Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for WinesDay, March 26rd, 2014.
We were so afraid that We were going to have nothing to talk about in here today. Fortunately, at the last possible second, the WorldWideInterWebNetz came to Our rescue and provided Us with this: http://www.queerty.com/man-with-three-balls-posts-nude-on-reddit-becomes-internet-sensation-overnight-20140326/
Despite the title, the link IS Safe For Work, although it leads, understandably, to NOT Safe For Work places.
Happy Birthday, meanwhile, to Jonathan, who turns twenty-four today right here in The City Of Brotherly Love Handles. It has only just occurred to Us this very minute that Jonathan, as an Aries, is in a relationship with Our Birthday Twin Katy, who is also an Aries. This Same-Sign Relationship issue is addressed at some length in Our show, Looking for Uranus: Starzina Starfish-Browne’s Comeback Tour, on which We have not yet given up. No matter what the rest of the world has done.
(You did all understand that “Birthday Twin” means that Katy and We share the same birthday, didn’t you? Because were you (subjunctively) to see Katy and Us together, you would certainly be able to tell Us apart. (And if you think Katy is grateful for that, just imagine how Jonathan feels.))
Happy Birthday also to Cheryl, who also turns twenty-four today, also right here in The City That Loves You (On Your) Back. Happy Birthday also too to Damian, who also too turns twenty-four today, albeit elsewhere in The State In Which We Live (Pennsylvania, that is. Not Confusion.)
There’s just nothing like a good “albeit”, is there? Cleanses the soul.
In other news, Happy Belated Birthday to David, and Ryan, and, last but not Lee Strasberg, to The LovelyAndTalented Ed. (We have not seen The LovelyAndTalented Ed in person for quite some time, but photographic evidence from SitOnMyFaceBook indicates that he is, in fact, still Lovely. We are, on the other hand, assuming that he is still Talented, thereby making an ass out of Uma Thurman. As One does.)
We have moved into the glorious sign of Aries, the harbinger of Spring (never mind all the crap they fed Us about snow yesterday. And the fact that it’s eleventy-two billion and twelve degrees below zero outside.). Our Aries video is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Aries video, featuring Our mother, Rosie Starfish, for comparison:
Also also, now that We have left Pisces, We need to randomly mention Johnny Depp, to return him to Number One Cited Celebrity status here at Eric’s!Daily!Horoscope! We wouldn’t want him to get mad.
And heereeeere’s the HorrorScope:
So it is Robert Frost’s birthday today. (Who did you think We were gonna say? Steven Tyler? Leonard Nimoy?)
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I ate a piece of shoo-fly pie,
And then I sang “Pomp and Circumstance”.
You can tell Robert Frost is a great poet because you have no fucking clue what he’s talking about.
Try to blaze new ground today — your energy is best spent pioneering. (Who the fuck are We…Laura Ingalls?)
You may need to go it alone, (Wow. There’s a hot news flash.)
because things are a bit too dicey for some of your stodgier friends or colleagues. (“Stodgier”…now there’s a word you don’t see every day. Sure, you see “stodgy” (having lots of stodge) , and “stodgiest” (having the most stodge, or, under certain circumstances, having ALL the stodge), but you rarely see the comparative “stodgier”. Mainly because quantities of stodge are measured in a long-forgotten unit of measurement akin to the dram and the furlong, making it difficult to ascertain relative degrees of stodgiousity.)
(But seriously, who the fuck are We…Laura Ingalls?)
You have another day to do exactly what you know you were born to do: Mingle. (Well, you know what They say: “Have Pringles™, will mingle.” (Laura Ingalls?))
(You know, if you think of all the things They say that They say, it’s a miracle anyone still listens when They talk.)
By late this evening, you’ll be ready for at least a day off from socializing — and you’ll have it. (We have a full day of work tomorrow’ if you can imagine such a thing. Lord knows, We can’t.)
The stars make sure you get a nice break from the spotlight. (Oh, please. If We get any more of a “break from the spotlight”, We’ll be painting Helen Keller’s darkroom black.)
Even when it comes to a sign as fiery, outgoing and personable as yourself, it’s easy to see how home might be the only place you’ll really want to be now. (Well, either home, or Johnny Depp’s underwear drawer.)
Think of it as a snuggle-fest. (You do realize, We live alone, don’t you?)
If you can’t figure out what to do today, turn on your computer and check your inbox. (We would just like to point out at this juncture that Ass Hatt Kelli’s horoscope is ONLINE. So if We hadn’t (subjunctively) already turned on Our computer, We wouldn’t be reading her advice to TURN ON OUR COMPUTER.)
(Ass. Hatt. Wearing her Ass as a Hatt. Since 2001.)
You may find a sweet, surprising message there — likely a new beginning or an important ending. Either way, it’s for the best. (Okay, that says that there are two best ways. Words have MEANINGS. Ass Hatt.)
(But seriously…Laura Ingalls?)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.