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Friday, April 12, 2013

Comet™, it makes you vomit, so take some Comet™ and vomit today!

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Friday, April 12, 2013.  Nice day if it don’t rain.

We have no time to be under the weather, however, as We are scheduled to within an inch of Our very lives (whatever the hell THAT means) till the wee small hours of the morning.  Firstly, We are shooting Our next Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscopes video.  Seconal, We shall be murdering people for fun and profit (well, okay, mostly profit).  And thorazine, We shall be catching up with a friend over après-murder cocktails.

Hi-ho, the glamorous life!

(Who you callin’ “Ho”?)

Why are the WorldWideInterWebNetz so quiet this morning?  We would think, with the weather, that everyone would be in front of his or her computer, complaining.  Just because We complain so much better than everyone else is no reason why people shouldn’t make an effort.  Jeebus.

Since no one is paying attention, We should be able to slip this one past you:  occasionally, We are nice.  No, really.  Unfortunately, when We ARE nice, We are usually TOO nice, and it bites Us in the ass.  And not in a good way.  Causing Us to be not nice, until We forget, and are too nice again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

Speaking of Johnny Depp’s scrotum, here is the link with which you will share Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope:  Aries video with your friends, enemies, frenemies, enemists, and frenulums:

(That “thud’ you just heard was MissCynthia fainting.)

Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is last year’s Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:

And now, in case you thought things couldn’t get any more boring, here is Kelli’s HorrorScope:

 In today’s odd couple birthday news, it is the birthday of both Jane Withers, who was Josephine the Plumber in 60s-70s Comet™ cleanser commercials, and Brendon Urie, lead singer of Panic! At The Disco.  Of course, Ms. Plumber is sixty-one years older than Mister Disco, so We suspect they won’t be celebrating together.  But just imagine if they did…

Your finances are making life a little difficult right now (That’s impossible…We don’t have any finances.)

— but it shouldn’t be anything like a crisis!  (And yet, you’ve seen fit to employ The Random Exclamation Point Of Crisis Escalation.  Bee-yotch.)

You may find that your family has a ready solution,  (Open a meth lab?)

(We shall call Ourself Wilma White.  Or Josephine the Plumber.  We shall sell Josephine the Plumber’s crack, which We shall transport disguised as Comet™ cleanser.  Oh, the places We’ll go!)

though it’s not the one you’re thinking of.   (Oh.  Maybe We’re supposed to grow marijuana instead?  Can We get Hunter Parrish to play Our son?  (Actually, We’re doing pretty damn alright in the “playing Our son” department.  We’re just sayin’.))

(HAH!  Micro$oft Weird™ wants Us to change “playing Our son” to “playing Our song”.  Kiss Us quick, We’re Marvin Hamlisch.)

 It’s a big balancing act  (Was that a fat joke?)

when it comes to love, work, family, friends and private life. (To say nothing of the life in Our privates.  And the dearth of privates in Our life.  Sigh.)

The trick is getting what you need when you need it and making sure others get what they need from you.  (That’s not a trick, that’s a Rolling Stones song.)

Prioritizing and flexibility: With those two tools, you can make almost anything work.  (A crowbar and a jackhammer are good, too.)

Yes, at some moments a few of your major priorities will have to fall by the wayside,  (Who the hell mentioned majors?  We were talking about privates…)

but as long as you’re aware of what you’re doing, (Yeah.  Like THAT’LL happen.)

you’ll be able to pick them up again in no time.   (Pick ‘em up, stick ‘em up, trick ‘em up…nope, We got nothin’.)

 You’re in planning mode, so it’s a great time to plan a raging party!  (We are fairly certain that “raging” is not an adjective We would enjoy having applied to a party of Ours.  Just sayin’.)

Go nuts  (Mmm-hmm.  As though We need the encouragement.),

as themes, music, costumes and more are all game.  (Costumes, you say?)

Make sure it’s so irresistible people will come from miles around.  (Well, as long as they clean up after theyselves.)

In gaseousness,

Starzina Starfish-Browne

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.