Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for TuesdayWearingMonday’sHandMeDowns, February 19, 2013. We trust that you have all recovered from all of your Presidents Day revelries, and that you are not feeling too many ill-effects today. We Our Own Self Personally only made it as far as Rutherford B. Hayes before We were forced to call it a night. Apparently, We just can’t party on down wit’ da presidents da way We used to.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Mister BoBoB Jasper, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia. Happy Birthday also to Pete, who also turns twenty-four today, also somewhere in suburbia, except suburbia as it relates to Chicago, as opposed to The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also too to Johnnie, who also too turns twenty-four today right here at home, and to Jeffery, who turns twenty-four today all the way out in WeHo.
Why, We feel as though We should go on tour to wish all these folks a happy birthday in person.
As We promised yesterday, today is A Very Special E-Pissode Of Blossom here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! (And, parenthetically, Blossom having turned up on Big Bang Theory, whatever became of her hunky-but-dim brother? Let’s just tiptoe through the tulips of Googly Wikipedia for a moment, shall We?)
(Okay, never mind.)
(Meanwhile, if you had told Us when We were a child that someday there would be a machine in Our house where you could type such things as “Blossom’s brother Joey” and find all the answers you were looking for, We’d’ve told you you’d had one too many Rutherford B. Hayeses.)
What the fuck were We talking about? Oh, yes…Very Special E-Pissode. Today being the first day of Pisces, you may have already noticed a brand-spanking-new Starzina’s Time of the Month Horoscope video up above. Here is the link with which you would share same with your friends, both Piscean and otherwise: http://youtu.be/KMNgwWwNux8 .
Many of you will recall Our 2012 Pisces video, complete with guest appearance by Justin Bieber. Since We never tire of sharing that with Our adoring public, while We are waiting for Our invitation to go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht, here it is:
(Is it just Us, or did “go sailing on Mister Bieber’s yacht” sound suspiciously like a euphemism? Just Us? Alrighty, then.)
And here are the HorrorScopes:
(Oh Our cars and starters! Hot on the heels of all the hoopla and hullaballoo that is Presidents Day comes Justine Bateman’s birthday! Will the excitement never abate?)
Take care when you’re communicating today — things are looking a little weird, but you can turn them around in a big way if you just find a way to express yourself clearly and quickly. (Howzziss: Shut. Up. Kelli.)
Your patience for indecisive people is running very low, right now. (We’re not entirely sure whether that’s true or not…)
(Heh. See what We did there?)
You know what you’re doing today, (What?)
(Just kidding. First, We will be plugging Our new video all over the WorldWideInterWebNetz. Then We will be going to the Italian Market and making dinner. Our glamourz, let Us show them to you.)
so how come no one else does? (Does what?)
Well, you’ll never be able to get a satisfying answer to that question, (Well, aren’t YOU just the Bluebird Of Fucking Happiness?)
so why even ask it? (Are you questioning Our questioning?)
You’ll only get frustrated or angry. (Usually both.)
To keep your resentment at bay, you’ve got to move past the nincompoops and just not give them a second thought. (Well, We were going to forget about them entirely until you called them “nincompoops” and made Us giggle. Now We can’t think of anything else. It’s like when someone tells you not to think of pink elephants, and then all you can think about is pink elephants.)
(Are you thinking about pink elephants now? Are they nincompooping? We seem to recall mentioning before in these hallowed pages, elephants? Have big poops.)
Focus your communication on getting your own stuff down, (ExSQUEEZE Us?)
not on trying to get other people in trouble. (Do you mean get other people in trouble, or get other people In Trouble?)
(And, now that We’ve been forced to look at it, isn’t “trouble” a peculiar word? Troublesome, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…what makes you think it’s all about you, when it’s All About Eve?))
Modern techniques should work really well for your love life today. (So We can just pay somebody, then?)
Use email, texts, IM and more to your romantic advantage. (That sentence right there is a very bizarre porno movie.)
(No, really…think about it.)
Everyone loves quick, sweet flirts (Not to mention farts.)
(We TOLD you not to mention them.)
— and you’re a genius at it right now. (Yay, Us!)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://agskylab.blogspot.com/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.