitting scarves is nice, but why not try a whole sweater? (What the fuck is this bitch blathering on about?)
Riding your bike is fine, but why not train for a race? (Fine. Caucasians…line ‘em up.)
This is the time to push yourself. (Or other people.)
Is it time for truth or dare? (You just said it was time to push Ourself. Make up your fucking mind.)
Knowing you, (Which you don’t.)
and considering your fiery energy, (Jigga what?)
you should choose both when it comes to love today. (Both what?)
Your replies, your behavior and your essence are just plain hot. (Why, yes. Yes, they are. And will no doubt be appreciated by studly young audience members as We parade about done up like a cross between Bea Arthur and Vicki Lawrence’s Mama. Sigh.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.