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Wednesday, February 6, 2013

I streamed a stream of consciousNESS


Hello, Ducks!



Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday’sChildIsFullOfEverySha-La-La-LaEveryWhoa-Whoa-WoeKarenCarpenterIsStillDead, February 6, 2013.  (That there joke operated on so many levels that it was frightening, wunnit?  A sort of existential tone poem of a joke, if you will, Buffalo Bill coupe de ville Anita Hill.  The sort of joke a Buddhist monk might mime to his yak.  A yuk for yaks, as it (subjunctively) were.)



We may be having a stroke.  Oh, We can raise Our arms, and We can smile, but when We tried to say a sentence, it came out as one of the sentences from the preceding paragraph, so the jury is still out.



We are apparently becoming civic-minded in Our dotage.  That was Our second Public Service Announcement in two days.  Many of you are no doubt still recovering from Our breast cancer PSA video from yesterday.  Speaking of strokes.



As a matter of fact, We’re feeling so benignly benevolent and benevolently benign that We’re gonna replay that PSA just pour vous, Nanette Fabray:







For those of YouPeople who have paused long enough in your naked skimming to wonder just how We create such a bantery barrage of bon motley badinage every day before breakfast, We are here to tell you, Boris Badonov, it is almost entirely stream-of-consciousness.  Stream-of-consciousness is, of course, a literary technique perfected by noted American author William Faulkner.  We are fairly certain We’ve never read an actual word written by the illustrious Mister Faulkner, but, on multiple choice tests in high school, if they said “William Faulkner”, we were trained to bark out “stream-of-consciousness”, much like Pavlov’s dog.



Nuns are fucking hysterical, no?



Speaking of hysterical nuns, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 and find more info here
http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/
  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.



Speaking of Our Sistah Ovella (is it just Us, or is the stream of Our consciousness much like a circus elephant pissing on your head and then telling you it’s raining? (Of course it isn’t, silly; circus elephants can’t talk.  (This is the same reason why those Buddhist monks had to mime to their yaks.  (Oh, look; We’ve come full circle! (To everything (turd-turd-turd) there is a season (turd-turd-turd)…)))))



What the fuck were We talking about?  Oh, yes, Our Sistah Ovella.  To cheer Ourselves up here in the dead of winter, she is coming over later and We’re gonna eat baguettes and watch French people starve to death.  That is, We’re gonna look at Our SAG screener of Less Miserable.  If We’re lucky, maybe long about the third hour, Jerry Lewis will sing a song.



As Marcel Marceau always says:














Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:





And here are the HorrorScopes:


Apparently, today is everybody’s birthday, from Axl Rose to Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (We have no idea what that means, but We do enjoy the symmetry.)



You need to snap into action today  (We’ve already had a stroke…isn’t that enough “snapping” for one day?)


— so make sure that you’re not just spinning your wheels or talking the big talk. (Also, what about Crackle?  And Pop?)



Things should start to get more interesting (Well, they certainly couldn’t get less.)

just as you’re in the thick of it all!  (Is it just Us, or did the exclamation point make that sound really dirty?)



 Seek out someone who you really respect or admire and find out how they do it. (WWWFD?)



(What Would William Faulkner Do?  (Try to keep up.  Jeebus.))



If you love how they handle themselves in a meeting, (Or if you just love how they handle their love-handles.)



ask them for pointers on how to improve your verbal communication.  (It is also Eva Braun’s birthday.  We just thought We’d throw that in there.)



If you admire the way they always get the party started, find out how you can become more outgoing.  (What if We want to become more incoming?  If you know what We mean.  And We think you do.)



Whatever you want to learn today, the best way to get your education is by asking someone who’s already doing it well. (Now We are picturing Axl Rose and Zsa Zsa Gabor sharing birthday cake.  Someone make it stop, please.)



They’ll be flattered (Or flattened.)



and will start seeing you in a more positive light.  (How ‘bout a nice bastard amber?)



Exploring some new scenes and meeting some fresh characters gives your heart the kick-start it’s desperately in need of.  (Did We mention Our stroke?  Kick-starting Our heart might not be the wisest idea…)



Now for something, and maybe even someone, entirely different!  (Whatevs.  We gotta go to the bakery for baguettes.)



 (Your Your-O-Scopes:


(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  http://agskylab.blogspot.com/.  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)

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Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.