Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for ThirstyThursday, May Twenty-Turd, Twenty-TurdTeen.
Oh, Our brethren, and Our cistern! When We asked, yesterday, from the depths of Our despair, for an outpouring of cheer from YouPeople, who knew that We would receive enough cheer to choke a chicken, and then some? Certainly not We!
Sarcasm…it’s what’s for breakfast. (Choked chicken is, naturally, for lunch.)
In other news, Happy Birthday to Madi, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also, Happy Birthday to Richard, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. Also also, Happy Birthday to Bluejean Foodcritic (which We suspect is not his real name) who also also lhasa apso turns twenty-four today, also also lhasa apso right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles.
In other other news, you will notice the appearance above of Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: GEMINI 2013 video. We expect you will do your usual bang-up job of sharing it with all of your friends using this link: http://youtu.be/Yj7enrUk6js , because you care about Us like that.
We have an entire editorial (or should that be “e-ntire e-ditorial”?) screed off on which We would like to go, but We shall be saving that for another e-pissode, lest We cast all of Our pearl necklaces up the swine flue at once. Stay tuned…it’s a doozy.
And now the HorrorScopes:
Joan Collins is eighty today. We are fairly certain that’s all anyone needs to know.
You’ve got to renew your commitment to a person or project today — (“Renew” is an odd word, no? It kind of acts as if “new” were (subjunctively) a verb.)
(A mind is a terrible thing, especially when it’s smaller than your waist.)
maybe formally, or maybe just inside your heart. (Or mayhaps in the depths of your duodenum. What the fuck are you blathering about, Kelli?)
You may find it to be much easier than you had anticipated! (Mmm-hmmm….because THAT happens ALL the time. Things are ALWAYS turning out SO much easier than One had first anticipated.)
While things in your personal life are getting lighter and brighter right now, (When did We stumble into a laundry detergent commercial? (See, you THINK that was a non sequitur…until We tell you that it’s a Cheer™ commercial.))
(See what We did there? We are a Highly-Trained Professional….do NOT attempt this at home.)
you can expect things to get hot and heavy in the business aspects of your day. (So We’re becoming a prostitute then? When We can’t even GIVE it away?)
This will definitely not be an easy day (Our world and welcome to it…who needed astrology to tell Us THAT?)
in terms of negotiating or making a power play, but whatever trials you go through will teach you some invaluable lessons! (And that’s just the trials…imagine what the tribulations will do for Us.)
(That’s the trouble with tribulations.)
If you can, reschedule a big meeting that’s hogging up your day (All things considered, We’d rather “new” be a verb than “hog”. Assuming We get a vote.)
— you need more free time to play with. (Indeed so.)
It will be invaluable in helping you keep a clear head. (I can see clearly now, Lorraine has gone. I can see tall Popsicles™ in L.A.)
(What the fuck does that song even MEAN? Who the hell is Lorraine?)
Get ready for a change of gears (Sorry…We can’t drive a stick. (So much for that prostitution plan.))
— the stars send some seriously introspective vibes your way, especially when it comes to the why’s, the where’s and the how’s of romance. (Get. Those. Fucking. Apostrophes. Out. Of. There. NOW.)
Break out a new journal or go for a walk. (Or, break out a new urinal. With a new urinal cake. Because, mmmmmm….cake.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.