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Wednesday, February 13, 2013

You're fat as a horse and find that you're knocked up

 Hello, Ducks!

Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for  Wednesday, February 13, 2013.  Happy Birthday to Fran, who turns twenty-four today somewhere in suburbia.  And, to the rest of YouPeople, Happy Hash Wednesday.  Also, Happy Chinese New Year.      Welcome to the Chinese Year of the Trouser Snake.  But don’t be alarmed…it’s Chinese.  So the trousers are pajamas, and the snake is an inchworm.  Also also, Happy VD Eve.  Which is like Summer’s Eve™, but with thirty-seven percent more douche.  Why “douche” doesn’t rhyme with “touché”, We’ll never know.

As you can see, William Faulkner’s urine stream of consciousness continues to have nothing on Us.

Remember, man, that thou fart dust; they cancelled As the World Turns.

Do you think We could get His Popeness to explain that to Us real quick before he goes off to play golf, or tat doilies, or whatever it is that retired Popes do with themselves?  Oh, wait…there hasn’t BEEN a retired Pope since 1415.

Naturally, We are only jesting like this to distract Ourself from Our upcoming audition for Popehood.  We don’t want to get overconfident.  Although We’re pretty sure We’ve got the whole thing in the bag.  We’ve decided to sing “Tap Your Troubles Away” from Mack and Mabel for Our upbeat number, and “Defying Gravity” from Wicked for Our ballad.  And for Our monologue, We’re going completely off the board and doing Sojourner Truth’s Ain’t I A Woman.  None of the other candidates will be doing THAT.

But the thing that has Us the MOST excited is that we have just this minute learned that the Pope…is INFALLIBLE!  And, as you all know, We thought We were wrong once, but We were MISTAKEN!  Talk about a shoe-in!  To demonstrate Our infallibility, We thought that, for Our dance number, We’d perform all seven parts of the “Who’s That Woman?” number from Follies.  Sondheim is pretty infallible, right?  Even if he did write the music for Dick Tracy.

Speaking of old men in dresses and ruby slippers,  We shall be playing The VD Match Game on Friday and Saturday, February 15 and 16, at 7:30 at L’Etage.  You can obtain tickets here and find more info here
  Our Sistah Ovella, for those of you who know her, will be playing also.

Here is a little Aquarius fillum, for Our birthday Aquarians:

And here are the HorrorScopes:

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more festive, it is Stockard Channing’s sixty-ninth birthday!  Which means she was thirty-four when she played a high school student in Grease. Math is hard.

Your active energy is making life a lot more interesting (We thought We smelled something.)

— and your friends and colleagues are more than willing to let you lead the way!  (Lazy bastards.)

Don’t think too hard, (No worries there.)

just take action.  (We are fairly certain that it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, “For every action, there is an equal and opposite inaction”.  A fact of which We pride Ourself of being the (barely) living proof.  (Sir Isaac Newton was better known, naturally, for inventing the Fig Newton™.  Because, seriously, would you rather have physics, or cookies?))

A very unique culture is inspiring you right now, (Indeed.  It has taken over most of the crisper in Our fridge.)

so today you need to start trying to integrate it into your life more. (Honey, We’re already doing Sojourner Truth; how much more integrated can We get?)

Whether you do it through the food you eat, the music you listen to, or the places you hang out in, immersing yourself in something new will invigorate you and fill you with an incredible sense that anything is possible.  (Don’t fuck with Us…We’re infallible.)

Take a real break and get out in the world, experiencing all the light and the heat.  (Bitch, it is February.  Back AWAY from the crackpipe.)

Tonight, do something participatory — go dancing or hit a karaoke bar — instead of just watching passively. (Oh. Our. God.  We should totally go be infallible at a karaoke bar!)

(Your Your-O-Scopes:

(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!).  For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here:  Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons.  Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)


Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.