Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FridayFridayFriday, February 22st, 2013. We cannot tell a lie, it is George Washington’s actual birthday, so lettuce all take out Our teeth and gum some cherry cake. It is also Brian Anthony’s birthday, so Happy Birthday Brian Anthony, as you turn twenty-four on each of your SitOnMyFaceBook pages.
Why would anybody have TWO SitOnMyFaceBook pages? ;)
Of course, We SAY “We cannot tell a lie”, but that is, of course, a lie. We can think of no advantageous reason, however, to tell you that “We CAN tell a lie”, as then you will no doubt watch Us more closely and possibly catch Us out. And We choose to believe that what young George Washington meant, with an axe in his hand and a recently-deceased cherry tree at his feet, is, “I cannot possibly tell THIS PARTICULAR lie and have a chance in hell of getting away with it, so I will come clean, thereby making it infinitely easier to get away with my NEXT whopper”.
He was, after all, a politician.
Did We mention that We were recently crowned Queen of Norway?
Also, heh, We said “whopper”. It takes, as you are no doubt aware, two hands to handle a whopper. (No, really…it DOES. That is not a lie.)
But enough history for one day. (Actually, that IS a lie, because right away here comes some more history.)
Please watch the inventor of the Long Island Iced Tea make a Long Island Iced Tea:
Is it just Us, or are all y’all a little tipsy just from WATCHING that? (Also, heh, his name is “Butt”.)
Speaking of big butts in videos, We have released Our new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video for Pisces, which see above. Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .
Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:
We repeated that paragraph in its entirety from the other day because We are still pondering what exactly the “sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” euphemism might actually mean. Sigh.
And here are the HorrorScopes:
In addition to George “Pants-On-Fire” Washington, it is also Drew Barrymore’s birthday, as well as Kyle MacLachlan’s. Something for everyone.
Family issues are on your mind today, and you should find that you can’t come up with any reason not to handle the domestic stuff before everything else. (Actually, if you drink the imported stuff first, the domestic stuff will go down easier once you no longer care. True fact. (We cannot, after all, tell a lie.))
Talk with family or roommates and start working on an answer. (We haven’t even heard the question yet.)
When you find yourself thinking of an older person today, stop and pay attention. (Older than what?)
This person symbolizes something that you need to integrate back into your life as soon as you can. (Oh, goody, symbolism. Our favorite. If anyone wants Us, We’ll be out back chopping down a cherry tree.)
(Speaking of cherries and birthdays, is there a famous cherry cake that what passes for Our mind is refusing to conjure up for Us? We are not a fan of cherry pie, and We have to serve George something when he gets here. (What? He SAID he was coming. And he wouldn’t tell a lie.))
Give yourself time to figure out what it could be today — the answer might not be obvious at first. (We are STILL waiting on the fucking question. What is this, Jeopardy? We’ll take Dead Presidents for $500, Alex.)
But remember: Just because something is in your past doesn’t mean that it needs to stay there. (Thereby stating the premise of virtually every dramatic fillum ever made. Thank you, Captain Obvious.)
Whatever you miss can be yours again. (Also, everything old is nude again. (Your birthday suit? Needs ironing.))
All you have to do is reach back and get it. (Which is just an extremely polite way to say, “Pull it out of your ass”.)
You don’t have to suppress your strong reactions today, (Well, it’s a GODDAMN GOOD FUCKING THING, you addled-pated cooter-faced AssHat!!!)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
but you can decide who gets to hear about it. (Go tell it on the mountain, Mahalia Jackson.)
(It’s not every day Mahalia Jackson turns up in here, izzit? She must’ve heard there was gonna be cake.)
Freaking out or falling all over yourself is almost certainly not the best way to go. (Wow. The depth of the wisdom in that statement is damn near overwhelming. Assuming, that is, that both whelming and underwhelming are practically in the same place.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.