Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for JustAnotherMaxFrischMonday, February 4, 2013. Happy Belated Birthday to Christine, who turned twenty-four this weekend Somewhere (That’s Green) In Suburbia. (We just saw a pixture of Christine on the WorldWideInetrWebNetz…We have those very sunglasses!) Also, Happy Belated Birthday to Terry, who also turned twenty-four this weekend, right in Our very Own neighborhood. (We still didn’t get any cake.) As for the rest of YouPeople, Happy Belated Groundhog Day (again), and Happy Belated Feast of Saint Blaise.
(Is it just Us, or if you met someone these days whose name was Blaise, would you pretty much expect him NOT to be a saint? We are thinking Blaise would be a professional mechanical bull rider. Or a porn star. Which is kind of the same thing.)
Speaking of the InterNetz, this just in from them: Vagina jokes are never funny. Period.
In other news, We had an email rejecting Us from the project We spent most of last week applying for. Which was no particular surprise, and was actually quite polite. Especially when compared to all those folks to whom We have sent emails, texts, tweets, and smoke signals, only to be left twisting answerless in the breeze.
We shall now be breaking Our moratorium on dream stories, to bring you a rather unique update. Those of you who find other people’s dreams boring need to nakedly skim ahead several paragraphs now. This dream involved Joanne, who is a member of the WaitStaff. To the best of Our recollection, this is the first dream of Ours in which she has appeared. In Our dream, not only was she a member of the WaitStaff, but also, she was a member of the cast of Glee, a position which she had apparently held for quite some time in addition to her WaitStaff position, and which everyone seemed to think was no particular big deal. In the episode of Glee being shot in this dream, Joanne was singing “I Love Destruction” in preparation for her character burning down the school.
(It should be noted that “I Love Destruction” is a song by Cyco Miko, which We didn’t even realize We knew until We Googled it on Wikipedia upon waking up. And We are still unclear as to where We ever heard it before.)
Our dream never got as far as the actual arson, although there was a very complicated dolly/tracking shot in which Joanne sang her way up three flights of stairs. She was wearing a yellow dress. And makeup.
This dream was a lot more interesting in Our dream.
Speaking of the WaitStaff, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage. Please check out Our SitOnMyFaceBook event and say you’re coming: http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/
In other other news, Karen Carpenter has been dead for thirty years today. Rainy days and Mondays always fuck a clown.
On the other hand, Alice Cooper is still alive (We almost said “still very much alive”, but that would have required Us to send a fact-checker) and celebrating his sixty-fifth birthday today. School’s out for EVAH!
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
And here are the HorrorScopes:
Your emotional side is getting a workout today (Kiss Us quick, We’re Richard Simmons.)
— but that’s more good than bad. (Should We be wearing a headband?)
For one thing, there are plenty of positive emotions; for another, you don’t want your feelings to get flabby! (What, they don’t make Spanx™ for that?)
Your compassionate nature has helped you create some very strong relationships. (Well, naturally. Ever since We learned to fake sincerity, We’ve had it made.)
But your compassion can sometimes cause you to get upset about problems that are not yours to be upset about. (That would seem to be a problem. Which would be Ours about which to be upset.)
(This is way too complicated for a Monday.)
Other peoples’ problems are, by definition, theirs! And they need to solve them. You can’t get so involved that you suffer sleepless nights! (Is anyone else wondering why the middle sentence didn’t merit an exclamation point? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
Try letting go: (Oh, Honey. You do NOT want US to take off Our emotional Spanx™.)
After all, they came to you for guidance and support, not a quick fix. (Heroin: it’s not just for breakfast any more.)
Let a certain someone in a little deeper today. (Hello, Blaise?)
Be honest about your dreams and ambitions, and don’t hold back. (Do you think they’ll pay Us for Our episode of Glee?)
Let the conversation get more intimate than usual. (Talk to Our ass; Our head has had enough.)
If you feel uncomfortable at any time, pull back. (And right away We’re in the gutter again…)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.