Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for GoodPieRupeeTuesday, HookahDanangAniméAnew, VenuesChainsWithBenVereen’sNudeLegs, StiltLimeGunnerMitchWho?
Ah, ‘tis a grand morning for singin’, innit? Kiss Us quick, We’re Mick Jagger. (As an aside (parenthetically, that is (hence the parentheses)), We are guessing that “kiss” and “quick” don’t go together in the same sentence with “Mick Jagger”. (Not that We intend to give that prolonged thought. (Where’s the mental floss?)))
Ooops…We got so excited singing The Stones that We forgot to say it’s April 16rd, 2013, and Happy Birthday to Kevin, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Kevin is one of the actors who play Our Son The Hipster in the murder mystery in which We currently find Ourself, and is well worth the price of admission for his skinny jeans alone, in addition to being amazingly funny and talented. We’re not sayin’ nothin’, We’re just sayin’, Our BabyDaddy must have had some seriously good jeans.
Of course, the casting is ridiculous, as both We and Kevin are twenty-four, but surely you can suspend your disbelief; yes, We just called you Shirley, and when are you coming?
Meanwhile, speaking of “If-Helen-Keller-falls-down-in-a-forest-is-there-sound?”, all that blast from the past action yesterday, and We hear almost nothing from YouPeople? Is this thing on?
Speaking of “Is that a Pabst™ Blue Ribbon in your pocket, or are you just happy to see Us?”, here is the link with which you will share Our Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope: Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosy Starfish, for comparison:
Speaking of speaking of things, here come the HorrorScopes. But first, it came to Our attention via Twatter that it is Jon Cryer’s birthday. Upon (a brief) investigation, We learned that his show, Two and a Half Men, has been on the air for TEN YEARS. We think We can all shut the fuck up in the “what’s wrong with this country” debate as of right now.
You are not feeling your best today (Not feeling Our best WHAT? Or, alternatively, if We’re not feeling OUR best, whose are we feeling?)
— but that’s okay! (Also, gosh darn it, people like Us.)
You can still get things done and even have a good time without worrying about knocking anyone’s socks off (Why would you imagine that We would want to knock anyone’s socks off? Do you think We have a foot fetish?)
with your wit or prowess. (Yeah. THERE’S a way to win friends and influence people…invite ‘em over, then immediately start trying to knock their socks off by hitting them with your prowess.)
In order to get a lot done today like you want to, you’re going to have to learn how to say no. (No We aren’t.)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
(Okay, did your seeing eye dog see what We did there?)
(What’s that, Lassie? Timmy fell down the well? Again? Is that boy retarded?)
(We’ll take “Things June Lockhart Thought But Never Said Out Loud” for $500, Alex.)
Stop worrying so much about staying social — accepting every invitation that comes your way might be a great way to stay busy, (You’re joking, right?)
but it’s also an effective way of driving yourself nuts! (Oh, please. To drive Oneself nuts, One has barely to put the key in the ignition.)
Is there some reason that you’re avoiding alone time? (The voices in Our head told Us We are not alone?)
Think about it. (Okay, we’ll think about it. It usually has an antecedent. The end.)
Clearing up your schedule doesn’t have to be difficult if you make sure it’s not so crowded in the first place! (Apparently, We are several steps ahead of you.)
They may be nothing more than feelings, (Whoa---whoa---whoa…who the hell let Morris Albert in here?)
(We had to look it up, too. We thought it was Barry Manilow, but it wasn’t.)
but they are pretty darned potent right now. (“Darned potent” would seem to be an oxymoron. Kelli, on the other hand, would seem to be a regular moron.)
But taking action when you’re this riled up can be difficult at best. (You think We’re riled up today, just wait till tomorrow.)
Find some other way to get them out. (You’ve tried scrubbing, you’ve tried soaking…and still you get “Ring around Uranus! Ring around Uranus!”)
(We are supposed to be working on Our one-woman Starzina show. How many Uranus jokes can one woman tell?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.