Hello, Ducks!
Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your
Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMillardFillmoreMonday,
February 18, 2013. Happy Presidents Day,
everybody! Those Gentle Readers with
children must have already sung a bunch of Presidents Day carols around the
Presidents Day tree, and opened all their Presidents Day presents. Here at OurHouseWhereWeLive, We’ve gotten a
bit of a late start this morning, so Our celebrations have only gotten as far as
Martin van Buren.
Our mind being what it is (or should that be “what
it isn’t”, i.e. functional?), typing Martin van Buren just then made Us think
of Mamie van Doren. It did not,
unfortunately, make Us think of a joke involving the two of them, because,
really, how many Martin van Buren jokes can there be?
We have a lot of birthday wishes today, as We
neglected to wish weekend-birthday folks a happy birthday in advance on Friday,
so We’re doing Double Doody Today Tootie Rootie Tootie Fresh And Fruity.
(Sorry…Our needle got stuck. (Old-timers will imagine that We mean a
phonograph needle, but you youngsters will surmise (correctly) that We’re
talking about a hypodermic needle.
(Heroin…it’s not just for breakfast any more.)))
Happy Birthday to Mark, who turns twenty-four
today in Arizona or some such state with an embarrassing governor. (In Oklahoma, not Arizona, what does it
matter? What does it matter? (That there was a little musical interlude. On the hi-fi, for you oldsters.))
Happy Birthday also to Evan, who turns
twenty-four today in New Yawk, and to Caroline, who turns twenty-four today in
suburbia, and to Christopher, who not only turns twenty-four today, but also
turned twenty-four over the weekend.
Because he is two different people.
Howzzat for a segue? (What’s a segue? About a pound and a half. (Try to keep up, people, these jokes ain’t getting’
any younger.))
Happy Birthday to Aaron, and Donna, and
Rachel, each of whom turned twenty-four over the weekend, without any help from
each other, as, to the best of Our knowledge, they are unacquainted. Also, Happy Birthday to Rich, who’s all like,
“Twenty-four? Day-um, y’all are OLD!”,
and how cosmopolitan are We, to actually know people who aren’t twenty-four
yet?
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our
birthday Aquarians:
Speaking of fillums, do NOT miss tomorrow’s
e-pisstle, as it will be A Very Special E-Pissode for those who enjoy Our
viZZZuals.
In other news, HimSelf asked Us to thank all
of those who came out to watch him embarrass HimSelf as Jesus H. Christ in The
VD Match Game. A good time was
apparently had by all, except those with any taste or decency.
Meanwhile,
speaking of birthdays, We had an amazingly revelatory dream this weekend. The
details are a bit hazy, as We had it on Friday night, but essentially, in Our
dream, it was Our birthday.
(We
interrupt this dream to inform you that Our actual
birthday is April 17th, and don’t let the fact that We spend all
year wishing all y’all Happy Birthdays influence you in any way
whatsoever. KThxBye.)
And on Our
birthday in this dream (did We all of a sudden start singing “Old MacDonald Had A Farm (and Bingo Was His
Name-O)”? (Oh, is that stuck in your
head now? Too bad, so sad, anal sex with
your dad.)), people were saying mean things to Us. On Our BIRTHDAY! So We said to them, We said (get ready for
it): “Shut the fuck up, it’s my birthday!”
(We
frequently eschew (gesundheit (thank you)) The Royal We in Our dreams.)
How
ingenious is that? At first blush, you
might think it would only work on One’s actual birthday. But, really, in addition to that, if the mean
people were unacquainted with One’s actual birthday (as mean people are wont to
be), it would work on any day of the year.
(Although not, perhaps, on two days in succession.) And, even if the mean people were acquainted
with One’s actual birthday, it would certainly give them a moment’s pause.
We think We
shall start saying it all the time. Perhaps
We shall “make it happen”. Much like “fetch”. (But UNlike “too bad, so sad, anal sex with your
dad”, which Our Google-O-Meter™ informs Us We are the only person on the WorldWideInterWebNetz
ever to have said.)
And here are the HorrorScopes:
(Okay, not only Presidents Day, but also Yoko Ono’s
birthday? We’re gonna need to bake more
cookies!)
You need to take it easy (Nothing is as easy as We
are. We are easy…easy like an Easy-Bake
Oven™… (Bite Us, Lionel Richie.))
and see if you can get a little help (Wait…We have help? What is this, Downton Abbey?)
— things are going your way, but you could always use a
little lift. (Or a little nip-tuck. (Tell
Us what you don’t like about yourself.))
Check in with a friend or coworker to see if you can work
together. (It is Presidents Day,
bee-yotch. Ain’t nobody got time fo’
dat.)
Be prepared for a few scheduling hiccups, today. (Oh,
please. If only Our schedule ever only hiccupped. Usually it breaks out in hives, and then
shits itself.)
(That there was a
werd pixture We created just for you.
You’re welcome.)
Suddenly, (And without warning?)
an unforeseen event (Much like the Pope’s resignation, We did Nazi
that coming.)
could limit your free time and make you feel a little bit
like you’re under the gun. (Whose gun is
it, exactly?)
But have no fear! (Underdog is here!)
This rapid change of pace will not send you down a
stressful path. (Perhaps a primrose
path?)
Instead, it will be invigorating and bring out your
competitive, aggressive nature. (Yeah,
that doesn’t sound stressful AT ALL.)
This will be a funday, (Monday Funday? That almost NEVER happens!)
full of twists and turns that keep you on the edge of your
seat — and ready for the next curveball to come your way! (Why are they throwing balls at Us if We’re
sitting down? We’re not very good at
this sort of thing, Kelli, but We fear you may have muddled your sports
metaphor.)
You might run into a
romantic obstacle today, (See also: Big Ol’ Dick.)
but when does that ever stop you? (See also: Three-Legged Race.)
You’ve got plenty of possibilities, (We’ve got plenty o’ nuthin’, and nuthin’s plenty
for We.)
so make the most of them.
(Don’t tell Us what to do. (We
would love to close with a Martin van Buren joke, to be all thematological and
all, but We know exactly nothing about him.
Lettuce go Google him on Wikipedia, and see if there’s anything funny
about him…BRB…))
(Nope, he was boring.
We’re outtie.)
(Your Your-O-Scopes:
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but
better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For
real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good
friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own
epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by
comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own
lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets,
planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam,
jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
*****************************************************************************
Starzina
Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not
really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician
and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her
humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show
and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this
unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course,
an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera
Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her
doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality.
There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has
Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on
the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian
helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her
daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she
enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the
coxswain of the Penn rowing team.
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