Starzina Starfish-Browne here with your Eric’s! Daily! Horoscope! for FriedEgg, May 9st , 2014.
Happy Birthday to Billy, who turns twenty-four today in New York. New York, New York…The City That Doesn’t Sleep (With Us). Also, Happy Birthday to Chad, who also turns twenty-four today. In Utah. With the Mormons.
To digress for just a muumuu (which, of course, We so rarely duuduu (heh…She said “duuduu”)), We have noticed, of late, a rogue pair of Mormon elders (parenthetically (hence the parentheses), why do they call them “elders” when they’re twelve years old?) repeatedly roaming Our neighborhood, which causes Us to ponder two things:
Who exactly are they proselytizing in this stalwart bastion of Catholicism?
Is it possible to see two hottie Mormon elders roaming the streets in their dress shirts and ties and NOT think “gay porno movie”?
Equally randomly, is it just Us, or should “Stalwart Bastion” be the name of some superhero’s alter ego? “Meanwhile, in a cleverly concealed cavern miles beneath Stately Bastion Manor, kabillionaire Stalwart Bastion dons the cape and cowl of his crime-fighting alter-ego, LemurMan…”
Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana Nana… LemurMan! LemurMan! LEMURMAN!
Additionally, Happy Birthday to OurAmericanCousin Brian, who turns twenty-four today in O Hai, Ohio.
Also, Happy Noveno de Mayo to everybody else.
And now, you must stop whatever you are doing, because you cannot exist for one more moment on this planet without having experienced this:
In other news, We are awaiting with bated breath (because We are nothing if not a master breath-bater) the arrival of Our birthday gift of tickets to see Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring Neil Patrick Harris and Leontyne Price…
(We are just going to keep right on saying that until that show closes, thereby demonstrating the utter futility of Creative ViZZZualization. (Although apparently We have viZZZualized well enough that one poor deluded Gentle Reader actually imagines that We already HAVE said tickets.))
(How many of you are now picturing Leontyne Price as Yitzhak? (We’ll wait.) And how many of you knew that Leontyne Price had a brother named Dentyne?)
Speaking of black women, We had a dream last night about Christmas, which involved a great deal of confusion concerning a bunch of gifts that had been wrapped with no identifying tags. We have no idea what the whole thing was about, but Santa Claus was a black woman.
In other news, tomorrow (Saturday, May 10th), the WaitStaff will be playing The Mother of All Match Games at L’Etage at 7:30. In keeping with the Mothers Day theme, We will be leaving Jesus H. Christ’s hippie wig at home, and performing for the first time as Mrs. Mary MotherOfGod. You won’t want to miss THAT! (In order not to miss it, please get your tickets here:
and join in the SitOnMyFaceBook event here:
In other news, We suddenly find Ourselves (not that We were looking for Us, but it’s a figger of speech) in the sign of Taurus, Our video for which is above, and here is the link with which you may share it with your friends:
Also, for those of you who like cups of tea, and history, and someone in a tree, here is Our previous Taurus video, which is somewhat of a fillum noir, if you will. (Or even if you won’t…since when is it all about you?):
And here’s the HorrorScope:
It is Pierre Bouvier’s birthday. While not as much fun to say as “Enrique Iglesias”, Pierre Bouvier is still plenty fun to say. Especially if you intersperse “Leontyne and Dentyne Price” (didja know they had a half-sister named “Aubergine”?).
Slow down and get everything right today — or at least as much as you can. (Thar’s a paradox in that thar conundrum…)
(That was Uncle Joe, he was movin’ kinda slow at the Junction…)
(Hard to believe there was actually a 60s TV show named after women’s underwear…)
(Is anybody else now contemplating a pilot script for Candypants Corner? WonderBra Way? Just Us? Alrighty, then…)
Speeding up is almost guaranteed to backfire, so don’t move any more quickly than you absolutely must. (Alright, already. Jeebus.)
This phase is almost complete. (Wait…so it really IS just a phase?!?)
You’re in the mood to work hard now — really, really hard. (Have you met Us?)
As fiery as you are when you get an idea set in your mind, you definitely don’t take kindly to anyone who gets between you and your goal. (On the other hand, just you TRY to get between Us and Our Calvins. (Kiss Us quick, We’re Brooke Shields.))
Of course, your first impulse will be to enlist everyone who comes along. (That sentence would be much more interesting with a different verb in place of “enlist”. (No, really…try it and see. We’ll wait.))
But if that’s not possible, then you can at least do the kind thing: Warn them that it might be a good idea to get out of your way. (Kindness is such a fluid concept.)
No one says you have to wait three days before calling, but there is a strong possibility that you’re not in too big a hurry when it comes to love right now. (Because you already spent sixteen sentences telling Us to slow down. Jeebus. Does no one proofread this tripe?)
Think over what you want to say and take your own sweet time. (Shut. Up. Kelli.)
(Meanwhile, why We didn’t think of this sooner, We’ve got no idea, but better laid than necking, as they say (and how right they are!). For real live actual ass(tromlaogical) ho(roscopular) advice, please visit Our good friend AstroGeek here: http://sett.com/astrogeek895/. Our Own epistular musings are of use to you only insofar as making you feel better by comparison, but he will give you actual pertinent advice for your very own lives, based on upon the positions and transitations of all manner of planets, planetoids, asteroids, Altoids™, hemorrhoids, and other heavenly flotsam, jetsam, and Jetsons. Plus, he knows all about Uranus!)
Starzina Starfish-Browne was born in the wagon of a traveling show…well, okay, not really. She was actually born in Lowake, Texas, the daughter of a beautician and either a garage mechanic or the town mailman. At sixteen, she escaped her humble beginnings by running off with Doctor Browne’s Traveling Medicine Show and, more to the point, Doctor Browne. Following the dissolution of this unfortunate entanglement (Doctor Browne was a Virgo and Starzina is, of course, an Aries), which produced a daughter, Starzina entered a contest in Soap Opera Digest and won a scholarship to Oxford (yes, in ENGLAND), where she earned her doctorate in the newly-created dual major of Astrology and Human Sexuality. There is absolutely NO TRUTH to the rumor that Starzina’s second daughter has Royal blood, despite tabloid photographs allegedly depicting her cavorting on the Italian Riviera with Princes William and Harry, clad only in Prussian helmets and armbands of questionable taste. Starzina currently resides with her daughters in Philadelphia, the City That Loves You (On Your) Back, where she enjoys Double Coupon Day at the local SuperCruise and “encouraging” the coxswain of the Penn rowing team.