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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Just call me “Angel of the Morning”, Angel.

Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  GoodPieRupeeTunesDay, February 12, 2013. Happy Birthday to Greg, who turns twenty-four today.  Also, Happy Fat Tuesday to all of Our Fat Readers.  (Was that a fat joke?  Because it sounded like a fat joke.  (How does One tell the difference between a fat joke and a phat joke?))

You will be pleased to hear that Our headshot and résumé are winging their way to the Vatican for Round One of The Pope Auditions as We speak.  We also sent two audition videos.  It was difficult to narrow it down, as We have so many cinematic efforts to choose from, but We finally settled on this one, which is thematically relevant, because it has an angel in it:

…and this one, because it has an altar boy.  (Well, okay, it’s Justin Bieber.  What’s the matter, you’ve never heard of transubstantiation?)

Speaking of old men in dresses and ruby slippers,  We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here and find more info here
  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Today is, of course, Abraham Lincoln’s birthday.  Lincoln was the sixteenth President of the United States, and starred in the recent fillum, Daniel Day-Lewis’s Left Foot, for which he will be winning an Oscar™, so there’s no need to bake him a cake. (Also, don’t buy him theater tickets…he hates that.)  It is also Charles Darwin’s birthday.  Darwin was in the original Planet of the Apes fillum, and also played Samantha’s second husband on Bewitched.
This is not the time for new projects or people — you have to stick with what you know. (Unfortunately, We don’t know much, because We don’t get out much.)

Confusion is rampant, (Ah, so.  That is what Confucius say.)


and you may find that your energy starts to improve only after you give up a little.  (Well, if We’re sticking with what We know,a s you said earlier, We have precious little to give up.)

People who like to share their private life issues with the rest of the world are extremely tedious for you, especially right now.  (People who share their privates, on the other hand, are great fun at parties.)

You like to help others as much as the next person,  (Which is to say, not at all.)

but there are more important things that you’d rather pay attention to than who’s going through heartbreak or who’s cheating on whom.   (Well, duh.  It’s not like We’re sitting around writing country western songs.)

So ignore the gossip as much as you can today.  (Sorry…did you say something?)

Airing their dirty laundry might titillate some folks, (Heh.  Kelli said “tit”.)

but it is only going to annoy you today.  (Oh, please.  Our laundry is done, gurrrlllll.  Also, We ran the dishwasher last night.  If cleanliness is next to godliness, it is pretty goddamn godly up in here, folks.  We are all kinds of ready to be Pope.  Get that angel in here in his thong, and lettuce look up Justin Bieber’s ass to see if his hat’s on straight.)

You may be ready to march up (In these shoes?!?)

and tell that one crush of yours how hot they are,  (Like they don’t already know.  Bitch, please.)

but a lower-key approach gets better results now.  (And We are nothing if not low-key.  Well, low something.)

A simple question can work wonders! (What the fuck is that supposed to mean?)

(Heh.  See what We did there?)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.