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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Is your figure less than Greek?

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Thursday, February 14, 2013.  Long-time Gentle Readers are no doubt anticipating an anti-VD screed this morning, but, quite Anne Frankly (she’s in the attic!!!), We are much too excited about Our impending Popedom to be concerned with the sticky interactions of mere mortals.  Especially since We learned that, once We have ascended to the Popal Throne, We will become infallible!  We shall no doubt have to rebrand these e-pisstles as A Papal Bull.  (Not that that’s much of a stretch.)   One wonders if Our infallibility will cure typos retroactively?

The other reason We are not all up on Our anti-VD high-horse-powered unicorn is that We have received, once again, Our annual VD billet-doux from the elusive, shy, retiring Monsieur Johnny Depp. (Did anyone else just say that with a Frawnch accent and come in their Own panties?   Just Us?  Alrighty, then.  (Hey, why do these still say “Tuesday”?))

Speaking of Monsieur Johnny Depp (sigh), this is an historic Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! occasion for another reason.  Our Google-O-Meter™’s Google-O-Metrix™, by way of the handy and dandy index off to the right there, inform Us that today marks Our one-hundredth mention of Monsieur Depp within these hallowed pages.  As there are currently about seven hundred of these e-pisstles here in Bloggonia, that means that, if We had (subjunctively) been writing these every day of the week for a hundred weeks, We would have mentioned Monsieur Depp every Thursday, say, despite Monday’s child being fair of face which seats five, and despite still wearing Our Tuesday panties.  Do you follow?

You do?  God bless Us and save Us!  (That was pretty Papal, wunnit?)  So here’s a little game, especially for Our long-time Gentle Readers.  In addition to Monsieur Depp, there are twelve other celebrities who appear in our index more than twenty times.  (Any analogy to Jesus and the twelve apostles is purely intentional.  (Hey, Wer’e gonna be the fuckin’ Pope…are you gonna tell Us We’re wrong?))  Without cheating by looking off to the right there, how many can you name?  Leave your answers in the comments below.  (Here’s a hint:  Anne Frank, who has already been referenced in today’s e-pissode, isn’t one of them.)  We’ll supply answers tomorrow.

Speaking of old men in dresses and ruby slippers,  We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here and find more info here
  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Wow!  Not only VD, not only Our 100th mention of Monsieur Johnny Depp (sigh), but also Thelma Ritter’s birthday!  Does it get any better than this?  (If she were (subjunctively) still with Us, Thelma would be 101 today.  Like the Dalmatians.

Your instincts are guiding you to explore new territory (And just wait till you see Us mark it.)

— so get out there and mix it up with new people, places and things!  (Nouns!  They’re not just for breakfast anymore.)

You can’t go wrong as long as you are out there making discoveries.  (Of course We can’t; We’re infallible.  (Of course, this does beg the question of what happens if We TRY to go wrong…))

Today is one of those days (Indeed.)

when the more organized you are, the more you will enjoy yourself. (No worries there.)

So do yourself a favor  (Because damn skippy nobody else will.)

and start the day by evaluating what needs to be done and how you are going to go about doing it. (Won’t We have people for that?  Papal people?  Who use PayPal™?  (Are the luckiest people in the world… ))


But making a plan doesn’t necessarily have to kill any chance of spontaneity (We have spontaneity on Our calendar for 4:15.)

— it just lays out a nice road map for you to follow.  (Is it a yellow brick road map?)

(Was that a really gay question?)

Feel free to go off the beaten path here and there, but when you do be thoughtful about it. (There are so many things wrong with that sentence, We don’t even know where to begin.)

(The correct answer, meanwhile to the “Was that a really gay question?” question is, “As gay as a bag full of dicks.”  You’re welcome.)

Keep things simple (Easy for you to say.)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

and pace yourself.  (“Pace yourself before you mace yourself” just doesn’t have the same ring as “check yourself before you wreck yourself”. Discuss.)

You’re all about fresh starts (Stretch farts…there’s the punchline; somebody write the joke for Us.)

and new opportunities, but your energy is pushing you to apply it to the romantic present (There are presents?  Yay!)

instead of the future.  (Where’s Our damn stretch farts joke?)

Figure it out right away.  (Don’t tell Us what to do!  We are the fucking POPE, fercrissakes!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.