Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for Tuesday’sChildIsFullOfGraceMuchLikeHailMary, February 5, 2013. So We were dicking around on the WorldWideInterWebNetz, as One does, minding other people’s business, when We noticed that We have thirty-eight SitOnOurFaceBook friends who are not friends with HimSelf. No wonder he stays in bed all day…no one likes his ass! Loser.
Meanwhile, from The Things That Really Don’t Need To Happen Department, NBC has greenlighted a remake of the 60s-70s cop-in-a-wheelchair drama Ironside. Because folks were just CLAMORING for that. CLAMORING, We tell ya.
In other news, is NBC still on television, or are they just radio now?
And now, an Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! Public Service Announcement on the subject of early detection of breast cancer:
Speaking of the WaitStaff, We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage. Please check out Our SitOnMyFaceBook event and say you’re coming: http://www.facebook.com/events/279672565493605/ Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also. Get your tickets here: http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/331562
Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:
Mark Zuckerberg just liked something on FaceBook. What does that even mean?
And here are the HorrorScopes:
In celebrity birthdays today, somebody called Jeremy Sumpter is actually turning twenty-four today. We don’t know who the fuck he is, but We intend to spend the rest of the day looking for naked pictures of him on the InterNetz.
You’re feeling pretty independent (Which is different than feeling pretty in Depends™. Which has a much higher degree of difficulty.)
— even more so than usual (Don’t pee in your panties, Darling. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Petula Clark.))
(Has anyone other than Petula Clark ever actually been named Petula? Find out and get back to Us, won’t you?)
— and your ideas may be a little further from the mainstream than usual. (Heh. She said “stream”, just after We talked about peeing in Our Depends™. Let the river run….)
See if you can just slide some in without debate. (Exsqueeze Us?)
A foreign person will have a very positive influence in your life today, (Catherine Deneuve…Gerard Depardieu…does Johnny Depp count as being from France?)
especially if they are a person from your past. (What if they are a person from Our future? We have a time machine in the credenza, you know.)
What they have to say is going to surprise you, (SURPRISE!!!)
but you should give them the benefit of any doubt. (Why? What are they going to give Us?)
They are reaching out to you, (But are they touching Us?)
and it is a very good idea for you to reach right back. (Once more, dear friends, unto the breach…reach, reach unto the breach! (Well, it may be Shakespeare, but it’s sure as hell no “Push, push in the bush”.))
Don’t force anything romantic right now. (Because that? Would be called “rape”.)
Leave yourself an emergency exit just in case things burst into flames. (Which happens. A lot. Especially to Us.)
Poke around in the embers (Now, that’s just dirty.)
without throwing any gas on the fire (Don’t fart on the fire, Darling…(Oh, shut up, Petula Clark.))
— remember, safety first. (Followed immediately by Jeremy Sumpter naked. (Ooops…now people searching for “Jeremy Sumpter naked” are going to wind up here instead. Won’t they be pissed?))
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.