Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Friday, February 15, 2013.
We will be playing The VD Match Game tonight and tomorrow at 7:30 at L’Etage. We trust We shall see you there. The doors open at 7. You can buy tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 or buy them at the door. Which We will be working, because We’re classy like that.
We notice that no one could be bothered to participate in Our contest yesterday. Presumably you are saving up all of your energies for The VD Match Game. Here, for those who nakedly skimmed past it, is the set-up for said contest:
“Speaking of Monsieur Johnny Depp (sigh), this is an historic Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! occasion for another reason. Our Google-O-Meter™’s Google-O-Metrix™, by way of the handy and dandy index off to the right there, inform Us that today marks Our one-hundredth mention of Monsieur Depp within these hallowed pages. As there are currently about seven hundred of these e-pisstles here in Bloggonia, that means that, if We had (subjunctively) been writing these every day of the week for a hundred weeks, We would have mentioned Monsieur Depp every Thursday, say, despite Monday’s child being fair of face which seats five, and despite still wearing Our Tuesday panties. Do you follow?
You do? God bless Us and save Us! (That was pretty Papal, wunnit?) So here’s a little game, especially for Our long-time Gentle Readers. In addition to Monsieur Depp, there are twelve other celebrities who appear in our index more than twenty times. (Any analogy to Jesus and the twelve apostles is purely intentional. (Hey, Wer’e gonna be the fuckin’ Pope…are you gonna tell Us We’re wrong?)) Without cheating by looking off to the right there, how many can you name? Leave your answers in the comments below. (Here’s a hint: Anne Frank, who has already been referenced in today’s e-pissode, isn’t one of them.) We’ll supply answers tomorrow.”
It being the aforementioned tomorrow, here are the answers in question:
Charlene Tilton (81) If you don’t remember that period, you either have skid marks on your naked skimmer or you’re very, very new.
Justin Bieber (77) And, just because We’re especially cranky this morning, here’s his video:
Helen Keller (64) We’d’ve thought that number would be larger, but seeing is Beliebing.
Cher (41) We don’t really talk about Cher as much as We probably should, but We do have a propensity for saying “Cher and Cher alike”.
(See that there? “Propensity”. Smart people are hot, no?)
Charles Nelson Reilly (35) No comment.
Prince Harry (32) Won’t Charles be pleased to see himself on top of Prince Harry?
(Is anyone else now imagining an especially ribald set of new lyrics to the children’s song “On Top Of Spaghetti”? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
(See that there? “Ribald”. Smart people…oh, never mind.)
Willam Belli (30) Willam is the only bona fide celebrity that We actually know, so We are thinking that a mere thirty mentions in just over three years shows admirable restraint. Or Admiral Nelson’s taint. One of those. (Meanwhile, didja know that if you say “bona fide” with a southern accent it sounds like “boner fried”? Seriously. Try it right now. We’ll wait.)
Prince William (29) We used to mention him way more in Our pre-Bloggonia days, but then he started looking like his dad and got all married and shit, and his brother suddenly got way hotter. (Who the hell’s voice was THAT?)
Justin Timberlake (26) We have no idea.
William Shakespeare (23) Because We are SO classy, you’ll be tempted to eat Us with a fork.
Uma Thurman (22) This is another one where We’d’ve thought the number would be way higher. We feel like We say that all the time.
Gene Rayburn (21) Because, did We mention, We will be playing The VD Match Game tonight and tomorrow at 7:30 at L’Etage. We trust We shall see you there. The doors open at 7. You can buy tickets here http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562 or buy them at the door. Which We will be working, because We’re classy like that.
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Today is Harold Arlen’s birthday. Arlen, of course, wrote the gay national anthem Over the Rainbow. Speaking of gay, it is also Cesar Romero’s birthday.
You’re blazing new trails (Is that your way of saying We’re flaming?)
(On a scale of one to Cesar-Romero-in-his-Joker-costume, how flaming would that be?)
and making the world more fun today (Who can turn the world on in argyle? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all Gomer Pyle?)
— even if you’re just going about your daily business. (POOP!)
Your tremendous personal energy (Oh, please.)
keeps things lively and engaging for all! (Engaged? We haven’t even been out of Our house with another human being since the last week of January.)
You can make huge strides forward today (In these shoes?)
— if you let your ambition take over. (Just don’t mix up Ambien™ with your ambitchin’.)
It can lead you to a success you have deserved for a long time, but you’re going to have to swallow your pride in order to follow it. (Honey, We have swallowed things a lot bigger than Our pride.)
When you show you can be a team player (There may be no “I” in “team”, but there is a big “U” in “Uranus”.)
and work for the greater good, those in power take notice — and they will be impressed by your selflessness. (What? Are We not supposed to be Ourself? Who, then, shall We be? Shall We be a clown? Does all the world truly love a clown?)
(Ya know, if We went back over that and made all of Our pentameters iambic, that would be almost downright fucking Shakespearean. GodDAMN, We be classy!)
Don’t be surprised (SURPRISE!!!)
if some day quite soon they ask you to step up and take on bigger responsibilities. (Oh, sure…pretend it’s OUR responsibility. We’re just here to be your damn scapegoat.)
Country line dancing, anyone? (What da fuq you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? We be playin’ da got-damn VD Match Game. Country line dancing, Our black ass!)
An offbeat social event (What’s that? A Naked Skimmers Anonymous meeting?)
is certain to be packed with cool people (So is a morgue.)
— and it comes with a built-in icebreaker! (Well, ya got Us there.)
Check the net for local events and check ’em out! (Oh, yes, by all means. Lettuce just toddle on over to Wikipedia, and Google “local events”, and We’ll just see how THAT works out.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.